


Better Off Dead

by Unquenchible



Series: Better Off Dead [1]
Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: Addiction, Developing Relationship, Disasters, Drug Addiction, Established Relationship, F/M, First Love, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Love Confessions, Love Triangles, Major Character Injury, Revenge Era Gerard Way
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-18
Updated: 2021-01-29
Packaged: 2021-03-03 02:07:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 56
Words: 86,238
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24246979
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Unquenchible/pseuds/Unquenchible
Summary: Two best friends; two best friends that spent the majority of their childhood swimming through trauma and mental health struggles.Two best friends that turn into something more.But of course, life loves to throw speedballs - and before they could take a breath, Mikey was forced to move away, gone from Miranda's life forever.Or so she thinks.As soon as Miranda thinks she'd moved on from him and catches feelings for someone else, Mikey returns to her life in the most unexpected way.
Relationships: Gerard Way/Female Character, Gerard Way/OFC, Gerard Way/Original Female Character(s), Mikey Way/Female Character, Mikey Way/OFC, Mikey Way/Original Female Character(s)
Series: Better Off Dead [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1750165
Comments: 3
Kudos: 35
Collections: Better Off Alive





	1. Better Off Alive, Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the Prequel to Better Off Dead. It's really fucking dark and I should add a *TRIGGER WARNING* to probably every aspect of this series. Enjoy

With one, loud, stuttered breath - I knew exactly what dad had found as he opened the bedroom door. I could hear the swinging of her body against the closet door, the last gurgles of air fall from her lips. I was too young to understand anything other than “mommy fell asleep” - but it gave me nightmares.

I didn’t want to fall asleep with rope around my neck, or blood pooling from my blue extremities. Even if it was only just a peak, my own mommy looked as if she had turned into a ghoul.

She looked better at the funeral; more full of life, in a pretty open casket that made me feel ill at ease. I wanted to jump up and cuddle into her arms, but they told me not to. She no longer smelled like roses, but a strange - even tea tree chemical. Scent is something you’ll never be able to get out of your mind.

My father looked worse. He usually sat up straight and wore a smile, but within a few hours he had bags pooling under his eyes. I watched him pick up his first bottle as he cried himself into delirium, and after that moment I don’t think I’d ever seen his hand empty again. 

As the days went on, the memories of my mother seemed to slip my mind. Her place on the couch was now cold, and sometimes dad would sit in it with his shoes on, hanging his arm halfway beside him. I wonder if he could see her in his dreams, the way she was alive. 

In my dreams, mommy had a blue tint and blood pooling out of her eyes and nose. She could only make nasty gurgling noises and gasps for air. I hopped daddy could see her the way she was before.

After a while, I felt alone. Alone from a mother who used to make me hot milk in the middle of the night to help me sleep, the mother who used to hold me tight when I was scared of the dark and watch cartoons with me when I felt sick. My father used to partake in some of those rituals, but now he was different. He was always low on food, and asleep in the living room surrounded by bottles. 

He must have really liked his dreams, because I could never close my eyes. There was no one to talk to but the voice in my head, and it served me well. The majority of my childhood interactions after this stemmed from him becoming belligerent whenever he regained consciousness. 

Naturally - I could get along with my own thoughts and stay sane, even if my peers didn’t see it that way. A lot of the other kids at school could see through my dirty clothes and awkward socialization skills, so I kept to myself, rarely using my voice unless I was called upon.

* * *

It started in middle school during recess, in a playground that was engulfed by a forest of trees. It was a humid summer afternoon, and I kept trying to flatten the frizz back into my messy ponytail. Inevitably, I heard laughter all around me, and I knew what was coming next.

Before they could start chanting, I let my legs lead me far away - into the depth of the trees that we weren’t supposed to step foot in. The deeper I ran, the more quiet their voices got - until eventually, the only thing I could hear was the panting of my own breaths.

Unfortunately, I couldn’t run forever, and I instead tripped over a small branch - only to land headfirst against the dirt. An awkward young boy sprung up from behind a tree and kneeled down beside me, “Are you okay”

My pants were ripped and I could feel a newly formed cut on my knee begin to sting. As I looked up at him, he’d already extended his hand out to help me. Uneasy of his intentions, I declined his help, wiped the dirt off of my shirt, and jumped onto my feet by myself, hastily muttering, “What do you want?”

He shrugged and anxiously dug the tip of his sneaker into the dirt, “Just wanted to know if you were okay…”

A long pause of awkward silence proceeded us. Unsure of what to do with my fingers, I fidgeted at the newly formed rip in my jeans. He courageously interjected, “I’m Michael”.

“Hi Michael”, I took a deep breath, “I’m Miranda”

“Why are you in the woods?” He asked.

I tilted my head to the side, weary of telling him too much. Instead, I deflected, “Why are you?”

“I don’t know”, He murmured, “No one wanted to play with me, so I wandered off…”

A wave of sorrow and empathy overtook me. Maybe he was just as weird as me - not as clean cut or socially polished as the others think they are. I knew how he felt, and I craved the idea of taking that feeling away from him.

“Well then, Michael”, I extended my hand as if we were about to do an adult business proposition, “How about… I’ll play with you from now on?”

And from there on, history was made as he tightened his grip around my hand and shook it. We’d spend hours running around the forest, hiding from imaginary monsters, and spilling our souls out to each other on a daily basis. Quickly, nine years progressed before our eyes.

Within those nine years, Michael had become my best friend, my chosen family, the closest thing I’d ever felt to home - and eventually, my first kiss. 

The forest became our meeting spot everyday after school and through the summers - extending into when we looked much too old to be hanging near a playground. But it was our escape from the world - that was, until Michael threw me a heart shattering missile that made it all go away. His mother was moving them across the country, to what she perceived as a “better part of the world”. 

She had no idea what she was taking from me, and although I tried to convince him to hide and stay behind, we both knew it wouldn’t be possible. He left me with a kiss, promising we’d never forget each other - but after that night, my world became lonely once again. 


	2. Gerard

And just like that, time escaped us. Six long years flew past my eyes, and suddenly I was alone in the things we’d always talked about doing together. I missed senior prom and had no one to celebrate with me as I graduated. 

Whether I wanted to admit it or not, Mikey was still a frequent thought in my mind. Although I’d attempted many friendships after him, they all felt pale in comparison to the void he’d left behind. And many times, my thoughts drifted to places I’d never thought I’d see; asking stupid questions like “would he even remember me?”

I was a small blimp in the entirety of his life. And although I couldn’t blame him for leaving, I also couldn’t stop the abrasive thoughts from plaguing my mind. In some sort of desperate dream, I could only imagine that one day Mikey would return and free me from my loneliness - but deep down, I knew it was only hypothetical. 

By now, physically speaking the two syllables of his name out loud was starting to feel like a distant memory. Instead of Mikey, the next chapter in my life progressed on a cloudy summer morning when I met **Gerard.**

The moment was simple, unconventional, and of course I was hesitant to let him in at first. While lost in thought during a run, I took a wrong turn and collided into him - crashing, face-first into the pavement. I didn’t realize it at the time, but hind-sight sheds light on how my habitual clumsiness has a knack for pushing me to the ground right before something or someone that would change my life.

“Oh god”, He muttered, scrambling to push himself up off the ground, “I’m so sorry, are you okay?”

As typical as it sounds - I froze as soon as I lifted my head, internally quivering at the sight of bright, hazel eyes beaming down at me. His hand was extended outward to help me up, but instead of grabbing it, I broke our glare and remained speechless - desperately focusing on each crumble of the pavement.

“Are you hurt?” He muttered, anxiously brushing his hair back with his fingers, “Fuck - I need to start being more careful...”

I wanted to laugh at the sound of his voice trailing off, apologizing for something that was blatantly my fault - but I could tell just my silence was making him uncomfortable. Through a hard swallow of pride, I finally lifted my head and accepted his hand, anxiously muttering, “I’m okay, really. Thank you, though”

He levied me up, but was quick to let go of my hand and dig through his jacket pocket for a pack of cigarettes. 

As he placed one between his chapped lips, he extended the pack toward me as an offering - but I was quick to shake my head, “No thanks, I don’t smoke”

“It’s a nasty habit”, He chuckled with his unlit cigarette resting between his lips.

Watching him search for his lighter felt awkward, but something about him was intriguing - familiar, almost. Like a strange tinge of nostalgia that I couldn’t place. 

“Do I know you from somewhere?” I anxiously blurted out, “You look so familiar”

He flicked the edge of his lighter and held it close to his cigarette, taking a deep breath in before shooting me a sheepish smile, “I don’t think so, sugar. I’m pretty sure I’d remember a face like yours”

I could feel the blood rushing to my cheeks with embarrassment, and I quickly turned my head - anxious to continue the conversation, “Sorry, forget it then. I’m Miranda”

“Ah Miranda, The clumsy athlete”, He laughed, “I’m Gerard”

My heart fluttered and my legs went stiff at the sound of him repeating my name. Anxiously, I wiped the dirt off my knees and muttered, “Well, nice meeting you, Gerard. I’m sure I’ll see you around”

“Where are you going?”, He smiled, breathing in another puff of his cigarette, “We only just met”

Butterflies attacked the pit of my stomach, and I anxiously turned back to face him. Before I could get another word in, he took control of the silence, “I’m only joking. It was nice to meet you, too, Miranda”

“Maybe we could do this again”, I blurted out, the redness of my cheeks crawling up the rest of my face.

“You want to run into each other again?” Gerard chuckled, “That was fun for you?”

_Shit - Had I read him wrong, should I have even said anything at all?_

“Are you good at memorizing numbers”, He started, “Or should I add mine to your phone?”

I let out a sigh of relief and could feel the redness begin to dissipate.

* * *

I spent the rest of the night debating on texting the handsome stranger I’d met earlier, but it wasn’t until the next day that I finally mustered the courage to send him a text.

He was quick to respond: _“Hey! Is this that pretty girl that sucks at running?”_

I smirked at his sarcasm and slyly responded: _“You must run into a lot of girls that can’t run, huh?”_

I set my phone down on my coffee table and walked toward the kitchen, to start my night off with a glass of wine. As I uncorked the bottle, I caught myself smiling. It was rare for me to put myself out there - and yet, it felt nice to be vulnerable.

The ping of a new text message echoed throughout my small apartment as I poured my drink - causing me to flinch and spill it all over my countertop. For a second, still caught up in my own thoughts, I watched it drip onto the kitchen floor. 

As I snapped back into reality, I grabbed a towel and draped it over the mess before running back to grab my phone.

Gerard had texted me back: “ _Surprisingly, I try to stay away from girls who make me collapse onto the road. Did you enjoy having that privilege?”_

Fuck - I was smiling even larger now. Quickly I responded: _“Maybe I did”_

I ran back to clean up the rest of my spill, which had barely been absorbed by the towel. I was too distracted now.

He sent me another message: _“So what are you up to tonight?”_

With one hand, I attempted to clean the floor with a sponge. With the other, I continued responding to Gerard: _“Well, I was planning on drinking some wine and relaxing, but instead I’m cleaning it off of the floor. What are you up to?”_

It was almost clean. At least, it looked that way. And if I’d missed anything, I’d clean it later.

He quickly responded: _“Nothing now. You know, I have a few bottles of wine, if you wanted some company”_

I could feel my cheeks blush red again. Now - I really had to finish cleaning the wine off my floor.

* * *

_(A few hours later)_

I was jittery, and couldn’t help but flinch as I heard a knock on my door. I opened it up and was greeted by the smiling face of Gerard, holding a bottle of wine in each hand. 

“Hey you” he smiled, holding the bottles out in front of him, “I didn’t know if you were a red wine girl or a white one, so I brought you both”

I snatched them out of his hands, “I don’t discriminate when it comes to alcohol. Let’s kill them both”

He let out a small laugh, “Wow, and she’s a drinker, too”

We stepped back deeper into my apartment. The jitters were still there, but the conversation felt easy - not forced. His sarcasm and quick wit met well with mine.

I placed the bottles on my counter and stumbled through my drawers to find the corkscrew, “You’re the one who came here with two bottles of wine. I would have been perfectly fine spending the rest of my night licking it off the floor”

He rolled his eyes and laughed, “Uh-huh”

I shoved the corkscrew into the top of the bottle and felt his hand rest on top of mine, “Speaking of, misses clumsy - maybe you should let me serve the wine?”

My insides were butterflies. I stood there for a second with his hand resting on top of mine before pulling away and turning to grab two glasses from the cabinet.

He was smiling - I think he knew the power he had over me. _I wouldn’t let it go to his head._

“We can sit on my porch” I offered, as I watched him pour both cups of wine, “I like sitting out there and overlooking the city”

He grabbed both cups and extended one out to me, “Then to the porch we shall go - unless, you’d prefer I carry this, so you don’t spill it”

I pretended to angrily puff air out of my nose and grabbed it from his hand, “I got it”

He looked down at his hand and shook his head, “Wow - spilling it on me, too now”

“That’s what you get for doubting me” I joked, sliding up my porch doors.

He followed behind me, and as we stepped outside, we were met with brisk air. It felt nice on my face, but after a few minutes, I could tell he was less adapted to the cold by his shivers.

I took a sip of my wine, “You want to go back inside?”

“No” he started, “We just got out here”

 _So, he was stubborn too_. I raised my eyebrow at him, “You look cold”

He shook his head and took a deep breath in, which stuttered as he shivered, “It’s cold. But it feels good”

I took one last sip, and placed my cup on the ledge of my porch before storming into my apartment. I returned with a blanket and draped it over his head.

“Hey!” he muttered in shock, pulling it off his head and letting it rest over his shoulders. 

I grabbed for my cup and sat back down next to him, “So, what do you - like - do?”

“Really?” He leaned back into the chair and let his feet rest against the ledge, “You’re going to start the night with boring small talk?”

Taken aback by his comment, I rolled my eyes and took a large gulp of my drink. 

“I didn’t mean it like that...” he continued, “I draw. Right now I’m just an intern, the money’s okay. Nothing special…”

I took a deep breath. _He was hard to get a read on._ His charming exterior was crumbling, and I couldn’t tell if it was exposing a conceited or self-conscious man. 

“What do you do, Miranda?” he shifted the focus to me.

“You’ll probably find me boring”, I shrugged, “I work part time, as midnight shift RN. Basically, I wipe people’s butts for a living. I don’t really have any impressive talents like drawing”

He chuckled and his humor returned to him, “Now that’s a talent. I could never do that”

“Yeah” I shrugged, “It pays the bills”

I took another sip of my drink. The conversation was starting to feel awkward and forced.

He cleared his throat, “I don’t only do art. I’m also in a band”

“A band, eh?” I asked, half-interested. _He was bragging._

He picked up on this and quickly redeemed himself, “I don’t know, I’m kind of a loser. I know I’m not impressing you. That’s why I wanted to skip the small talk”

I sat up straight. _He was self conscious, too. I was getting under his skin._

“You’re not a loser” I muttered, “And you certainly don’t have to try and impress me.”

He let out a breath of relief, “Tell me more about wiping people’s butts”

I almost spit out my wine, “Well, I mean, sometimes it feels like it’s all I do at work. Sometimes it’s even grosser than that”

He sarcastically winked at me, “Hot. I’m sure you have quite your share of stories”

I took another sip, “Oh - I have quite a few”

And so the night went on - full of laughter and intimate conversation. Eventually, the temperature dropped, and Gerard’s blanket was no longer enough to ward off the cold. 

“This was nice” he muttered, as we stood in the small hallway of my front door, “We should do this again”

The butterflies were back in full force. I sheepishly smiled at him and nodded my head, “We should”

I half-expected him to kiss me, but he left and closed the door behind him. I was partially relieved, but mostly intrigued. Gerard was a gentleman, despite his endearing exterior. Even though he was ashamed of the person he was, I liked getting inside of his head.


	3. Re-introductions

_(Time period: Modern day) (POV: Gerard Way)_

It was an easy route with delicious brisk air that I’d walked so many times - so why was my breathing so uneasy? In through the nose, out through the mouth - or no, was it in through the mouth, out through the nose? 

Something about Miranda terrified me. We spend the bulk of our time together platonicly, yet I always have this uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach as I’m about to approach her -

As I stood in front of her door I took another deep breath in, trying to fill my stomach with air instead of overloading my chest. This was the first time she’d meet my friends, my brother - see the inside of my house. 

I stuttered out my last breath and rang the doorbell - chewing at my bottom lip as I waited for her to answer the door. 

And there she was; absolutely beautiful, and only furthering to make the butterflies flutter in every direction. The warm floral scent of a candle flooded out her front door as she greeted me with a smile.

As my eyes traced up to her face, I noticed a small smudge down the side of her right eye. Trying to deflect from my nerves, I unearthed my sarcastic wit, “Nice, uh, is that a new make-up trend?”

It flunked - and instead her cheeks turned bright red as she ran to face herself in the bathroom mirror yelling, “Uh, give me a minute!”

I followed behind her, the candle scent getting stronger as I closed the door behind me. Her apartment was so relaxing and well kept, and for a second my nerves pleaded with me to just stay in with her here tonight.

“Miranda!” I jokingly moaned, following close behind her, “We should be drinking alcohol, right now. And it really can’t wait”

“It can wait about five minutes”, She yelled back, patting the smudge away as she concentrated on the reflection of her mirror. 

An urge overcame me to touch her, and I did it in a playful way - grabbing at the side of her arm as I started to drag her from the bathroom. Through laughter, she turned back to me and pleaded for “Just four more minutes”

I rolled my eyes and released my grip. There was really no rush to get out of here, and I’d stand here as long as I could admiring those beautiful eyes, but my nerves were getting the best of me.

“What are you doing?” I blurted out, “You already look beautiful”

She quickly diverted her eyes away from me and lightly elbowed at me behind, “I’ll look even more beautiful in three more minutes”

I stepped back, “Fine! But I’m counting to the millisecond”

* * *

_(The Walk)_

I walked over to get her because I wanted to make sure she didn’t walk alone - I liked this walk, and the cold air didn’t bother me as much as it seemed to be bothering her. Maybe next time I’ll take my car.

“What’s with all of the make-up, anyway?” I asked, “You never get this dressed up”

“Well, tonight I wanted to!”, She shrugged, “You’re the only face I ever see”

“And what’s wrong with that?” I smirked

“I don’t know”, She diverted again, visibly shaking from the cold hitting her shoulders, “But the idea of drowning out my thoughts with alcohol and other people sounds delightful”

“Amen”, I chuckled back at her.

With a twist of fate and an immense amount of strength, I managed to will myself into taking my jacket off and draping it over her shoulders. She seemed to take well to this, breathing it in as she held it close to her body to trap the warmth.

“We’re almost there, I promise, little thing” I smiled back at her.

“I think you’re just trying to reassure yourself”, She joked, pulling her arms through the sleeves.

“Well, you stole my warmth!” I jokingly exclaimed.

Her lips formed into a shocked “o” and as she turned back to face me she continued, “You can have it back if it means that much to you!”

I scrunched his nose and laughed, “It looks better on you”

I was telling the truth. The cold air felt good against my body and she looked good wearing my jacket.

* * *

_She stood beside me, knees locked and eyes glazed over with - nerves or hesitation? Nonetheless, she harbored some kind of insecurity._

_But it was cold, and my body let out an audible shiver as I reached for the door - the facade of my masculinity drowning in cold winter air. My last drop of sanity relied heavily on the fact that she felt comfortable and protected in my warm jacket._

_I was too excited -_ and as we walked through the door, I shouted to my brother, “Guess who’s here?”

_He was eager to meet the girl I’d fawning over; a delicate flower, smart and funny as she is beautiful. But by the time he stepped in front of us with dilated pupils and introduced her by her last name, I knew she was no longer something to show off. Mikey had seen the likes of her before -_

_Infact, in the worst way. After the re-introduction, I was more focused on the static ringing in my ears. ‘Were we a relationship set to ruin?’_

_Unfortunately - I’d known her before. Only briefly and in passing, as the two were childhood best friends. Mikey didn’t bring her around much, but he’d go into detail when he spoke her name - and I knew too much. I knew of the kisses they’d shared in their youth… Their awkward, teenage “first love” romance._

_What a way to ruin a fucking night. I’d wanted to tell her my feelings, but tonight I’d have to reveal them over liquid confidence and in private._

_As the night went on, the two wore sheepish smiles on their faces as they indulged in bittersweet nostalgia. My silhouette of a dream of a romantic confession was shattered by the scent of whisky in her breath. She’d consumed too many shots, ones that must have felt like the remedy to the plethora of feelings she was experiencing on this crawling night._

_In short, I knew I needed to let her know before he whisked her away from me. I’d been quiet for too long, I thought she’d felt them too._

Finally, I’d got her alone.

 _I cleared my throat - speak now, or forever hold your peace._ The words began gracefully falling off tongue, “I don’t want to lose my chance to tell you this, so even if you forget in the morning, well, at least I tried-”

She leaned closer to me and grabbed for my knee. A giddy smile came to face as she playfully begged, “Tell me what?”

_We were close now - exactly where I’d wanted her. I could feel the warmth of her fingertips and smell the perfume on the back of her neck. And fuck, I was more drunk than I’d oringinially thought._

“I like you Miranda”, I confessed, “And in normal circumstances, I’d probably try to kiss you. But you’re - we’re really drunk right now”

Her cheeks blushed red, but her words spoke with a playful confidence, “I like you, too, Gerard-Way-Ee-Oh”

_She’d spoken in tongues, but it was adorable. By now, I was craving a kiss - soaking in every second of her intimacy before she tightened her shoulders and placed her hand in front of mouth._

_She was about to puke; I panicked on the inside, but appeared calm as I led her to the upstairs bathroom. Although the smell was vile, I couldn’t leave her alone._

I kneeled down beside her and brushed her hair back with my fingers, “Hey, hey - It’s gonna be okay, I’m right here, don’t you worry”

_Although, I doubt she’d remember a thing. Had I caught her at the wrong time, in the middle of a black-out state? Regardless, I knew by now my night of partying was over - and I’d be taking care of Miranda._

Once she finally caught her breath, I handed her a wet washcloth, “You okay, sweetheart?”

She didn’t have to verbalize her response - I could see her sickly state as her eyes pouted back at me. I rubbed at her back, but she was quick to shoo me away and push her face back into the toilet.

After a while, I suggested she stay the night - knowing it wouldn’t be safe to leave her alone. I was starting to sober up, and she was quick to cuddle close to me as she jumped in the bed. I wouldn’t have made a move otherwise - but the touch of her skin was something electric. I fell asleep with her in my arms. 

We woke up once more and made our way into the bathroom, and I groggily stayed there with her. I forced her to chug down water and nibble on some toast - and luckily for the both of us, this was the last time she woke me for the night.

But the morning brought another annoying caveat - I still had to go to work. She barely awoke as I quietly searched my room for the right shirt, and I forced her back into dreamland with a single peck on the forehead.

_It was friendly, and she still wasn’t feeling good. But this venture left me with questions - thoughts about how it’d feel if she let hold her on a night that she was sober._

As I entered the living room, Mikey greeted me with a short, “How is she?”

“She got pretty sick last night”, I muttered, “But she’s sleeping now. I told her she can stay as late as she wants”

Mikey yawned as he stretched out his arms, “You think she needs a ride?”

“I think - yeah, we walked here”, I started, anxiously pulling my jacket over my arms - I hadn’t thought it through. We walked here together, and what if she needed some help again?

“Do you think I should stay home to keep an eye on her?” I spoke out loud.

Mikey let out a chuckle and shook his head, “I’ll keep an eye out on her and give her a ride home. I’m sure we have a lot to catch up on, anyway”

_The sound of his words were certainly not music to my ears - but for now, they would have to do. Miranda would wake up with a pounding headache, probably regretting every moment of the night we laid close together. Having Mikey around as a friend could be a happy medium._


	4. Memories

By the time 9am rolled in, I finally woke up. I was sober now, and my head was pounding. As I stood up to find my pants, the urge to puke overtook me, and I attempted to run to the bathroom. However - I didn't make it all the way there, and somehow vomited all over his hallway. _How did my father function, feeling this all the time?_

I burst into tears. The room was still spinning and my energy felt low. 

Mikey came running out of his room, “What happened? Are you alright?”

Like a child, I shook my head and continued to cry, “I’m a mess”

“You’re not a mess” he laughed, grabbing for a towel to help clean me up, “You need a ride home? Gerard left a few hours ago for work”

I sniffed and nodded my head.

“Okay - Then go put your pants on" he winked at me, "I’ll have this cleaned up by the time you come back”

I could now add “mortified” to the list of ailments I was feeling right now. The night was mostly a blur, but if there was one thing I had clarity on, it would be that I was surrounded by very caring people. _I wasn’t used to people treating me like this._

As we walked outside, I was surprised to see a small layer of snow starting to accumulate on the ground. Mikey had already cleaned off his car, and was waiting inside of it for me.

“Thanks again” I muttered, closing the passenger door behind me.

He chuckled, “Don’t worry about it. Now - where are you living nowadays?”

“Down the road” I pointed, “I’ll tell you when to turn”

The snow continued to fall, blanketing the roads. I crossed my arms over my stomach and leaned forward to try and alleviate the sick feeling.

Mikey took note of this, “You feeling any better yet?”

“A little” I murmured, pressed deeper into my stomach, “It’s the next turn on the right”

“Okay” he started, taking note of my sickly posture, “Let me know if you’re going to puke before you do it in my car”

I rolled my eyes, “I think I’ll be okay. It’s a short drive”

I fidgeted in my seat, anxious and unsure of how to verbalize the excitement I felt toward seeing him again. _If I knew Mikey as well as my memory served, I would presume he was feeling the same._

“That’s it!” I exclaimed, motioning toward my apartment complex.

He pulled his car into a parking spot, and we sat there in awkward silence for a second. 

As I started to unbuckle my seat belt, he blurted out, “You up to anything today?”

I smirked, “Probably binge watching netflix until I get my energy back”

“Oh” he mumbled, trailing his eyes off in the other direction - as if he had more to say.

I continued to grab for the door handle. _Was it just me? Was I the awkward one in all of these situations?_

“You think you’d want company while you do that?” he nervously mumbled.

It took me a second to process what he was talking about. I felt like shit, _but what the hell._

“Yeah” I nodded my head, “I think that that would be nice”

* * *

I threw my apartment keys on a side table and motioned toward my couch, “Find us something to watch, I’m definitely taking a shower”

“Sounds good to me!” He exclaimed, plopping his body down against the arm of the couch, “And for the record, I’d be offended if you didn’t shower”

_Wow. The sarcasm is starting already._

I raised my eyebrow, “Oh, do I smell or something?”

He chewed at his bottom lip, “I didn’t want to say anything, but…”

My cheeks turned red - I probably did smell. He burst out into laughter, “I’m just fucking with you. Go take that shower already!”

I rolled my eyes and stormed off toward the bathroom. My head was still spinning - but I managed to turn the shower on and step underneath the water. 

As I propped myself up against the wall of the shower for stability, I closed my eyes and let it cascade over the top of my head. I was starting to remember the night before; Gerard’s lips brushing my forehead, his arms wrapped tight around me when I woke up in the middle of the night. Without realizing it, a smile crept up each corner of my lips.

I opened my eyes again and grabbed for the shampoo - and that’s when it hit me. Mikey - the ghost of my childhood’s past, was now sitting on my living room couch. I eagerly rinsed the shampoo out of my hair and finished up my shower.

* * *

As I walked back in the living room, Mikey rolled his head back toward me and exclaimed, “Well, don’t you smell nice”

I sat down next to him, “It’s amazing what a shower can do”

He gripped the remote in front of him, “So - I couldn’t decide on just one movie…”

“Wow” I joked, “You had so much time, and yet you couldn’t even pick a movie”

He blushed and threw the remote toward me, “Fine! If it’s that easy, you pick something”

I eagerly obliged and clicked on the first suggested movie that popped up. 

As the intro played in the background, Mikey spoke over it, “You remember how many movies we watched on that beaten up couch at your dad’s?”

_So this is how it was going to go. We weren’t going to watch the movie at all - were we?_

I lowered the volume, “How could I forget?”

“How’s he doing anyway?” Mikey asked

I shrugged, “I don’t even know. He’s in a relationship with his pills. I haven’t spoken to him in years”

“Years?” Mikey asked, “I can’t say I blame you. He was always a dick to you”

“Yeah” I muttered, “How are your folks?”

“They’re good” he started, “But I didn’t like Washington as much as I liked New Jersey. That’s why I came back”

I took a deep breath, “When did you come back, anyway?”

“About six months ago” he started, “I tried to find you- I really did. I just didn’t know where to start”

“I didn’t think I’d ever see you again” I admitted, “And I can’t believe you’ve been in town for 6 months and I haven’t seen you around”

He shrugged, “Well. You’re seeing me now”

I smiled to myself, “I guess I am”

I leaned back into the couch and tried to focus on the movie that I’d already missed the first ten minutes of. Mikey quickly interrupted my focus, “And Gerard is the one who brought you back to me. How wonky is that?”

“Wonky?” I made fun of him.

He laughed, “It is wonky!”

* * *

Hours passed us, and even after the movie (that we barely watched) ended, we still remained on my couch - talking about all of the time that passed us. My face hurt from cry laughing at all of our crazy memories.

“This is nice” he muttered, “It feels exactly like old times”

I smiled back at him. _He was right._ Years had gone by, but we were able to quickly pick right back up to where we had left our friendship. That was - _minus the kiss._

“Are you hungry?” He asked, “Maybe I could order us some food”

I peered out the window and chuckled to myself. The ground was now covered in a heavy blanket of snow that didn’t seem to be letting up any time soon.

“What’s so funny about food?” he asked.

I motioned my head toward the window, “You think a delivery driver is getting here… in that?”

“Holy shit” he jumped and moved closer toward the window, “When and how did that happen?”

I looked down at my phone for the time, “I don’t know, but it’s somehow already 9 pm. I think the snow had enough time to fall. But we can make some food, if you want”

His eyes lit up and he nodded his head. 

I stood up slowly - still slightly light headed from earlier, and walked over to the kitchen.

“You alright there, Mir?” Mikey asked, taking notice of my slower stride.

 _Shit. Now he was giving me butterflies._ It had been a long time since I’d heard him call me “Mir” - _the stupidest variation of a nickname, which he’d created for me at the beginning of our friendship._

“I’m about as good as it gets today” I mumbled, leaning against the counter.

He stood up and walked over to me, “How can I help you?”

I took out a few ingredients from the fridge and placed them in front of him, “What do you like in your pizza?”

“Whatever you want, I’m not picky” he said

I grabbed a knife and a cutting board and placed it in front of him, “Want to cut up the vegetables?”

“On it!” he exclaimed as he picked up the knife.

I reached over to preheat the oven, and as I finished toying with the temperature, the power flickered.

I jumped back from the stove, “Did I do that?”

Mikey snickered at me, “You really think you have that much control over the power?”

“Shut up” I mumbled.

The power flickered again - this time shutting off completely, leaving us in the dark. 

He set down his knife and walked back over to the window, “Looks like the whole neighborhood lost power”

“Fuck” I mumbled, walking closer to him. The snow was coming down heavier now, and had already piled on inches from the last time we looked outside.

“How’s cereal sound to you?” I asked

I could tell he was disappointed, but he tried to play it off, “What kind of cereal?”

“Lucky charms” I muttered, pointing the flashlight of my phone toward my cupboard, “Rice Krispies, Frosted Flakes. I have them all”

He grabbed the box of frosted flakes and poured himself a bowl as I continued to clean the mess we made up. _The vegetables in containers in the fridge, the cutting board and utensils in the sink. I’d organize it all tomorrow._

As I lit a few candles, I turned to him and announced, “Well - it looks like you’re stuck here for now”

“Oh am I?” he asked, almost flirtatiously. _But that wasn’t the point._

“I don’t want you driving home in this” I started, “It’s not safe”

He swallowed a spoonful of his cereal, “You’re only saying that because you’re afraid of the dark”

I shook my head, furiously. I knew he was joking, _but we both knew I was scared of the dark._

I tried to play it off with a sarcastic remark, “Wow - you caught me”

He chuckled, “I know I did”

I rolled my eyes, “Whatever. You can drive home in this, if you want to”

He didn’t say anything back, and the candlelight was too dim for me to get a read on his reaction - _but I wanted him to stay._

“Just stay” I muttered, “At least until it gets better outside”

“Fine!” he exclaimed, jokingly as if it was a chore, “I’ll stay!”

_I could tell he wanted to stay, too._

* * *

We had spent hours talking on the couch, and I was starting to have a hard time keeping my eyes open. Still - I tried to play it off because I didn’t want to fall asleep. _Having Mikey around felt temporary and I didn’t want to wake up from this dream._

I startled myself as I awoke from nodding off. It must have only been a second, but Mikey picked up on it and asked, “Are you tired?”

I sat straight up - trying to appear more alert than I actually was, “No. What would make you say that?”

He laughed, “I’m definitely starting to feel the tired bug, too”

_Fuck. The tired bug? How adorable can one man be?_

I stood up and cleared the sleepiness from my throat, “I can sleep on the couch, if you want my bed”

He shook his head, “No, no. That’s okay. This couch is pretty comfy anyway”

“Well” I mumbled, “I’ll get you some pillows”

* * *

He had already extended his body out on the couch when I came back into the room. 

_It was warmer and brighter out here than my bedroom._

I tossed him a pillow and instead of putting under his head, he cuddled into. With closed eyes, he mumbled, “Goodnight Mir. Thank you for letting me stay here”

“Of course” I whispered as I walked back to my room. I was smiling to myself now. _These past few days, I’d smiled more than I had in six years._

My room was dark, cold, and unsettling. After a few minutes in my bed, I decided it would be more comfortable to sleep on the living room floor. _He was right, I was scared of the dark._

With a blanket draped over my shoulders and a pillow in my hand, I made my way back to the warmth. I tried my best to be quiet, but he quickly awoke.

“You’re still up?” he asked, his voice groggy.

I laid my pillow on the floor, “It’s kind of cold in my room. I think I’ll just sleep here on the ground”

He sat up on the couch and I could hear him laughing, “I fucking told you!”

“What?” I asked - but I knew where he was going with this.

“You only wanted me here because you were too scared to be alone in the dark” he joked.

I could feel my cheeks burning - _he was actually right this time._

“That’s not the only reason” I confessed, “But I am glad you’re here”

He threw his head back into the couch and let out a loud laugh, “Do you just want me to sleep in your room with you?”

I paused. _It felt intimate._

He picked up on this and quickly corrected himself, “I mean - I’d sleep on the floor. You can have your bed”

I scratched my head, “Now what kind of guest would I be if I let you sleep on the floor?”

He shrugged, “Forget it”

_We’d slept together platonically so many times in the past. What harm could sharing a bed do?_

I scratched my head, “The bed is probably comfier for both of us, yeah?”

“Okay” he stood up, grabbing his pillow, “Let’s go then”


	5. Delirious

Sun peeked through the blinds in my bedroom windows, causing me to open my eyes. I could feel warm arms wrapped around me, and as I moved, they stretched out and pulled me in closer. I relaxed into their hold and closed my eyes.

Slowly, my mind began to wake up - and I started to piece together who the arms belonged to. I panicked; last night was only supposed to be platonic. Why, then, had I woken up to our bodies tangled around each other? 

I carefully eased myself out of his grasp and snuck out of the bed. Mikey adjusted his turn on the bed, but his eyes remained shut. Luckily - he was a heavy sleeper, and I was able to sneak out of the room without waking him.

As I walked toward the kitchen, my body stiffened up with guilt. _These weren’t my intentions, and I didn’t want to complicate our friendship - or to potentially lose anything I was creating with Gerard._

I stood in front of my fridge, chugging a bottle of water as I heard a click - followed by the kitchen lights flickering on and burning my sleepy eyes. 

I walked back in to check on Mikey - this time, awakening him by the loud squeal of my bedroom door. He sat up gracefully and smiled at me, obviously delirious to what had happened in our sleep.

“Good morning!” he chirped, “What time is it?”

I looked down at my phone, “About 10 am”

“Wow” he mumbled, “You make me stay up late - and sleep in late”

I laughed, “I usually work overnights anyway, so last night messed my schedule up big time”

“I’m sorry” he muttered, looking down at his phone, “Looks like I’m the worst - because I forgot to tell Gerard I wasn’t coming back last night”

My stomach tightened and I blurted out, “Do you think you should?”

He raised an eyebrow at me, “Yeah? It’s not like we did anything bad”

I felt a lump in my throat, but instead of bringing it up, I deflected with what I did best - sarcasm, “I don’t know. You probably shouldn’t tell him about all of those robberies we were out committing”

“Oh yeah” he laughed, going along with the joke, “He doesn’t need to know about my hard life of crime”

I faked a laugh and right away Mikey picked up on it, adding, “Relax. Gerard has no reason to be upset. You’ve been my best friend as long as I can remember”

“Yeah…” I trailed off, quickly changing the subject, “We have power again”

He lifted the blanket off of his body and stepped out of bed, “Thank god, I don’t know how you’d manage staying here all alone without me”

I bit my lip and let out an awkward, “Yeah”

I looked at him up and down. _Mikey had really grown into his features._

“Are you feeling any better today?” he asked

I nodded my head, “Much better”

Although - I felt uncomfortable. _Looking at him stirred up feelings that were hard to suppress. There was an attraction - and started with the reminder of how it felt to be pressed up against his body and between his arms._

_I needed to divert before he could see through my emotions._

“The roads are better, too” I mumbled

“Good” he started, “Is this your way of kicking me out?”

_It was._

Before I could respond, he cut me off, “I’m only kidding. I should probably head out anyway, we have band practice in a few hours”

“Band practice?” I asked, “Are you in the same band as Gerard?”

He smiled, “Yeah - he told you about that? I play the bass”

“That’s awesome” I started, “You’ll have to show me your music sometime”

He nodded his head, “Yeah, definitely. I expect you to be our number one fan”

I rolled my eyes at him. If there was one thing Mikey made me do best - it was rolling my eyes at his sarcasm.

“On that note” I laughed, “I’m kicking you out. Get out of here”

He chuckled back and started walking toward his shoes, “Glad we got to spend time together. This won’t be the last you see of me”

I smiled, “It better not be”

* * *

I’d tried all day to nullify my guilty conscience, but nothing was working. My bed vaguely smelled of Mikey’s cologne, stirring up a string of memories every time I walked past it.

I needed to clear my mind. I threw on a pair of sneakers and took off on a run.

But - the terrain was different today. The ground was covered by a layer of snow and ice, making it slippery and hard to navigate.

The struggle of keeping a straight line helped to alleviate some of the steam that clouded up in my mind. It was both exhausting and relaxing at the same time. 

The tree branches were mostly glossed over with a fresh coat of ice, and flurries continued to fall from the sky. I picked up my pace - I could audibly hear my own breathing getting louder and I tried to focus on the street ahead of me.

It felt good - relieving almost. Adrenaline was coursing through my body.

And then, suddenly, I heard a voice call out my name. 

I stopped in my tracks and inevitably lost my balance - once again - and fell face first into a pile of snow.

“You really don’t know how to run, do you?” The voice got louder. _I already knew who it was._

I tried to lift myself up, but my arms felt weak. As I looked up, I could see Gerard standing over me, with his hand extended out - once again.

“You okay there, sunshine?” he asked, his eyes full of concern.

My elbows were starting to sting from the cold of the snow. I grabbed for his hand and let him pull me up, “I think so”

“Universe is trying to play a cruel game on us, huh?” he laughed, “Always making you stumble into me when I’m just trying to enjoy a cigarette”

I grunted - everything hurt, “Something like that”

Seeing his face again brought back flashes of the other night. _Had he admitted he liked me, or was that some kind of drunk delusion?_

He took the last puff of his cigarette, flicked it on the ground, and put it out with his foot.

“Heard you kept my brother hostage the other night” he muttered.

I could feel my cheeks burning red. _What had he heard?_

“Yeah…” I started, “The roads were shit”

He nodded his head, “Indeed they were”

_Was he looking for more of an explanation?_

“I’m sorry” I blurted out, “Are you mad at me?”

Hee was taken aback, “What would I be mad at you for, sugar?”

_He called me sugar._

“For hanging out with Mikey?” I asked

He looked up at me, mildly offended, “Is there something I should know?”

I quickly shook my head, “No, no. Nothing like that”

“Listen” he started, “I’m not mad at you. I appreciate you not letting him drive home in that. I know you two have been friends for a long time”

I sighed a breath of relief. 

“It’s not like” he started, but quickly stopped himself, “Do you remember anything from the other night?”

I looked down at my feet, “Bits and pieces”

He awkwardly nodded his head, “Alright”

“I remember you taking care of me” I started, “I should have thanked you sooner for that”

“Yeah” his voice trailed off, “I mean - you don’t ever have to thank me for that”

_Was it a drunken dream?_

“I remember you holding me” I blurted out - trying to get a read on what really happened that night.

His face lit up, “Yeah - that was nice”

I blushed. _At least I didn’t make that part up._

“We’re having another bonfire” Gerard started, “We have them a lot. You should come, everyone really liked you”

I smiled, “Tonight?”

He nodded his head, “Yeah, we usually start around 7, but you’re welcome to come early if you want”

“Okay” I started, a smile still stuck on my face, “I’ll see you there”


	6. Party

_(The bonfire)_

“Miranda!” Gerard exclaimed, eagerly swinging the door open behind him, “You made it!”

For a second it looked like he was going to pull me into a hug - but instead, he anxiously ushered me into the house. Behind him stood a crowd of people, and I was beginning to realize that my version of “early” was everyone else’s version of “fashionably late”.

Somehow as he let me in, his arm made his way around my waist, and he kept it there as he led me into the kitchen. 

_This was new for us. Intimate. I liked the feeling of his touch._

I could tell he was already intoxicated by the way he staggered as he walked. 

Through the swarm of people, I recognized a face hunched over the kitchen island, pouring himself a drink. 

It was Mikey. As we got closer to him, he smiled and raised his glass, “Looky-who we got here! You want one?”

I chuckled to myself. _Mikey was even more drunk than Gerard._

“Oh god, please” I exclaimed, stepping out of Gerard’s grasp and walking towards the island, “I’m slacking. I need to be on both of your level”

“That’s my girl” Gerard slurred, stepping closer to join us.

_The butterflies were returning, even if he meant in a joking way._

As Mikey poured me a cup, he pretended to gag, “Your girl? Gross, gross…”

I flinched. _I felt awkward again._ The idea of Mikey seeing Gerard’s arms around me made me feel uncomfortable. 

As I turned around to face Gerard, I saw him wearing the same embarrassed expression. He dug his hands in his jacket pocket and tried to deflect, “Oh shut up, Mikey”

_Even with blood running to his cheeks and a strong stench of alcohol oozing out of his pores, he looked adorable. I wanted to grab his hand to calm him down._

_Instead,_ I quickly diverted the conversation, “So - who’s here tonight?”

“A few people you met before” Gerard started, sheepishly turning his glare toward Mikey, “Didn’t you say Leslie was coming?”

Mikey froze, mid-way through pouring my drink, and splashed it all over the counter, “I think so”

Gerard let out a deep laugh, “Nervous, are you?”

Mikey handed me the drink. It was wet to the touch, but I didn’t bring any notice of it. Mikey looked distressed.

“Who’s Leslie?” I asked, taking a big gulp of my drink.

I followed Gerard’s sheepish eyes over to Mikey. He shrugged, “A friend”

_I could read the room. Leslie was more than just a friend to Mikey. I suddenly stopped feeling so ashamed to have Gerard’s arm around me._

“Uh huh” I muttered, turning back to Gerard, who was now trying his best to suppress laughter. 

The doorbell rang.

Gerard turned toward Mikey, “Maybe you should get that. Maybe it’s her”

Mikey took one last sip of his drink and aggressively clinked it down against the table. _Preparing his liquid confidence._

“Alright guys” he exclaimed, “I’ll be back. Miranda, help yourself to another drink”

I nodded my head at him and he disappeared into the distance. 

After a few drinks and a lot of laughs with Gerard, I was starting to feel the alcohol myself. 

_He looked good when I was sober, but the more I drank, the sweeter his laughter sounded in my ears._

The crowd was starting to congregate in the living room. I turned to Gerard, “You think we should join them?”

He shrugged, “If you want to”

_Did he want to?_

“It’s your call” I slurred, “It’s you-you’re house, your rules”

He bit his lip flirtatiously and laughed at me, “It’s my house, it’s your call, sugar”

I smiled back at him and inched closer to him, “Do you wanna?”

Still smiling, he reiterated, “I’m putting this burden on you”

I grabbed for his hand and intertwined my fingers with his. His hand was warm and slightly sweaty, but it felt electric to the touch. His smile widened on both corners of his lips.

“Let’s join the living” I exclaimed, pulling him by the hand as we walked out of the kitchen.

* * *

As we entered, my eyes were drawn to Mikey - who was sitting next to a fair-skinned girl with long, red hair and big, green eyes. _Leslie._

He was engrossed in conversation with her, that he didn’t even acknowledge us as we snuggled up together in an empty spot on the couch across from him.

This slightly peeved me at first, but the negative feelings went away as I looked up at Gerard. His lips tilted into a smirk and he winked at me with amorous eyes. I let myself lean into his chest and he tightened his arm around my shoulders.

_Extreme butterflies._

He made me feel secure. This type of intimacy was new to me, but I accepted it with open arms.

Eventually, I felt Mikey’s eyes trail over to us. As soon as our eyes met, he quickly looked away and tried to ignore it - but throughout the rest of the night, I could feel him peeking over at us with envy. 

“Whata-ya got for games?” Slurred one of the guys on the couch across from us. By now, I’d learned his name was Frank.

Mikey shrugged, “Games?”

“Yeah” Frank loudly set his beer glass down on the table in front of him, “What kind of party is this?”

Mikey rolled his eyes, “An adult party?”

Frank leaned back on the couch, “How about some good ol’ truth or dare?”

The guy sitting next to him choked with laughter, “Hell yea! Let’s play truth or dare”

By now, the room was spinning. My body felt like it was on a second delay; my brain processing my thoughts before I could do them. Simple tasks like moving my arm were starting to take a lot more effort. I’d caught up with them - _I was wasted._

“Alright - truth or dare. Who goes first?” Mikey asked, glaring over at Frank.

Frank pointed toward Leslie, “You. Truth or dare?”

Leslie raised an eyebrow, “Dare”

Frank wore a sheepish smirk, “You sure you wanna do that?”

“Try me” Leslie hissed, crossing her legs and leaning forward.

“Okay” Frank grinned, “Don’t say I didn’t warn you. Kiss her”

Frank pointed at me. I sat upward, confused by his words. Gerard burst into the conversation, “C’mon man. That’s not fair, don’t make them do that”

Leslie smiled, “I’ll do it”

I felt my cheeks turning red, but with the courage of a drunk, I interjected, “I’ll do it”

It was a challenge - and at this point of the night, I wasn’t going to be a quitter. Gerard’s lips pressed into a straight line, and he whispered to me, “Are you sure you want to do this?”

I nodded my head and met Leslie halfway. As I stood up, it became more apparent how intoxicated I really was. 

Her perfume smelled nice - like flowers. Her lips were soft and I could taste vanilla from her chapstick. After one peck, she pulled me in closer and kept kissing me. As we pulled away, I could feel almost everyone’s stare beaming at us. 

Gerard was looking up at me sheepishly, chewing on his lip. I’d kissed hers before even brushing his.

Frank was drunkenly clapping, and Mikey was nowhere to be seen.

Embarrassment finally kicking in, I leaned back into Gerard, “I think I could use another drink after that one. You want one?”

He nodded his head, “I’ll take a Guinness, if there are any left”


	7. Guilty Verdict

As I entered the kitchen, I found myself face to face with Mikey. He was sitting alone, tightly clenching his drink over the kitchen island.

His eyes look distressed, _wasted._ He looked up at me and I could see the fear looming all over his face.

_But what was he afraid of? Had my drunken display made him uncomfortable?_

“You okay?” I asked as I opened the fridge to grab another drink.

“Yeah” he muttered, breathless, “I’m alright”

From afar, Mikey may have seemed like the most sober one in the room - but up close, it was obvious he was trashed. 

“You think I shouldn’t have done that?” I asked, plopping down on the chair next to him.

“No, no” he grumbled, shaking his drink into his mouth and slurping up the last few drops.

“Okay” I said. _Something felt off._

“I think you made a lot of people very happy tonight,” He continued. _There it was._

“Shut up” I blushed, “Is that why you ran away here?”

He set his drink down on the table and faced me, “It was a lot to watch, I’ll give you that”

I shrunk in my seat, almost sobering up from his comment, “So you think I shouldn’t have-”

“I didn’t say that” he cut me off, “It made me think”

I took a deep breath, “Think about what?”

“It’s complicated, Mir!” he groaned, “I know I shouldn’t tell you”

_Now I had to know._

“Tell me” I pleaded, “What were you thinking about?”

“It just reminded me…” he started, “You were my first kiss”

I raised my eyebrows. _I was not expecting that._

“And you were mine” I started, “So what are you getting at?”

He stood up and lost his balance - almost tumbling over as he continued, “You know what I’m saying!”

“I- I’m lost” I muttered. _What the fuck?_

He shook his head and paced around the kitchen, “I told you, I shouldn’t have said anything”

“I just” I started, standing up to face him, “You’re not making a lot of sense right now. Can you try to explain to me what you mean by it?”

He started to fidget with his hands, “I - holy fuck. I wish I hadn’t said anything”

_I knew what he meant, but I needed to hear him say the words._

My entire face was burning with embarrassment now. I was reminded of the way it felt to be wrapped in his arms the other night, and how - if the situation was different, it would have been bliss. 

My stomach shot up with feelings for him that I quickly tried to swallow down.

 _But he wouldn’t let me swallow, and he didn’t have the words._ Instead, he stepped close enough to me that I could smell the alcohol on his breath. With each exhale, I could feel it warm against my face. 

His hand moved to my cheek and slid it's way down my face. _I craved his lips._ With one last motion, he lifted my chin and planted a kiss on my lips.

I gave in to it and kissed him back passionately. It was as if time had never passed between the last time his lips met mine. 

He pinned me with kisses against the sink and I gripped the counter-tops to keep us from falling. We were both clumsy and drunk. 

_Fuck. That was just it. **We were both drunk.**_

I quickly pulled away. He mimicked my actions and stepped back in the opposite direction, “What?”

“Mikey” I started, “What are we doing?”

_My stomach was in knots now. We shouldn’t have done that._

“Oh my god” he croaked, “I don’t know. We shouldn’t have-”

 _Hearing him say it out-loud made me feel worse._ I stiffened up, “I need to… go”

His facial features dropped like a sad puppy, “You- you don’t have to. I won’t do it again”

“I just” I began, stepping away from him, “I need some space”

I continued out of the kitchen, sick with guilt. Facing Gerard felt like pouring salt on a wound, but I knew I had to.

\--

I took him aside. His eyes scanned me from top to bottom, “Where’s my Guinness?”

“I - I’m sorry” I admitted, “I feel really sick. I totally forgot…”

The smile on his face dropped to a look of concern. He slid his arm around me, causing me to subconsciously flinch.

Trying to make up for my actions, I continued, “It’s not you. Everything feels really sick and being touched makes it feel worse. I think I’m going to head home”

He pouted his bottom lip, “Do you need a ride?”

I shook my head, “I think need the fresh air instead”

“Do you want me to walk you?” He asked.

I shook my head some more, “It’s short walk, I’ll be okay”

“Okay” he muttered, visibly defeated, “Let me know when you make it home safe, at least. Otherwise I’ll come looking for you”

_Gerard wasn't stupid - he could tell there was something else going on, and instead of prying, he was respecting my request for solidarity. He was such a sweet man and I felt like such a terrible person._

I nodded my head, “I can do that”


	8. I love you

Aside from letting Gerard know I made home okay, a few days had passed since I’d spoken with either of them. This was unusual for me and Gerard, but after the way I’d left things, I didn’t blame him for giving me some space. I couldn't help but wonder what he thought me, or how much Mikey may have told him. 

It was a sickening and lonely feeling, that I only slightly snapped out of when my thoughts were directed toward the pounding of my front door. I quickly pulled a robe over my arms and tightened it together as I ran toward the front door. 

Through the eye-hole of the door, I could see the outline of a nervous Mikey. It felt like a fever dream or some bizarre fairy tail ending. I hesitated, but eventually caved in and opened it for him. 

He eagerly pushed past the door and invited himself in, exclaiming, “We need to talk about what happened the other night”

However, as he glanced over to me and took in what I was wearing, his lips were overtaken by a smirk - followed by another sarcastic comment, “Well, don’t you smell good. Did you shower, just for me?”

I rolled my eyes and played along, “But of course - your majesty. Just for you. I just had this premonition that you would arrive” _(What I wanted to add, but I held my tongue: and force me to confront things I have desperately been trying to stifle...)_

He laughed and made his way over to my couch, “I knew it. But, I have a serious topic that I have been thinking a lot about. Are you ready for it?”

I sat down next to him and nodded my head, “I guess I can’t stop it now”

He chuckled and faced his body toward mine, “Alcohol makes me do some crazy shit apparently, and I wanted to apologize because I’ve been really embarrassed about it”

I took a deep breath of relief. _Thank god, finally a weight lifted off of my shoulders._

“I’m serious” he filled the gap of silence, “You’re my best friend and you’re finally back in my life again. We can’t lose that”

I leaned my hands against my thighs, nervously fidgeting at the softness of my robe, “That means a lot to me, thank you”

“And like this” he continued, “I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.. Like you are right now. I can tell by your posture”

_Of course he would notice something like that, and be right about it. Mikey was probably the one person who could ever see through me._

“How do we make things go back to normal?” He asked

I laughed, “Normal? What is normal for us? You’ve only been back in my life for a week”

He shrugged, “But, you know…”

I took another deep breath, “I do know. You’ve just been gone for so long, Mikey…”

He shrunk in his seat, “Too long. It’s been a hard pill for me to swallow, too”

“And being honest with you” I started, “You were a heartbreak that I never really knew how to heal from. The other night just made it real again”

His voice got softer and began to tremble, “You’ve always been that way for me, too”

I could feel my heart beating heavy in my chest. _This was too real, and I couldn’t just shake off the emotions he was reminding me I had._

“Since we’re being honest” he stared, “It’s rough seeing you with my brother”

_Gerard. I felt so sick thinking of his name. The guilt was coming back to me, this time sprinkled with a handful of regret._

I looked back at him, unsure how to respond back to that. The only thing that left my lips was a heart-wrenching, “I’m sorry”

“But you make him so happy” he sympathetically added, “I love both of you, and I want you both happy”

I could feel my face burning red again. _I love you too, Mikey._

Regardless of how he meant it, it had been a long time since I’d heard him speak those words. It was something we used to say so freely to each other, but now felt like a lump in my throat.

Stuck in though, I didn’t realize the silence I’d created between us. He filled the gap, “But on the other hand…”

I looked up at him. _There’s another hand?_

“That kiss made me really happy,” he finished.

My eyes trailed down to his lips. _The kiss made me happy too - but conflicted. He knew what he was doing to me._

_I wanted to kiss them again._

But instead, I deviously asked, “What’s going on between you and Leslie?”

He gulped, as if I’d brought up something he didn’t want to think about, “I don’t know. I was talking to her before you came back into my life.”

_So he was conflicted, too. I appreciated his honesty._

“Is it serious?” I asked

He shrugged, “Not really, at all actually”

“Did you tell her what happened?’ I asked

He puffed air out of his mouth and shook his head, “No way. Why would I?”

I shrugged, “Did you tell Gerard?”

He was taken aback, “Why on earth would I do that?”

I tilted my head back into the couch with relief, “Thank god”

Mikey chuckled at me and shook his head, “How much of a death wish do you think I have?”

_Fuck his stupid, adorable smile._

I shrugged and looked off to the distance, “I mean - I don’t know”

_It was better for the both of us - for our friendship - if I concentrated more on egg-shell colored walls, instead of his golden-hazel eyes..._

“Why do you care so much?” He asked, “You pulled away. It’s really not a big deal. Did the kiss really mean that much to you?”

“It-” I started, unconsciously looking back at him, “Meant a lot to me. That’s why I pulled away”

_Fuck. His. Eyes._

The smile in his face fell flat. He looked serious - intense, “It did?”

I swallowed my spit, “Of course it did”

I could tell he was staring at my lips now, contemplating it as much as was. _Please Mikey, don’t-_

“Can I” he started, his voice unsteady, “Since we’re both sober now. See if-”

_Mikey, no - I won’t be able to resist -_

He cleared his throat, “I want to kiss you again”

I bit my lip but said nothing. He leaned closer into me and glided his hand through my hair. Our noses were touching now, and this time his breath smelled like mint. 

“Can I?” he whispered. I could feel each breath of a syllable on my cheeks.

I nodded my head and he let our lips collide. Through kisses so intoxicating that we were both gasping for breaths, he grabbed both of my wrists and pushed me back into the couch.

By now, he was completely on top of me - moving his hands up and down the sides of my waist. Our hips seemed to mimic each other with the same rhythm as he continued to kiss me, alternating between my lips and my neck. 

_This was already more than I’d ever done with Mikey, but I was craving more of him._ And he let me have it, with the passion of over six years apart.

“This feels like a dream” he moaned between kisses, “Am I dreaming?”

I bit at his lip and smiled, “I don’t know - are you?”

I could feel him smiling as he kissed me back. 

After (what felt like only minutes - but transpired to almost an hour) he pulled away and cuddled into my side - our faces still smushed close to each other.

“Drunk… or sober” he started, “I like kissing you”

_So much for fixing the friendship._

_Wait -_

_Friendship._

_Gerard._

I quickly sat up. This bizarre fairy tail ending where Mikey showed up on my doorstep and confessed his love to me was over. Had he shown up on my door step any other day, I may have melted into his arms - but today, all I could think about was his brother. 

“Everything alright?” He asked

“I - uh, uh” I couldn’t verbalize my thoughts. 

He quickly sat up, too, “Was that… Did you not like it?”

“No - no” I murmured, “You know I liked it. But we probably shouldn’t do it again”

His face went white, “What? Why?”

_Guilt._

I didn’t have to speak another word. He awkwardly scratched his head, “Maybe you’re right”

_No, maybe I’m not._

He stood up, “Maybe I should go”

I swallowed again, more aware that my lips were throbbing from the passion of his kisses. 

“At least, we know now, right?” He asked, inching closer to the door.

I faked a smile, “I guess so”

“We’re still - okay, right?” He asked. I could tell he was mortified. 

My insides felt like ice, “Of course”

“I still meant everything I said” he muttered.

I nodded my head. _Which part? The one when he said he loved me, that he wanted to kiss me, that he was jealous of his brother?_

_Fuck - I didn’t really want him to go._

“Me too” I mumbled.

I walked closer to the door, but his hand was already on it.

“So - I’m sure I’ll see you around” He continued. _It was so miserably awkward._

_Maybe I did the wrong thing. Maybe I shouldn’t have let him go._

But within a few seconds, the door closed behind him and he was gone.


	9. Downward Spiral pt 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> nswf

_And so, the downward spiral began._

By now, I’d become immune to the way alcohol burned my throat when I chugged it like a bottle of water. 

Half a bottle for breakfast, two shots in the afternoon, and another midway to get me through the day. This nasty habit had become my new routine, but was strong enough to help me numb my troubled mind. 

I’d gone back to avoiding both of the Way brothers. _Loneliness was the only thing gripping it’s arms around me, now._

But I could only avoid them for so long, and eventually Gerard showed up at my door.

I didn’t think much before answering it, and I could see the perplexed look on his look as he took in my scent - a cocktail of liquor and body odor. 

“Hey you” he muttered, pushing himself through the door, “You drinkin’ already?”

I shrugged and slurred, “So wha-? You drink”

He had now successfully forced his whole body into my apartment. 

“Right, I uh…haven’t heard from you in a while” he hesitantly started, “You… doin’ alright?”

_Was I alright? Right now, I just felt dizzy._

I could feel myself swaying with every step. I tried to stabilize my body by leaning against a wall, “Yea, you?”

He looked concerned, now - _and I couldn’t blame him. I could think in full sentences, but I didn’t have the strength to verbalize them._

“Well, uh…” he muttered, “Anyway, I came here to see if you wanted to come over tonight. We’re having another bonfire, but…”

_I was really dizzy, now._

I let my back slide down until my butt was planted on the floor. I stretched my legs out and leaned into them to let the blood run to my head. _Much better._

He sprinted to my side and crouched down on his knees to try and catch a glimpse of my eyes, “You alright there, sunshine?”

“Sun-shine” I slurred, “You called me sunshine”

_Shit. That wasn’t just in my head this time. He heard me say that. Come on Miranda, get yourself together…_

He chuckled and reached forward to push the hair out of my eyes, “How about we get you some water?”

Without moving my head, I glared up at him. He was smiling now - amused at my drunken antics. 

He stood up and walked over to my kitchen, “Where do you keep your cups?”

“Cabinet” I muttered.

“You’re gonna need to be more specific. Which…” He started, but quickly corrected himself with a, “Ah-huh! I found them!”

I dropped my head into my hands trying to hide the embarrassment, but it didn’t work. The faint sound of water running from my sink as he filled a cup only furthered to paint my cheeks red with humiliation. 

“Mikey’s always bringing Leslie around the house” he started, his voice getting louder as he walked back toward me, “It makes me miss you being around”

I lifted my head in shock. _He missed me?_

He handed me the cup of water, “I feel like I messed up with you, somehow”

“You didn’t” I started, slowly processing the first half of his statement, “He is?”

I took a sip of the water. _Sink water, nasty. Vodka tastes better than this._

He sat down across from me with puppy dog eyes, “Mikey said he hasn’t heard from you, either. We’re both worried.”

I swallowed another sip and hung my head in embarrassment.

“And drinking this much - this early in the day?” he started, “What’s going on with you?”

_It’s also too early in the day to make me face my demons, Gerard. Can’t you just let me suffer in peace?_

I grabbed at my knees, “I - haven’t been feeling good”

He let out a small chuckle, “Well of course you don’t feel good, with all of that alcohol in your system”

I nervously chewed at my bottom lip. 

“You know, you can always talk to me” he continued, “That’s what I’m here for”

Tears welled at the bottom of my eyes, causing my vision to blur, “You told me you liked me the other day, before, you know…”

_Brave. I couldn’t make sense of my mind if I tried to, right now._

He rested his arm on my leg, “I didn’t think you would remember any of that”

I wiped a tear from my eye and sniffed, “I like you, too”

He took a deep breath of relief, “Let’s save this conversation for when you sober up, okay, sunshine?”

_Sunshine. I knew he said it on purpose. He was taunting me with that word._

I placed my hand on top of his, “Okay”

He propped his body back up and leaned his arm down toward me, “C’mon, grab here. We’re at least moving to the couch”

My gaze moved to his hand - _frozen,_ as my mind started to process our conversation. 

_This wasn’t a dream. He liked me._

He crouched down further and now had both hands extended out toward me, “Don’t worry. I won’t let you fall”

And just like that - _I melted_ and let my hands collide with his. He pulled me up and held me by the back as he led me to my couch. 

“The remote is on the couch” I mumbled.

He picked it up and rested his body close to me. My head was still spinning and my eyes felt heavy. Without thinking, I readjusted and ended up with my head snuggled close to his shoulder. 

“You in a scary movie kind of mood, or a…” he started, but his voice trailed off into the distance as he looked over at me. 

I was falling asleep. I quickly fluttered my eyes open and looked up at him. He let out a chuckle and whispered, “Forget it. Close yours eyes, I’ll be right here”

\--

I woke up to a sober version of myself and stretched my body into Gerard. He quickly wrapped his arms around me and leaned us in a different direction.

“Well good morning - er, afternoon to you” he exclaimed, “I’m glad you’re awake. My arm went numb, but you looked too cute, all dead asleep. I didn’t want to wake you”

I blushed, “What time is it?”

“It, uh…” He pulled his arm away from me and looked at his watch, “Already 6 at night”

“Woah” I muttered, “I slept for a long time”

He laughed, “Yeah, you did. You feeling any better now?”

Suddenly hit by a wave of emotions, I snuggled in closer to his warm body. He’d seen me in such a vulnerable, drunken state - yet he stayed so sweet throughout it all. 

I wasn’t used to this kind of compassion. _He could have easily taken advantage of me, but instead he chose to take care of me._

And now - sober, with his body wrapped so tightly around mine, _I wanted him to take advantage of me._

“Yeah” I exclaimed, “Much, much better”

I couldn’t see his face, but I could hear the smile in his voice, “That’s what I like to hear”.

We laid there for a moment in silence. I could feel his chest rising with every breath he took - at a slightly slower rate than mine. I held mine for a second, trying to slow mine down and mimic his rhythm. 

However, he broke my concentration, “Any chance you still want to come over tonight?”

“Yeah, it’d be nice to get out of this apartment”, I started, “But I definitely need to shower first”

He laughed. _We both knew I needed to shower._

“Do you, uh” I nervously asked, “Want to join me?”

I could feel his body tense up, “In the shower?”

_Fuck being shy, I wanted more of him now._

He eagerly sat up, “Yeah - yeah, I’ll join you”

\--

I stepped into the shower first, as Gerard fumbled through taking his clothes off. The water felt magical as it fell through my hair, and even better as Gerard walked in beside me.

_We still hadn’t kissed - and I was craving more of him._

By now, he wasn’t shy, either. He slid his arms down the curves of my waist, stopping at my hips to take in a glimpse of my body. I swung my arms around his neck - and, there it was - our first kiss. 

Although, it certainly couldn’t be our last. With our lips tangled together, he pushed me against the shower wall and rubbed his cock against me.

“I want to feel you” I muttered, gripping at his bulge, “Every part of you - inside of me”

_I’d wanted this for longer than I can remember._

He threw me into the wall, tighter this time - his hands gripping each of mine, “You sure you want this, angel?”

I kissed him back once more, “Please”

* * *

_(After)_

As I closed my apartment door behind me, a cold breeze stung my face. 

_It was days like these that made me wonder why the fuck Gerard prefered walking over driving here._

But - I couldn’t complain, because this time I had Gerard’s hand to keep me warm. And now, we could pause on sidewalks and exchange kisses as much as we wanted. 

I could tell we were almost at his house by the smell of bonfire, and as we got closer I could hear loud chatter from the backyard.

So enthralled by Gerard’s touch - I had almost forgotten that Mikey would be somewhere on the other side of his front door. However, I felt relief as we walked into an almost empty living room. _Maybe I’d be able to avoid him._

Gerard’s arm slid around my waist and pulled me closer to plant a kiss on my cheek. 

“You want a smoke?” He asked

I shook my head, “You know I don’t smoke”

“You mind if I step out for a second?” he asked.

“Sure” I mumbled, planting myself on his couch, “I’ll be right here”

Within two minutes, I heard the back door swing open. Half-expecting it to be Gerard, I flipped my head around - only to find myself face to face with long red hair and bright blue eyes. _Leslie._

“Miranda!” she exclaimed, “No one told me you were coming tonight”

_I was surprised she remembered my name, even after drunkenly swapping spit with me._

“Gerard talked me into it” I muttered, “Then left me to go smoke one of his cancer sticks outside”

She let out a laugh, but quickly diverted her focus to the sound of the back door swinging open again. _Still not Gerard._

_And this time - even worse._

At first, Mikey didn’t notice me as he wrapped his arm around Leslie. But it didn’t take long, and as his eyes moved closer to me I could physically see him shutter before letting out a, “What are you doing here?”

_Thanks for making me feel so welcome here…_

“She’s waiting on Gerard” Leslie spoke for me, before I could find the voice. 

I anxiously chewed at my lip. _The thought of seeing Mikey at all made me uncomfortable, but now he could see through the real reason I rejected his kiss. How could he ever forgive me for this?_

Mikey raised an eyebrow at me and whispered something into Leslie’s ear. She giggled and winked back at him, before taking off toward the kitchen - leaving me and Mikey in awkward silence. 

He looked like he wanted to say something to me, but before he could, we were cut off by another swing of the back door. This time, followed by a “Hey buddy!” from Gerard.

Mikey’s eyes met Gerard’s with a head nod. 

Gerard came closer to me and extended his arm back over my shoulder - _as if he couldn’t get enough of my touch._

_It hurt to swallow - as if there was a lump in my throat._

Gerard couldn’t tell, but I could see Mikey’s hands visibly shaking, furious with what was going on in front of him. Without another word, he stormed after Leslie and disappeared into the kitchen.

_I’d created a monster. I’d lost my best friend._


	10. Downward Spiral pt 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before you read through this, I want to give a quick warning that this chapter gets pretty dark. But... I think it is a necessary step in this series.

_(The next day)_

I woke up in my own bed, alone, and with a hangover. 

I didn’t have any advil - but I had a few containers of benzos that I’d hoarded in my cupboard, instead of taking them like I was prescribed. I swallowed two, and they worked - better than I thought they would.

As the feeling of the high started to dissipate, I grabbed for another - this time swallowing with a shot of whiskey. 

By my third shot, I was starting to feel a lot more loose. _The best I’d felt in a long time. Unstoppable._

 _Unfortunately, unstoppable also means lethargic on my couch_ \- asleep by noon.

I opened my eyes back up at 5pm. I was sweaty, and probably wouldn’t have left the couch if it weren’t for my insistent urge to pee. As I washed my hands, I became more aware of my sobriety and searched the counters for my bottle of pills.

I left my bathroom with the water still running and collapsed under a blanket on the couch.

Days passed by in front of my eyes, and I was still enjoying the feeling the pills were giving me. A higher dosage than recommended, swallowed down with a sting of alcohol. 

_Ding._

I jumped at the sound of the doorbell.

_I knew it was one of the fucking Way brothers again._

I poured a few more pills into my hand and swallowed them dry. _I’d already finished my last beer._

I peaked out the eyehole and could see the hazy silhouette of Gerard. _I knew it._

I opened the door and Gerard forced himself in again, “You keep disappearing on me”

_How long had it been since the last time I’d seen him? Fuck - I could feel the sensation of release in my head. The drugs were kicking in now._

I sniffed and pointed toward my phone, “I don’t know how long it’s been dead for”

Gerard stood there with his legs locked, fixating on my eyes before blurting out, “Holy shit - are you high right now?”

_How could he tell?_

I gave him a smirk and stumbled over to my couch, expecting him to follow. He ran up next to me, as if I needed him to help me onto my couch.

“I’m fine” I slurred, pushing out of his arms.

I closed my eyes. Everything felt so good - so relaxing. _I wish he could feel what I was feeling right now._

“I wish you could feel what I was feeling right now” - _Did I think that, did I say that? I don’t know. I can’t tell. It didn’t matter._

\--

Suddenly, I awoke to Gerard snapping his fingers.

_I fell asleep?_

“You need to stay awake, Miranda” he yelled, “How much have you had to drink? I found the bottles all over your table”

I started to laugh, but it was a struggle to exert any energy - and I closed my eyes. _I wanted to fall back asleep._

My breathing felt shallow, and I felt kind of nauseous at first. I could hear Gerard talking on the phone, but couldn’t make out the words. I tried to take another deep breath, but instead it felt more like a gasp. My body felt like it was on fire - and my arms wouldn’t move the way I wanted them to. With my eyes still closed, I could feel myself fading off into unconsciousness.

I flickered my eyes open for a second - I was on the floor of my living room, and Gerard was standing over me, counting in variations of “1, 2, 3, 4” while pushing compressions into my chest. 

I started to cough and woozily tried to push him off of me. I didn’t have the energy, but I could feel his tears pouring onto my chest. Slowly, I felt myself drift back into a deep sleep. 

\--

Finally, my eyes opened to blinding white walls - causing a sudden urge of fear to overcome my body. I quickly sat upward, only to feel myself restricted by a sharp pinch of pain in my right arm. It was an IV. My body felt weak, and I could hear the movement and footsteps rush to my bedside.

“You’re awake!” exclaimed a familiar voice.

I looked down at my arm, which didn’t feel like it belonged to me, “Why the hell do I have an IV in my arm?”

As I became more luculent, I could start to associate the voice with the blurry outline of Gerard. I looked up at him, and managed to ask, “Why the fuck am I here?

He paused before responding to anxiously rub at his forehead, “I think you tried to kill yourself”

I shook my head, “I didn’t, I wasn’t – “

He quickly cut me off, “Well, they had to pump your stomach. I’m not sure what you took, but it didn’t mix well with the large amount of alcohol you chased it down with”

I tried to take a deep breath, but it felt shallow.

Mikey quickly ran through the door and up to my bed. His eyes were bloodshot, and I could tell that he had been crying. He grabbed my hand and muttered, “What the fuck did you do to yourself, Mir?”

Seeing Mikey made me burst into tears. Between shallow breaths, I managed to say “I didn’t mean to do this – I wasn’t trying to hurt myself. I was just trying to numb the pain.”

By now I was hyperventilating. Gerard put his hand on my shoulder and calmly rubbed it, trying to calm me down.

“I don’t know what kind of pain you’re feeling”, Mikey started, “But I really wish you would have called me before doing this.”

Through tears, I was able to make out the words, “I wasn’t trying to turn out like my dad”

Mikey tightened his grip on my hand. Through blurry vision, I could still see the fear in both of their eyes. 

It wasn’t until the next day, when I was deemed well enough to leave the hospital, that Gerard had made the decision I would be staying with them. According to him, this was a mutual decision between Mikey and Gerard - and they were willing to take shifts of checking up on me, so that I couldn’t relapse again.

Gerard drove me to pick up some items from my apartment, and helped me move them into their guest room.

The more I’d remembered what happened, the more I felt physically sick with guilt. For what I’d done to myself - and for what that had done to Mikey and Gerard. I promised myself that I wouldn’t let myself fall into my father’s shoes, but I guess old habits die hard.

From what I understand, Gerard spent five minutes on the phone with 911 before my breathing went agonal due to a drug overdose, and he was forced to spend the next nine minutes doing CPR on me.

Through all of this, I found a deeper understanding of my own mortality, and how vulnerable I really was in this life. If Gerard hadn’t found me, I probably wouldn’t have made it.  
  
I could tell Mikey and Gerard were feeling these emotions, too. It was a little uncomfortable being around them, but I appreciated and sorely needed their support through this.  
  
They checked on me while I was sleeping, even more frequently than the nurses at the hospital. Especially Gerard, who was undoubtedly shell-shocked after finding me like that.

* * *

I woke up to Gerard slightly shaking me, holding a mug of tea and a bottle of pills.

“Wakey Wakey”, he sang, “It’s medicine time”

Sleepily, I leaned up in the bed and grabbed for the pill bottles. He quickly pulled it back and held it over his head, “Not so fast. I’m going to be monitoring your consumption of these”

I leaned back in the bed and rolled my eyes, “Aren’t they just antibiotics?”

He shrugged and poured one out into his hand, “It doesn’t matter. I’m not taking any risks with you”

I rolled my eyes as I swallowed the pill. I couldn’t be mad at him, but I felt like my freedom had been taken away from me.

“I know you’re just protecting me” I admitted

“That’s my job” he exclaimed, closing the bottle of pills.

I paused for a second, then added, “Thank you for all you did for me. I know you saved me”

“Well” he cleared his throat, “Was I supposed to just let you die?”

I shuddered - they were powerful words. He sat down on the bed, next to me.

“I’m here to take care of you as you get better” he said gently, “But you also have to learn to take care of yourself, sunshine”

I leaned my head into him and closed my eyes shut, in an attempt to hold back tears. This didn’t work, though, and I could feel them falling down my cheeks.

He put his arm around me and rubbed at my shoulder, “I need you to take it easy, sugar. We’re going to get through this together”


	11. Jealousy

(Three weeks later)

It wasn’t easy - but I was starting to feel better. 

Gerard and I stood in the kitchen, preparing breakfast. I was clutching a cup of coffee with one hand, and cutting up fruit with the other. Gerard was standing directly behind me, frying up eggs on the stove.

I could hear Mikey’s door creak open and turned to Gerard, “You think I should be cutting up extra for Mikey?”

Gerard wore a sheepish look on his face - as if he knew what was about to greet us at the bottom of the stairs, “Maybe extra extra?”

The sound of foot-steps made clunking noises as they walked down the stairs. It was Leslie - and she was now peaking into the kitchen.

“Mmm, smells good” she mumbled. Her eye makeup was smudged all over the side of her face, and she was still wearing yesterday’s black dress.

“You staying for breakfast?” Gerard asked, flipping an egg on the stove.

She pulled her arms into a little leather jacket, “I gotta run. Thanks for the offer”

Mikey appeared behind her and pulled her into a quick hug - kissing her on the forehead as she walked away.

Without hesitation, I rolled my eyes and leaned back over toward Gerard, “You need any help with that?”

“I’m fine, honey” he started, “Why don’t you sit down and finish your coffee?”

I eagerly obliged. Mikey walked in and sat down next to me.

Gerard turned around, “Looks like someone had a fun night last night”

Mikey half-smiled and reached to pour himself a cup of coffee.

I picked up my coffee, took the last sip, and placed it in the kitchen sink, “Suddenly, I’m not feeling very hungry. I think I’m going to go lay down”

I walked back over to my guest-room and laid down on the bed. I knew it wasn't fair to anyone for me to feel these emotions, but the vision of Mikey kissing Leslie's forehead made me feel sick. 

It was only a month ago that Mikey doing the same to me. Although, I was fortunate for Gerard in my life, I hadn't found any closure toward Mikey. He was a looming presence that now constantly surrounded me. 

\-- 

Gerard broke my thoughts by walking in the door, with a plate full of breakfast.

"I know you said you weren't hungry" he smiled, "But just in case you are - this is for you. I have to start getting ready for work"

I jumped up and pulled him into a hug, "Thank you for always thinking of me"

He smiled and hugged me back, "Of course, sugar. You need to eat"


	12. (Run)ning away from my problems

“Are you going on a run?” Mikey asked as I stood in front of the door, lacing up my sneakers.

I rolled my eyes at him, “I think the answer to that is pretty obvious”

“Cool” he laughed, “Can I join you?”

I shrugged, “I guess”

Truthfully, I really didn’t want Mikey to join me. Running had become my one escape away from reality.

“Can you give me a minute to throw some running shorts on?” He asked

I nodded and went back to lacing my second shoe. After a few minutes, he ran back down the stairs and we both started out the front door. I didn’t want to bring my pace down to match his, and instead started to outrun him - but he quickly caught up to me.

“Hey” he muttered, blatantly out of breath.

I quickly moved my eyes to him, “Hey”

“Did seeing me with Leslie piss you off this morning?” he asked

I slowed down my pace, “No, what would make you say that?”

“You leaving the kitchen before even eating the food you were making?” he laughed

“I wasn’t feeling good, that’s all” I lied.

We continued the rest of the run in silence, but my mind kept racing. At the visual of him kissing her on the head.

Eventually, he couldn’t keep up with my pace - and before I knew it, he wasn’t behind me anymore. I stopped and ran back toward him. 

“Sorry” he managed to make out between heavy breaths, “You’re fast”

I smirked and handed him my water bottle. 

“You can go on without me, if you want” He said

I nodded my head, and started running back down the trail. After twenty minutes, I made it back to the apartment, only to find Mikey had already beaten me to it. I walked into the kitchen and poured myself some water.

Mikey followed me, “You know, when I said you could go on without me, I was kinda just putting out the offer with the hopes that you would wait for me to catch my breath”  
I chugged my water and set the cup on the table, “Ah, so we’re playing games now?”

I couldn’t shake the anger that was beginning to manifest over the image of him and Leslie. I knew it wasn’t warranted - as I was constantly snuggling close to his brother, but I couldn’t help but reminisce on those seemingly meaningless words he’d spoon-fed me a few months prior.

Instead of waiting for an answer, I walked myself up the stairs and turned on the shower. The stress of everything was coming back to life - and as I let the water run over my shoulders, I could barely catch my breath through tears. 

“I’m a terrible person” I mumbled to myself, “I should be better”

Finally, I was able to steady my breathing and managed to step out of the shower. As I walked out of the bathroom, with just a robe wrapped around my body, I found myself face-to-face with Mikey.

“Why were you crying?” he asked, his eyes full of concern.

I could feel my cheeks turn bright red again and tears began to form back into my eyes, “How long were you standing there for?”

He awkwardly shifted his stance, “Just a minute or two”

I tried to take a deep breath, but it quickly turned into the beginning of a hyperventilation. He jolted his eyes back up to me.

“Hey, hey” he soothed, opening his arms wide, “Come right here. Everything’s going to be okay.”

I hesitated. Instead, he walked over to me and pulled me into a hug, “What’s wrong, Mir?”

It didn’t help - and I couldn’t begin to talk through this panic attack. I felt him tense up, and could only imagine the fear in his mind; would I relapse? Would I hurt myself again? That wasn’t my intent.

“Can I do anything to make you feel better?” he asked

I shook my head, barely able to make out the words, “I don’t know what’s wrong with me right now.”

“Well, let’s go sit down and talk. Do you want that?” He asked

I nodded my head and tightened the towel around my body, “Can I change first?”

He smiled, “If you’re up to it”

\--

I met him back in his room, and quickly noticed a difference - it was a lot cleaner than usual. He must have been trying to impress Leslie.

“Hey” he perked up, as I opened the door.

I put my head down, “Hey”

“You look better” he started, “Do you feel better? Do you want to sit down?”

I half-smiled, “That’s a lot of questions - but yes, I do. Thank you”

“You know, I was kind of scared you were mad at me earlier”, he started, “Were you just upset about something else?”

I shrugged, “I’m not entirely sure. My mind hasn’t been working right lately.”

“What do you mean by that?” he asked, concerned.

“I don’t know how to explain it” I started, “Nothing feels okay.”

His phone started vibrating. He looked at it, but set it back down.

“You can get it if you want”, I mumbled.

He shook his head, “It’s just Leslie. I think she wanted to go out tonight, but she can wait.”

“You should really get it” I urged him, “I’ll be okay. Seriously.”

He looked conflicted.

“Are you sure?” he started, “I’d invite you to join us, but …”

I quickly responded with, “No” and then corrected myself, “Thank you, but I’d rather stay in.”

“Well then I’ll stay in with you” he said

“I’m just really not in the mood to pretend to be happy around her” I said

“Okay” he started, “Then she’s not going to be here. But I will stay with you.”


	13. Memory Lane

“You know - I was thinking” Mikey started, a devious look overtaking his face, “You remember all of those contracts?

I paused and nodded my head, “No… You don’t still have those…”

He licked his lips and scrunched his nose, “I have a whole box of crap in my basement”

“Holy fuck” I muttered, “Why didn’t you bring this up sooner?”

_If he was trying to distract me, it was working._

He shrugged, “You want to go find them?”

I could feel my pupils dilating as I nodded my head in excitement. 

“Okay, hold on just one second” he mumbled, looking down at his phone, “I just have to tell Leslie we have to reschedule.”

 _Fine by me,_ I thought to myself – excited by the ghost of memories past that may be waiting to greet me down his stairs.

\--

“Alright”, he started, a smile growing from ear to ear, “You ready?”

I followed behind him, as he led me through a partially finished basement that smelled strongly of dust. 

He pointed to the right and grabbed my wrist, leading me through an area lined with band equipment, and stopping at a small stack of boxes.

“It’s one of these” he mumbled, loosening his grip, “Just have to figure out which one…”

I spun around and took in the sights of his basement, as he stumbled through the boxes. 

_It was strange - the one area in Mikey’s house that I hadn’t frequented._

“Is this where you guys practice?” I asked, peering over at a drumset. 

“Yeah” he mumbled, fixated on the boxes, “We haven’t been playing as much lately”

“I can’t believe I still haven’t heard you play” I started, “What kind of number one fan am I?”

He chuckled and slammed a box on the floor in front of him, “I found it”

He was already peering through the papers - smiling and laughing as I walked back over to him.

“Wow” I muttered, “You’re going through them without me?”

He held a notebook up in the air and I quickly pulled it from his hands.

_I knew exactly what it was. Our “bible” - a book full of poorly written contracts and amendments we created as a joke, instead of paying attention in 6th grade history._

_We’d deemed our meeting spot the “forbidden forest”, a name probably stolen from watching too much Harry Potter- but it fit. It was our forest - a sanctuary hidden from everyone else._

Tears filled my over-emotional eyes again, but this time they were tears of joy. Nostalgia I’d choked down deep in my memory, revealing itself to me. 

Mikey could see this and hesitantly asked, “You - are you still doing okay?”

“Yeah” I nodded my head, “Memories are just flooding back to me”

He let out a small laugh, “Well - open the notebook already!”

I took a deep breath. 

_So many years. I’ve fucking missed him._ This was it – a piece of the past I couldn’t escape, that confirmed the legitimacy of our friendship.

The first page was written and crayon and included poorly drawn stick figures of Mikey and I. My cheeks burned red - I knew it was me who’d drawn it. 

The second page included the beginning of the contract. I took a deep breath and began to read it out loud, “The best friend contract”

I could hear him let out a breathy laugh.

“Amendment number one”, I started, “Attendance to the Forbidden Forest is mandatory, punishable by death if a good excuse is not given”

“What the fuck was wrong with us?” Mikey blurted out.

I took a deep breath and continued, “Amendment number two. Always have each other’s back, even if you disagree”

I swallowed and continued, “Amendment number three. Do not get caught while sneaking out”

I stopped reading and turned to Mikey, “I’m convinced now that we were just writing down random words. What kind of contract is this?”

He smiled at me, “I don’t know. I kind of like it. Keep going”

I rolled my eyes and continued, “Amendment number four”, but couldn’t choke out the rest. 

_Amendment 4: Others lie. Never let anyone fool you into loving them as much as we love each other._

_I remember writing that - after our first kiss, and after a fight with my dad. It made perfect sense at the time, but reading it now made me uncomfortable. Had we broken the rule? Is this one punishable by death?_

_Was I already dead?_

“Why’d you stop?” He asked. 

I threw the book toward him and it landed on the floor. _My shitty aim._ I looked down at my feet.

He picked it up and fixated on the amendment, but didn’t speak another word before dropping it back in the box. 

“There’s some funny drawings in here” he started, pulling out pieces of paper, “Remember when you tried to draw me?”

I looked back at him. His cheeks were red, too. _He was diverting his embarrassment._

Eager to change the tone, I pretended to perk up, “Show me”

* * *

_(Later that night)_

Something strange happened - sound asleep, I awoke suddenly to light tapping at my bedroom door. Startled, I hazily jumped out of bed and inched over to see who (or what) was waiting for me on the other side.

It felt like a plot-line in a scary movie, and I was ready; a pillow clenched tightly between both of my hands to defend myself. But, low and behold, there was no monster on the side of the door - as I opened the door, it revealed a heavily intoxicated Mikey propping himself up against the side of the wall.

I loosened my grip on the pillow and burst out into laughter, “What the fuck, Mikey?”

“Shh” he hushed me, “Secret”

_He was wasted - gone._

I raised my eyebrow, “Okay drunkie, let’s get you to sleep”

He shook his head and leaned in closer to me. His breath stunk of alcohol, “The contract”

_Oh god._

I stepped backwards, “Yeah, that was something”

He lifted his arm and gently pat down the side of my face, “God, we fucked up”

I froze in my tracks. _For a second he sounded sober._

“I sometimes wonder” he started, “If you are the only one for me”

My heart was racing now. _His drunken slurs were enough to slice right through the scar-tissue nostalgia he’d left - almost like a wound on my heart._

“Mikey” I whispered, “You know we can’t do this again. Your brother… you have a beautiful girlfriend”

“She’s not my girlfriend” he mumbled, tracing his finger back up against the side of my cheek, “Why aren’t you?”

_These words were enough to cripple every nerve-ending in my body. I felt numb, like pins and needles throughout every extremity of my body. This isn’t the first time he’d put me in this moral dilemma - not even the second._

_Why, then, would he continue to torture me with his words?_

I grabbed his hand and pulled it off of my face, “We can’t. Not again”

_Although, I wanted to…_

His put his head down in embarrassment and started to stumble, “I’m sorry”

_I knew that stance. I've felt it too many times recently. He was about to vomit or fall over._

I quickly ran over to him and put my arm behind him, helping to stabilize his posture, “How about we get you back to your room?”

He shamefully bit his lip and nodded his head, “I don’t think I’ll ever get over you”

_I could have let go and dropped him right there._

_Me too, Mikey. Me too._

I pushed lightly at his back, urging him to step forward in the direction of his room, “You’ll get over me when the alcohol leaves your system”

He fought my push, “No, I won’t”

I pulled my hand away from behind him, as if suddenly _touching him burned my fingers._

“Why do you always pretend like it’s not there?” he murmured, his voice low in volume.

I stepped forward - hoping instead, he’d follow my lead.

 _It worked._ He took another step toward me, and I took another one back.

“I know you feel it, too” he continued. My plan had worked - and by now, he’d followed me almost all of the way to his room.

I pushed his door open, “Walk in there, and we’ll talk”

“Fine” he slurred, pushing his way past me and stopping in front of his bed, “Come in here”

I stepped in and closed the door behind me, “You need to get into bed and stop this, Mikey”

 _He was stubborn, like a child._ He sat on his bed and crossed his arms, “Stop making you confront the truth?”

“What is the truth?” I asked angrily.

“You love me” he continued, “And I love you, too”

I took a deep breath, “Maybe. But that doesn’t change our situation”

He sighed and laid back down into his bed, “I wish it did”

I walked over to him and helped to lift his limp, dangling feet onto his bed, “Go to sleep, Mikey”

He stubbornly rolled over to his side so that he didn’t have to face me anymore. I pulled the blanket out from underneath him and tucked it over his body. He stayed quiet, and within a few seconds he’d fallen asleep. 

I quietly snuck out of his room, barely closing the door behind me. 

_Another sleepless night._ After a few hours of tossing and turning, I crawled out of bed again and made my way over to Gerard’s room. 

As I jumped in his bed, he pulled me in closer to him and held me tight. I could finally close my eyes.


	14. Flowers

_(spring)_ Time had continued to progress, leaving no mention of that terrible, sleepless night.

Trees were beginning to blossom with flowers and the sun was starting to stay out later in the night. I could feel it’s rays warming at my shoulders as Gerard and I strolled, hand in hand, along the boardwalk.

Although it was just the beginning of spring, it felt like a warm summer day, and the freckles on my cheeks were starting to show. With just barely a breeze flowing through my hair as we moved, I longed for cold evenings where Gerard would place his jacket over my arms.

“It’s nice out” he muttered, continuing to fill his lungs with a drag of his cigarette.

I combed the hair out of my eyes with my left hand, “Isn’t it?”

“You know” he looked over at me sheepishly, “I don’t think I’ve ever been this happy before”

I looked back at him and tightened my grip around his hand, “Do you mean that?”

His lips curled into a big smile, but before he could speak another word, our silence was broken with the excited screech of, “Gerard!”

We both quickly turned our heads to face Frankie, blatantly out of breath, and jogging toward us.

Gerard stepped back and let out a chuckle, “Well, well. Would you look who it is”

“Hey man” he started, took a deep breath, and then faced me, “Hey Miranda” “Hey Frankie”

I smiled at him. “What are you guys up to?” He asked, directing his vision back toward the direction he came from.

Gerard’s eyes wandered off in the same direction as Frankie’s, “Just taking this pretty girl for a walk”

I rolled my eyes and joked, “I’m not a dog, Gerard”

He winked at me and moved his arm to the small of my back - giving it a small, teasing squeeze.

“I’m just waiting on Mikey and Bob” Frankie started, still looking out into the distance,

“We were supposed to grab lunch, but they’ve been taking their fucking time out there

” His eyes lit up, and he continued, “There they are. You guys wanna join us?”

Gerard’s eyes caught mine, and he shot me a glare asking for approval. I nodded my head at him and looked up at Frankie,“Where are we going?”

Bob chirped in,“That’s the pressing question. You have any suggestions?”

“Flour’s!” Frankie chirped

Mikey approached us and rested his hands against a ledge of the boardwalk, “Flour’s? Again?”

I turned around to face him and his eyes quickly darted contact. Although it was unspoken, things were always awkward when we were around Gerard.

“We all like Flour’s” Gerard started, “So Flour’s it is”

\--

“She should be here any second” Mikey started, his eyes gravitating between his phone and the door, “She said she left when we got here”

Frankie rolled his eyes as he forked the first bite of his food, “Well, I’m not waiting for her”

I felt my phone vibrate, and opened it to a text from Gerard: “They’re all freaks, aren’t they?”

He texted me back: “Thank you for putting up with this for me.”

I rolled my eyes, : “Thank you for letting me”

He texted again: “Anytime. Now put your phone down and eat those delicious looking pancakes before I eat them for you”

He gave me a wink and set his phone down on the table. I laughed to myself; the pancakes did look delicious.


	15. Envy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Every "--" indicates a period of time passing between each segment.

“We can’t wait any longer” Bob muttered, “She’s obviously not coming”

Our plates were all empty, and the waitresses were starting to make it more obvious that we had out-stayed our welcome.

Mikey chewed on his lip and continued to stare at his phone, “She said she’d be here. How late are we staying?”

Frankie’s eyes got wide, “I’ve got all night. Tell her to meet us on the boardwalk”

“Yeah” Bob started, “I’ll hang around, too”

Everyone’s focus shifted toward Gerard, who quickly darted the attention toward me, “Ball’s in your court, Miranda. You wanna ditch these clowns?”

I rolled my eyes, “I mean - I guess we can stay. But only if we make a pit stop at the stand selling frozen margaritas”

Gerard’s arm stretched wide around my neck, and he smirked as he announced, “Looks like we’ll be joining you guys, but first - I gotta take my girl to get some frozen margaritas”

\--

“Strawberry” I mumbled, reading through the list of flavors, “I’ll take a strawberry-watermelon”

I could feel Gerard’s eyes peering over to mine in surprise, then quickly darting back to the cashier, “I’ll take the same”

“You want anything, Mikey?” Gerard yelled into the distance, “It’s on me”

Mikey stiffened up at the sound of his own name and shook his head.

“He’ll take a strawberry-watermelon, too” I motioned toward the cashier.

Gerard raised his eyebrow at me, and I quickly defended my actions, “Look at Mikey. He looks like he could use a drink”

Gerard nodded his head in agreement and handed his card to the cashier.

Since our last, awkward, drunken encounter - things hadn’t felt the same between Mikey and I. We stopped talking as much, but would frequently see each other in gatherings like this one. Today, Mikey wasn’t his normal, cheery, energetic self; he was quiet and distant, his eyes constantly glued to his phone.

I felt bad for him. It pained me to see him so morose.

I kissed Gerard on the cheek and grabbed both of the drinks, “Thank you, honey”

He winked back at me, “Anything for my sugar”

As he turned to continue conversation with Frankie, I slowly walked both drinks over to Mikey - who was now sitting on a bench, hunched over his phone.

At first, he was so focused on texting, that he didn’t notice my entrance. I loudly cleared my throat to get his attention - causing him to jump in his seat.

“Hey” he muttered, “Two margaritas?”

I smiled and extended one out to him, “One’s for you. You looked like you needed one”

His eyes lit up, and he eagerly grabbed for it, “Is it that obvious?”

I hesitantly nodded my head, “It’s - very obvious. She’s not coming, is she?”

He shrugged, “She said she is. But we’ve been fighting all day”

I sat down next to him and took a sip of my drink, “You wanna talk about it?”

He sighed, “There’s not much to it. I probably shouldn’t have said everything I just did to her”

I looked up toward Gerard - he was leaning against the ledge of the boardwalk, laughing with Frank and Bob. Our eyes met for a brief second, and I quickly lifted up my finger - indicating that I’d be a few minutes. He nodded his head and continued his conversation.

“What were you fighting about?” I asked

He leaned further into the bench, “Just - stupid shit. I can’t even explain it, because it sounds as dumb as it is”

“Well” I started, desperately searching my mind for something to say back to him, “You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to. But I’m here if you do”

He laughed, “That’s so like you”

“What?” I asked, my cheeks turning red. Did I say the wrong thing?

“You always”, he started, then quickly corrected himself, “Thank you. I don’t really want to talk about it, but I appreciate you being there for me”

I smiled, “Now - why haven’t you started drinking your margarita?”

He smiled back and sarcastically muttered, “I’m pacing myself - okay?!”

I held out my drink in front of him and continued with sarcasm, “No - I expect you to cheers your drink with me, take a sip of it, and then we’re going to have a good day at the boardwalk”

He rolled his eyes and let his cup clank against mine, “I guess I can do that”

Our eyes met for a second and I could feel my heart rate increase. It felt like old times again, and I desperately wanted to pull him into a hug. Instead, I quickly downed a sip of my drink. He did the same.

I could see a genuine smile creeping up each side of his lips.

I stood up, “Now what are we waiting for?”

\--

“There she is!” Bob exclaimed.

Leslie appeared in front of us, and quickly ran her long legs toward Mikey. His eyes lit up and he didn’t hesitate before wrapping his arms tightly around her and spinning her into a hug. The sun was starting to dim, but you could still see it’s glimmer in her perfectly curled, long hair.

As he began to pull her into a kiss, I diverted my eyes back to Gerard, “Well - it looks like they made up”

He smirked, “About time. The kid was getting pretty annoying about it”

I nodded my head.

I could hear them laughing loudly in the background. It was nice to see Mikey happy - but I couldn’t explain the sense of envy I was feeling.

For the first time in a very long time, I was starting to feel uncomfortable with my own body. I don’t know exactly why - but I think I could pinpoint it’s origin to the way Leslie walked around with such high confidence. Always smiling and easily joining in on every conversation. The way Mikey looked at her, or the way his arms were constantly wrapped around her waist.

And maybe the worst part of it - was watching them stop and exchange kisses.

It reminded me of the way her lips felt; so soft and plump. Mine were pale in comparison - and they felt dry when I rubbed them against each other. It also reminded me to start drinking more water.

However, water wouldn’t change the way my short, stubby thighs felt in comparison to the way her jeans laid tightly against her body - revealing and accentuating each of her lovely curves.

\--

“Hey, you okay?” Gerard asked, snapping me back into reality.

I shrugged, “Yeah - I’m fine. Why?”

“I don’t know” He started, “You got quiet. It’s unlike you”

“Admittedly” I started, “I don’t like fighting for the ability to talk”

He smirked, “She does dominate the conversation a lot, doesn’t she?”

I laughed, “I’m glad I’m not the only one who sees it”

He pulled me into a hug, “You’re the only girl I wanna hear”

I hugged him back and rested my head on his shoulder, “You’re just saying that”

He pulled back, shocked by my words, “I am NOT just saying that”

He grabbed both of my arms, “I told you earlier that this is the happiest I’ve been in a while, and it’s all because of you. You’ve been a light through my dark times”

I smiled and felt my body melting into his grip, “Thank you for saying that”

“You know I love you, right?” Gerard said

_This was it. The first time I'd heard those words fall from his lips. The perfect glue to mend the gap of how we felt for each other. I wanted to hear him say those words 20 more times._

I pulled him back into a hug, “I love you, too”

\--

Eventually, everyone had gone their own way for the night, leaving Gerard and I to drunkenly stumble on a private beach - away from everyone else.

I felt kisses - passionate kisses make their way down my neck.

Aggression left behind little hickeys - love wounds.

We were cuddled close on a rocky beach, enjoying the sounds and smells of the ocean as it rolled in. The dark sky glittered with flecks of tiny little stars. During this time, I stopped worrying about my appearance - because I could tell Gerard liked it.  
He made me feel beautiful - but all I could really think about is the way the moonlight reflected against his eyes.

“I don’t deserve you” I muttered.

His intertwined his fingers with mine, “I don’t deserve you”

I took a deep breath, “You deserve much better”

He gripped my hand tightly, and for a brief moment we exchanged eye contact until Gerard looked away, out into the abyss of darkness that followed the waves.

I remembered the way Gerard always tried to take care of me, and the way he never gave up on me. He was my light in all of this darkness - the one thing causing me to hold on to my own morality. I always wanted to be good for him, and to be good to him.  
And deep down - I felt a sting of regret for the things I hadn’t told him between Mikey and I. However, I knew telling him would only make him feel worse.

Gerard has always been there for me and all of my emotions, and I owed him the world.

“I don’t think so” Gerard mumbled - once again, reeling me back into reality, “I think I’m exactly where I belong. And I’m glad that’s next to you”

I kissed him on the cheek, “What do you say we make our way back to your apartment?”

He smiled at me, and I could see the tired in his eyes, “Five more minutes?”

I laughed, “Okay - Five more minutes”


	16. Beach

_(3 Days Later)_

I woke up to insistent knocking at my door. As I opened it up - in pjs, with unbrushed hair - Mikey and a perfectly done-up Leslie stood before me.

“You wanna join us at the beach today?” Leslie asked

It was too early to deal with this - but for some reason, I accepted.

“Where’s Gerard?” she asked

Mikey quickly cut in, “He’s at work. Don’t you remember why I said we should invite her?”

Leslie smiled, “I thought you just wanted to walk around with a hot girl on each side of you”

I could see Mikey begin to get overwhelmed, and instead I blurted out, “Let me change - I’ll meet you guys downstairs in a few minutes”

As I closed the door, I could still hear them talking - almost arguing about the logistics for today.

\--

“I’m ready” I murmured, walking down the stairs with a back thrown over my shoulder.

Lelie peered up at me, “What’s in the bag?”

“Sunscreen, towels”, I started, my vision turning the other way, “Alcohol”

Mikey raised an eyebrow, “You’re bringing alcohol?”

I nodded my head

“Do you have enough for all of us?” he continued

I eagerly nodded my head. He winked back at me.

“Oh honey” Leslie started, “I wasn’t going to drink. But let the girl drink”

Mikey turned around and started to load things into the car.

“Do you have a swimsuit?” Leslie asked

“Underneath my clothes!” I exclaimed, slightly lifting up my tank top.

She smiled, “Good. I didn’t want to be the only one in the water. Mikey said he didn’t want to”

I jokingly elbowed her as I walked past her, “Don’t listen to everything that idiot says. I bet we can get him in the water”

She perked up and followed my lead, “I like this girl!”

\--

“Finally!” I shouted from the back seat of the car. After twenty minutes of driving around in circles, Mikey had found us a good parking spot.

Everyone started unbuckling their seatbelts, and out of the corner of my eye, I could see Leslie leaning into Mikey for a kiss. It surprised him at first, but he grabbed her back, and continued the kiss with passion.

I wanted to vomit. They still hadn’t moved - and when I looked up, their noses were still pressed close up to each other. Before I could stomach another kiss, I jumped out of the car.

This didn’t phase them - and I swear, an entire 2 more minutes passed before they started to get out of the car. Quickly, their hands were entwined. I was already regretting this beach trip.

Mikey helped carry Leslie’s things, and I slowly dragged my bag down to their spot on the beach, somehow managing to set up with just my two sandy hands.

I could feel the blood boiling in my veins. How could I have allowed myself to agree to something like this? I felt invisible - and through every quick peck on the lips I had to watch, I felt sick to my stomach. It was nice to see Mikey happy, but part of me was fueling with rage - envy, maybe. I wanted to scream at her every time she wrapped her hands around him - but instead, I dug through my backpack and poured myself a drink.

I sat quietly next to her perfectly curved body with my stubby legs, observing more of the conversation than I was taking in. For a few moments they’d be laughing, and the next she’d start picking apart all of Mikey’s words. At one point, she was so upset that Mikey wouldn’t go in the water with her, that she stormed off and jumped in by herself.

I extended my drink toward Mikey, “I don’t think I can handle this much longer”

He quickly grabbed it and took a long swig of it, “You and me both”

“I think I’m going to bail early” I started, “This is so painfully awkward to watch”

He fidgeted with the sand next to him, “You think I can make it better?”

“I think maybe you should go join her in the water, before she has another episode” I laughed

He shrugged, “I don’t want to leave you here”

I grabbed my drink back from him, “I’ll be fine - I have everything I need, right here. You go make things right with her”

He was hesitant at first - but after a few footsteps, his stride turned into a slow run, and I watched him jump behind her and grab her into a hug. Within seconds their lips were locked, and I diverted my vision.

The entire day felt awkward and uncomfortable - why would they want me to come to this? I took another sip of my liquid courage and started walking out toward the road. The boardwalk was within walking distance - and I needed to find another drink to make it through the rest of this night.

Fifteen minutes later, with my shoes full of sand, I stumbled upon a bar. Neither Mikey nor Leslie had noticed my disappearance - and if they did, they hadn’t tried to mediate it with, at the very least, a phone call.

I sat down at the bar and sent a text to Gerard: “SOS. When you’re off work, can you please pick up your drunk girlfriend?”

“Hey there” the Bartender chirped, “What can I get you?”

My eyes peered over to the list of specials, “Something fruity with rum, sounds good”

Gerard responded: “I have about an hour left here, is everything okay?”

A clank of the glass being placed in front of me caused me to divert my focus from my phone. I grabbed for the drunk and lightly mumbled, “Thank you” toward the bartender.

I looked back down at my phone: “Mikey and Leslie brought me to the beach, but now I’m at the boardwalk. I don’t know exactly where they are now, and I’ve been drinking a lot”

He quickly messaged me back: “Shit, I’ll try to swing 30 minutes and meet you there. Which bar?”

I went to take another sip of my drink, but was met with the disappointing sound of bubbling icecubes. The bartender raised his eyebrow at me, “You want another one?”

I nodded my head, “Can you make it any stronger?”

He winked at me and grabbed my glass.

I looked back down at my phone - still no message. Oh shit, I was the one who hadn’t responded yet.

I looked back up at the bartender, “What’s the name of this bar?”

He smirked, “Lou’s”

I picked my phone back up and texted Gerard: “Lou’s”

He pushed the new drink out in front of me, “I may have to cut you off after this last drink”

I pouted out my bottom lip, “Do you have to? It’s my only leverage on sanity right now”

He shrugged, “The state’s got liquor laws, m’am”

“It’s Miranda” I sighed, “But I understand”

He pat a cup with a towel, “Mine’s Nate. Having a rough night there, Miranda?”

I took a deep breath, “Having a rough year, really”

“You wanna talk about it?” he asked

I sat forward, “It’s a long story”

“I got time” he started, “In fact - there isn’t much going on this early in the day anyway”

I took a sip of my drink, “You sure? You’re gonna think I’m crazy by the end of it”

“Shoot” he said, leaning forward on the counter.

I took another sip and then continued, “I came to the beach tonight with Mikey and his girlfriend Leslie. They kind of forgot about me, so here I am”

He raised an eyebrow, “I’m gonna think you’re crazy for that?”

“I haven’t even started the story” I laughed, “Mikey was my child-hood best friend. But it was more than that - he was my first love, or whatever you call it”

“Ah” he started, “I see”

“No, no. There’s much more to it” I took another sip, “He moved away and we lost contact in the middle of everything. Strangest thing happened, years later - I met and became really good friends with this guy named Gerard”

I leaned back, “Well, go figure, Gerard just so happens to be Mikey’s brother. By the time I found out, we’d already developed feelings for each other. So seeing Mikey again really struck a chord with me”

Nate didn’t say anything back, but I could tell by the look on his face that the story was starting to reel him in. I continued, “I couldn’t, for the life of me, justify leaving Gerard after everything we've built together. But the feelings for Mikey never left me either”

I felt my phone vibrate and looked down to a text from Gerard: “I won’t be too much longer. Save me a seat”

“Sorry” I mumbled, and continued the story, “We drink a lot, Mikey kept getting drunk and admitting his feelings to me. A few of the times we were sober. They stung - and I’d be lying if I didn’t feel them back, but we both know they are wrong”

I took the last sip of my drink, “Now he’s with Leslie, and I’m with Gerard. It doesn’t feel good seeing them together, but I know I shouldn’t complain, because I’m really lucky to have Gerard”

“Wow” Nate started, “I think you made the right decision”

I looked up at him, “You think so?”

He grabbed my cup and began to fill it up, “Gerard know about any of this?”

I shook my head in shame, “I don’t have the guts to tell him. You’re the first person I’ve said any of these things to, out loud. I don’t want to push him away”

“Don’t tell him” Nate started, “But don’t play with his head either”

I took a sip of my drink, “I don’t want to. I want to make him happy”

Suddenly, I realized what Nate had done, “I thought you weren’t going to give me another drink?”

He smiled, “Sounds like you needed one. Don’t tell anyone, though”

I heard a light ding, and the sound of a door screeching open. I turned around to a smiling Gerard, who quickly took a seat next to me.

“So, you must be Gerard?” Nate winked at us.

Gerard’s eyes lit up, “Sure am! How’d you know?”

“Well” he started, filling an empty glass with ice cubes, “You seem to have an admirer who wouldn’t stop bringing up your name”

Gerard turned his head toward me and I could feel the blood rush to my cheeks, “You were talking about me?”

I nodded my head, “You roll around in my drunken thoughts from time to time”

A contagious smile filled all of our faces.


	17. Pilot

_Fuck,_ I thought to myself as I opened my eyes to a pounding headache. I tried to will myself back to sleep, but the dizziness only seemed to progress each time I closed my eyes.

After a few minutes of consciousness, I became more aware of my condition. My throat stung with each swallow and my nose was too clogged to breathe in through. Was I really coming down with something on an 85 degree summer day?

With a blanket draped over my shoulders, I hazily made my way down to the kitchen in search of water. Mikey stood over the stove, focused on mixing something until I startled him by clearing my throat. 

As he turned to face me, I noticed his eyes looked tired and bloodshot. Without thinking, I tried to talk, but my voice came out raspy and weak, “Are you sick, too?”

He quickly shook his head and lowered his eyebrows with concern, “No. Are you sick?”

“I don’t know”, I sniffed, “But I feel like hell”

“You and me both”, He muttered, turning back to face the stove, “Not in the same way - but… I think me and Leslie are over. For good this time”

For a brief second, my sinuses felt clear. His words were enough to cure my physical ailments - but only until the next time I swallowed and was reminded of the sting in the back of my throat. 

Trying to hold back the tickle of a cough as I slid a chair out from underneath the island, I blurted out “What do you mean?”

“We’re over”, He tensed up, his body still facing the stove, “We broke up”

Though he was facing the other direction, I could hear him sniffling - and suddenly it dawned on me; his eyes were bloodshot because he’d been crying. The sight of him being so vulnerable made my mind spin even more when I jumped out of bed, and the only thing I could think to do was shed the blanket from over my shoulders and pull him into a hug.

“What happened?” I soothed, tightening my arms around his back.

His tension seemed to relax into my hold as he quietly muttered, “She left me for Frank”

“What?!” I exclaimed, “There’s no way - why would she?”

He wrapped his arms back around me and tried to divert the subject, “Can I get you anything? I feel so bad that you’re not feeling well”

“Really, I’m fine”, I pulled back, “I can’t believe she did that shit to you”

He shrugged and turned back to stir his food, “I think maybe it’s for the best. It never felt right with her, like I could never get comfortable, but I always wanted to”

“I have to admit”, I started, “Seeing you two together looked uncomfortable”

“I always kinda thought she was into Frank, but”, He took a deep breath, “I thought she chose me in the end”

It felt hard to look back up at him - like staring at a car crash. I wanted to say the right thing, but I didn’t know where to begin. The only words that could fall out of my mouth were, “It sounds like you’re better off”

“Yeah”, He mumbled under his breath, “Better off dead”

* * *

After that morning, Mikey’s attitude toward me started to change. It felt like nothing bad had ever happened between us - in just a few minutes, we’d restored our best-friendship, as there was no-one to get in between us. 

Gerard was slammed at work, leaving Mikey and me alone to bum out in front of the tv for the rest of the day. My body was too weak to do anything else, and by the time Gerard came home, I was already fast asleep on the couch. 

Gerard was careful not to wake me after hearing of my condition, and even more careful in the morning. It wasn’t until noon that Mikey shook me awake.

“I wanted to make sure you weren’t dead”, He laughed, “How are you feeling this morning?”

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath in - still groggy and congested, “Fine. But I want to go back to sleep…”

“Aw”, He laughed, “Your voice still sounds sick. It’s so cute”

Even though he was kidding, my stomach still shot up with butterflies. I turned to my side and pulled the blanket over my eyes, “Stop. How could you even call this cute?”

“Just is”, He smirked, “What are your plans for today?”

I closed my eyes and curled my body into a ball, “Sleep. Not leave this couch”

“When you’re feeling up to it”, He started, plopping down on the couch by my feet, “Do you want to go for a drive? Maybe some fresh air will make you feel better”

“Would that even be fun?” I groaned, still irritated that he woke me up from my slumber.

“Oh yeah”, He started, “We can stop at all of those stupid mom-and-pop shops along the way or just take in all of the scenic views of New Jersey. Laugh at all of the weirdly constructed houses, admire the ones we’ll never be able to afford. Maybe we can even stop for lunch, or just go through a drive through if you don’t want leave the car”

“Fine”, I sighed, “But just let me sleep for a little bit longer”

“Good”, He pat the couch before hopping off of it, “Then I get to listen to that stupidly cute sick voice of yours”

\--

Mikey was right - it was a lot of fun. Even though I felt like death, the fresh air seemed to help my breath better. As we drove, I was in awe as the climate changed drastically from beaten down urban communities to miles of coastline with the backdrop of city views. 

It was an escape I needed, but one that Mikey probably needed more. I knew losing Leslie was a big deal to him, and he craved something to occupy his mind.

“Have you talked to her?” I blurted out, breaking his silence.

He briefly darted his eyes over to me in confusion, “Leslie?”

“Oh yeah”, He smirked, “She’s been texting me this morning like nothing happened, I think she just wants the attention”

I cleared my throat, “Do you want to, um, talk about it at all?”

“I don’t know if there’s any more to talk about”, He laughed, “More I think about it, the more I realize I was never truly happy with her”

“She was really pretty”, I started, “And I know you really liked her. Don’t be afraid to talk about it, if you need to”

He bit his lip and smiled, “She was alright. You’re prettier”

I could feel the blood rush to my cheeks.  _ He was diverting by flirting with me, and as much as it sent fluttering butterflies to the pit of my stomach, I knew it would be immoral to play along. _

“Well, you were right about this drive!” I changed the topic, “I don’t think I’ve ever been to this part of New Jersey before”

He rolled his eyes and laughed to himself, more aware of my reaction than I could admit to myself. 

“Right?” He smirked, “Fresh air and scenic views are always the perfect remedy, no matter the ailment”


	18. Contagious

“I can’t wait to have a day off”, Gerard whined as he struggled to silence the alarm on his phone, “I don’t want to go to work”

I snuggled up closer to him, pinning him lightly as I laid my head on his chest, “Do you have to?”

“I do”, He groaned, leaning down to place a kiss on the side of my cheek as he sat up, “But this weekend, I’m taking you out on a date”

I mimicked his actions, quivering my arms into a stretch above my head as I leaned up and inevitably returned a kiss on his lips, “That better be a promise”

“Oh, a promise it is”, He murmured before pressing his lips back against mine. Somehow, he managed to slide his fingers through my hair and grip the back of my neck before throwing me back down against the bed. With our lips glued, he hovered over me, swaying his body up and down against mine.

“That better be a promise”, I muttered between kisses. 

He broke away, licking his lips as he slowly crawled out of bed, “It’s a promise, sugar”

_ Sugar. I could almost feel my heart jump out of my chest, but the good feeling felt undermined by a jolt of guilt. As much as I craved the taste of his saliva, I was looking forward to his absence - another day I could spend alone with Mikey. _

Gerard shot me one last wink before disappearing into the hallway to take a shower, and I quickly scooted my way down to the kitchen to surprise him with a cup of coffee. It was early for me, but I was feeling awake - and much better than I had all week. 

As I shook the last remaining beans over the coffee filter, I heard footsteps creep their way down the stairs. 

“You got ready fast”, I exclaimed, pressing the ON button before turning to face a half-awake Mikey.

“Sorry”, I muttered, “Thought you were Gerard”

He rolled his eyes and shot me a sarcastic, “If only I could be so lucky”

_ His voice sounded raw and nasally.  _

“Uh oh”, I stopped in my tracks, “Either you’re really tired, or the sound of my sick voice was contagious”

He relaxed his body into a chair, shooting me a deafening stare as he murmured, “Is it as cute as yours?”

I swallowed hard.  _ Cute? _

Although I didn’t want to admit it, my silence spoke volumes. I quickly diverted, sticking my tongue out at him before turning around to focus on making Gerard coffee. 

_ It was adorable. _

I could hear him let out a chuckle to himself - and even though I wasn’t facing him, I could already picture his sheepish grin growing ear to ear.

\--

Gerard’s cologne filled my nostrils before he walked through the kitchen door - and he was quick to interrupt my conversation with a kiss on the cheek. 

“I made you coffee!” I exclaimed, excitedly pointing to the coffee machine, “And I already have your favorite mug waiting for you”

_ Seeing him in business attire was a rare treat. _

“You are an angel” he exclaimed, “Thank you”

“Gross”, Mikey sniffed, “Your lovey dovey shit is disgusting”

Gerard’s focus shifted back to Mikey, “Why are you even awake, Mikey? Go back to sleep”

“I can’t sleep”, Mikey groaned, “I feel like shit. Someone got me sick”

I could feel the blood rushing to my cheeks.  _ It sounded worse than it was, if you could call it that.  _

Quickly, I interrupted him to steal Gerard’s focus, “Your coffee’s ready!”

_ I could see the discomfort in Gerard’s eyes. He knew I was close with Mikey, but it was as if he could see something even I didn’t want to admit.  _

However, Gerard wasn’t malicious. Aside from the glimmer of jealousy in his eyes, he did his best to shake off his uneasy demeanor and play along, “Thanks - just don’t let Mikey breathe near it”

“Ha!” Mikey exclaimed, “You’ve been sleeping next to the source, you’re probably already infected”

Gerard crossed his arms, and through a smug smile he laughed, “With this immune system? I don’t think so!”

_ I took a deep breath of relief. Mikey picked up on Gerard’s jealousy and quickly swayed the conversation to make Gerard feel in control.  _

_ All three of us in the same room, joking around with each other - I wanted moments like this forever. _

But,  _ of course,  _ this moment was only temporary. Time was escaping us, and as the clock crept closer to seven forty-five, Gerard rushed to chug every last drop of his coffee before leaving us for work.

* * *

“You could at least keep me company” Mikey choked out, as he watched me fumble up the staircase, “You owe me that much after giving me your stupid cold”

I rolled my eyes and turned back toward him, “You want to go on another drive?”

He sniffed and shook his head, “I don’t even want to leave this couch”

I stepped back down and made my way toward the couch, “Are we watching a movie, or are you going to talk my ear off the whole time?”

He pouted his bottom lip, “I’ll keep quiet”

_Stop looking so adorable._

I shook my head and plopped down next to him, “I guess I’ll make an exception, just this once, because you aren’t feeling good”

His face lit up, “Now that's the kind of company I was looking for”

\--

Mikey pulled on the blanket we were sharing, exposing part of my arm to the cold air.

“Hey!”, I joked, “Quit being a blanket thief”

“Sorry” he lightly moaned. 

Within the first hour, Mikey stopped talking and started paying more attention to the movie. _He sounded out of it._

I looked over at him and noticed he had curled up with the blanket draping over his shoulders. His nose looked irritated red, and he was having a hard time keeping his eyes open. 

_Absolutely adorable._

I felt bad for him and tucked the rest of my portion around his legs. As I stood up to grab myself a different blanket, he opened his eyes and managed to choke out a “Where are you going?”

I laughed, “To get another blanket, because you stole the one I was using”

“Well hurry back” he begged, “You were keeping me warm”

I quickly grabbed the blanket and sat back down next to him. He was visibly shivering, so I threw the end of my new blanket toward him. Instead, he lifted both of the blankets, and draped them over both of us as he cuddled into my shoulder. I could tell his cold was completely overtaking him. I put my arm around him and rubbed at his back.

After a few minutes, he stopped shivering and his breathing felt deeper. 

_He’d fallen asleep on my shoulder._

I smirked to myself and let my head rest against his. 

* * *

I could hear the front door begin to jiggle open and quickly jumped to the other side of the couch. 

_What was I doing? Friends don't just cuddle... do they?_

Mikey's body started to fall in the direction my shoulder once was, causing him to quickly open his eyes in shock. 

"You two stay in your pjs all day?" Gerard laughed, locking the door behind him.

Trying to hide my anxiety, I stood up and walked toward Gerard, "What better way to spend the day?"

He smiled at me and wrapped his arms around my waist, "I kind of want to join you guys"

Mikey leaned his head back in the couch, "I think I just want to go back to sleep"

Gerard kissed me on the cheek and released his grip around me, "I'll be back. I'm putting on pjs, too"

I extended my hand toward Mikey, "You need help getting up?"

He opened his eyes and hazily grabbed for my hand, giving minimal effort toward pulling himself up. Once he was standing, I slid my hand behind his back and helped him navigate the stairs. 

As I tucked him into his bed, he looked up at me and incoherently muttered, "Can't you stay?"

I shook my head and laughed, "You know I can't"

He pouted his lips at me, "But I'm still cold"

I pulled his blanket higher over his arms and kissed him on the forehead, "Get some sleep, Mikey. You'll feel better when you wake up"


	19. Chapter 19

( _Three days later)_

“Hey guys!” Mikey exclaimed, “What’s going on?”

This first thing I noticed; his voice was back to normal. I set my cup of coffee down on the kitchen island and turned to him "Looks like someone's finally feeling better"

"I've been on my death bed, Mir" he muttered, continuing on to take an exaggerated breath in, "And look - I can breath again. I've never felt better"

Gerard finally lifted his focus from cooking and turned to face Mikey, "Just in time. What do you want in your pancakes?

"Plain is fine" Mikey declared, as he sat down next to me at the kitchen island.

I swallowed a sip of coffee and turned to Mikey, "Plain? Man, you're boring"

He scrunched his nose and stuck out his tongue toward me. I playfully pushed him away.

"So" Mikey chirped, "What are we doing today?

Gerard shrugged, "I hadn't thought that far ahead"

"Let's have one of our famous bonfires" he started, "I want to see a million people tonight"

I held tightly to my coffee, "Mikey - It's just too early for all of this energy"

"C'mon, Mir!" he jokingly shook at my shoulder, "Wake up! Have fun with me!

I rolled my eyes, "I'm awake. Now leave me alone to finish my coffee"

He laughed and jokingly turned toward Gerard, "Can you please tell your girlfriend to pay attention to me?"

Without hesitation, Gerard yelled, "Miranda!"

I sat up, "Yes, Gerard?"

“Whatever you do” He started, a smirk growing on his face, “Do not pay attention to Mikey Way”

I saluted my fingers toward him, “Aye, aye, captain”

Mikey jokingly pouted his lips at me. I diverted my attention back to my mug of coffee. As I took a sip, I thought to myself: _I need to stop thinking about how cute Mikey is when he's happy._

And then Gerard turned around - cast iron pan in one hand, and a spatula in the other, ready to place two delicious looking chocolate chip pancakes on my plate. He winked at me as he pushed them on to my plate. My insides automatically melted at the sight of his eyes. 

Why, then, is my story so simple: Two brothers, adorable, incredible, and with each very different personalities... tormenting me daily, because honestly... I'm in love with both of them.


	20. Displaced Jealousy

“Is she coming tonight?” I asked Mikey.

He rolled his eyes, “She is. So is frank”

“You mean…” I started, diverting my eyes toward him, “They’re coming together?”

He nodded his head and I could see the anger in his eyes. We were on our way back from picking up marshmallows and alcohol for the bonfire, and Gerard was at home, overlooking the house full of people Mikey had eagerly invited in.

“Why’d you invite them?” I asked

He shrugged, “Frank’s been my friend forever. Leslie’s always been around. I’m not going to split up the group over a stupid break up”

“Fair enough” I started, “You think you’re gonna be okay, though?”

He laughed, “What’s with you always asking if I’m okay?”

“I care about you, Mikey” I smirked and sarcastically added, “But - I don’t have to. If you don’t want me to”

He was now trying to hold back a smile on his face, “I’ll be fine”

I crossed my arms and sat back in my chair. We were getting closer to his street, and I could already see the road was lined with cars.

“Thank you though, really” he added, “I’ll be fine as long as you stick by my side tonight”

I laughed to myself, “I can try”

* * *

As we inched up closer, I could see the silhouette of Gerard sitting on the front steps - a cigarette in one hand, and a bottle of alcohol in the other. As we got out of Mikey’s car, Gerard eagerly stood up, dropping his cigarette onto an ash-tray beside him.

“There the fuck you guys are” he yelled, “Left me alone to drown at this party full of people”

I ran up to him and pecked him on the lips. As I went to pull away, he stopped me by tightening his arms around me.

“Where do you think you’re going, beautiful?” He whispered and planted another kiss on my lips, “I’ve missed you the whole night”

I could tell he was already drunk. I kissed him once more on the cheek and managed to pull away this time. I looked back at Mikey, who was already unloading things from the trunk.

“Shit” I started, “I should probably help him”

Gerard took a swig of his drink and winked at me, “I’ll be right here, when you’re done, sugar”

\--

“Oh, great” Mikey moaned, as he set the bags on the kitchen island, “They’re already here”

I looked out into the hallway, and could fully see Leslie and Frankie leaning towards each other, amongst a crowd of people.

“Gross” I muttered, cracking open a can of beer, “Think they can see us?”

He shook his head, “What does it matter?”

I took a sip of my drink and smiled at him, “Want to make them jealous?”

His lips formed a straight line and his eyebrows scrunched in confusion, “What do you mean?”

I grabbed his wrist and led him out toward the hallway. I could feel their attention divert toward us and leaned into Mikey, “Just follow my lead”

I put my hand on his shoulder, and let out a laugh, loudly exclaiming, “Oh Mikey - You’re so funny”

His eyes were still wide with hesitation, but he managed to fake a smile back at me. Leslie was now fully facing us; her eyes glared over with envy.

I leaned into him and whispered into his ear, “She’s looking at you”

His cheeks turned red, and he whispered back to me, “I think it’s working”

I let my hand trail down his shoulder, “Of course it is”

My arm fell back to my side, and winked at him as I walked back toward the kitchen. I laughed to myself, as I peered back at Mikey. Leslie was now standing next to him and Frankie had disappeared into the abyss of people.

However - as I turned my head back toward the kitchen, I was met with an unfortunate fate. Gerard stood against the wall, his arms crossed, his eyebrows lowered, and his mouth open in awe.

“What the fuck was that?” He mumbled.


	21. You Can't Touch My Brother

“I-” I started, my breathing getting heavy, “It’s not what it looks like”

His eyes looked lifeless and mine immediately filled with tears. I’d never seen Gerard like this before - we’d almost never fought. I could taste the irony; a glimpse into the truth I’d been hiding from him for so long.

“Gerard, please” I begged, “Believe me. It’s not what you think it was”

I didn’t know how to find the words now. I was starting to hyperventilate. It was a ploy to make Leslie jealous, not the flirtatious moment it appeared to be. But I couldn’t verbalize that through my panic attack.

He was shaking his head now, loudly yelling the words, “My brother? How long has this been going on for?”

I closed my eyes shut and could feel the tears dripping down my cheeks. Between breaths, I managed to make out the words, “It hasn’t”

Partially a lie, but he didn’t need to know the depth underneath this single instance. 

“Don’t lie to me” he yelled, “I saw you, with my own eyes”

I was shaking now - trembling. The room was spinning and I could feel my throat gasping for air. It didn’t take long for Mikey to storm into the room and save me from my own demise.

“What the hell is going on?” Mikey exclaimed.

Gerard’s facial expression dropped and he got close to Mikey’s face, “I fucking caught you both”

“You didn’t catch shit” Mikey yelled back, his nostrils flaring with anger, “Get away from me”

“I’ve always known there was something between you two” Gerard yelled, pushing Mikey at the chest, “But I didn’t want to think my own brother, or the girl I loved would do something like that to me”

Mikey pushed him back, “We weren’t doing anything. Maybe you should listen to your fucking girlfriend before you make her cry like this. She was just pretending for me, to make Leslie jealous. Something I probably shouldn’t have let her do”

“Bullshit” Gerard yelled, stumbling back over to Mikey and pushing him back.

“Get your drunk ass the fuck off of me” Mikey yelled, “I’m telling you the truth and so is she. Maybe you should fucking listen”

Gerard closed his eyes for a second, taking in a deep breath of air, before he charged Mikey to the floor. I quickly ran over and pulled at the back of his shirt. He released his grip on Mikey and stood up to face me. 

“Do not” he started, his breathing visibly faster as his chest rose with every breath, “Fucking touch me”

I stepped back and time seemed to stop as we shared a second of eye contact. I was frozen with fear - right now, he terrified me and I could see him realizing it. His posture seemed to sink toward the floor with regret, and he quickly stumbled out of the kitchen.

I ran over to Mikey and extended my arm out to him. He grabbed it and I helped levy him up.

“Don’t ask if I’m okay” Mikey started, pulling me into a hug, “I’m asking if you’re okay”

I couldn’t stop myself from bursting into tears into his chest. He pat at my back and tightened his grip around me, “It’s all my fault and I’m so sorry”

“Let’s get you out of here” Mikey said in a gentle tone, rubbing my back as he continued to hold me in a hug.

I tried to take a deep breath but was overcome with another hyperventilation. I pulled my head back and nodded my head, “Please. Get me away from here”

* * *

I had a sinking feeling in my chest; it felt like my insides were numb with pins and needles, crippled by my anxiety. Mikey’s arms were wrapped around me as we sat on his bed, and although I didn’t want him to see me cry, I couldn’t hold it back. He was calming me a little, but I couldn’t shake the feeling of guilt and remorse toward Gerard. 

Seeing him so angry frightened me, and I feared his reaction if ever found out the truth. For now, I felt safe in Mikey’s arms, but I longed to be in Gerard’s. My stomach turned every time I thought of the pain in Gerard’s eyes. I didn’t want it to be the end.

“Talk to me, Mir” Mikey said in a calming voice, “Tell me what I can do to cheer you up”

I buried my head deeper into his chest, and through tears managed to make out the words, “I can’t”

He rested his head into me and rubbed at my back, “I hate to see you like this”

His shirt was starting to feel wet from my tears, but I didn’t want to move my body. I was too drained; too upset. My body yearned for human affection.

“Thank you” I started, pausing to breathe in a gasp of air, “For standing up for me”

He kissed me on the top of the head and brushed his fingers through my hair, “You know I’ll always have your back”

“I think I should go back to my apartment tonight” I muttered, “Gerard probably doesn’t want me around”

“You want me to walk you back there?” he asked.

My breathing began to calm down, but the sinking feeling in my chest only got worse. It’d been a long time since I’d been home and in solidarity. I was so used to being surrounded by the Way brothers that I’d forgotten how it felt to be alone.

I burst back out into tears at the idea of him leaving me there. Was this the end of everything we’d created? All of the mornings me and Gerard would make breakfast together, and all of the afternoons me and Mikey would spend laughing on the couch. 

“Yeah” I mumbled, wiping my eyes with the back of my hand, “But I don’t want to make you miss the party”

“It’s not a party if you’re not there” he started, “And I have to make sure you are safe”


	22. Where is she?

_ (Told without a POV) _

Gerard rubbed the crusties out of his eyes as he stepped out of bed. His head was pounding - the night felt like a blur. As he opened his bedroom door he was greeted with a mess; empty bottles and trash spread all over the floor. 

The guest room door was left wide open. As he inched toward it, he noticed it was empty. The sheets were made and all of Miranda’s bags were missing. He took a deep breath and stabilized himself against the side of the wall - memories of the night before flooding back to him. 

Desperate and in search of Miranda, he flung open Mikey’s door - causing Mikey to wake up and sit straight up in his bed.

“What the hell?” Mikey yelled.

Gerard started to breathe heavy, “Where is she?”

Mikey yawned and turned to face Gerard, “You mean Miranda?”

Gerard nodded his head and repeated, “Where is she?”

“You pushed her away” Mikey started, “She went home”

Gerard desperately rubbed his hands through his hair as he paced between the hall and Mikey’s bedroom, “What do you mean she went home? This is her home!”

Mikey sat at the end of his bed, “I don’t know what to tell you. You weren’t nice to me either last night”

Gerard stopped and looked toward Mikey, “You were all over my girl”

Mikey rolled his eyes and shook his head, “I told you to take a second and listen, but you still won’t do that”

“How are you going to play this one off?” Gerard manically laughed to himself, “I saw it, I should have known this would happen. I see the way you two look at each other”

“She was ACTING to get Leslie to notice me” Mikey yelled, “There was never anything going on between me and her. I’m telling you the truth, I mean it”

Gerard’s arms shrunk to his sides, “But you’ve always wanted her, haven’t you?”

“So what if I have?” Mikey started, “She’s yours, and I wouldn’t get in the middle of that. She loves you”

Gerard squinted his eyes, “So - you admit, you want to be with Miranda?”

“Look, I’m not going to lie to you” Mikey sighed, “There were feelings there. The girl was my first love”

Gerard took a deep breath in, grunting in anger as he breathed out.

“But I wouldn’t do that to you, and she wouldn’t either” Mikey continued, “You should to fucking trust her, or trust me”

Gerard stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind him. Mikey stood up in a rage and followed him out.

“So you’re going to treat me like garbage because I told you the truth?” Mikey yelled, causing Gerard to stop in his tracks, “You can dig yourself your own grave, or you can climb your way out with a fucking apology”

“How do I know I can trust either of you?” Gerard yelled back

“I’m your BROTHER” Mikey yelled, “You know me. You know Miranda. You’re losing your mind”

“And now you’re saying you have fucking feelings for my girlfriend?” Gerard continued to yell.

“Is she still your girlfriend, Gerard?” Mikey cut in

“She - I” Gerard shook his head, “So is she yours now?”

Mikey laughed, “No. I took her home after you attacked me and I tried to console her after she spent the whole night crying over you”

“And you left her alone?” Gerard yelled, becoming more frantic, “After what she did to herself?”

Mikey’s facial expression changed to one of fear. He quickly grabbed for his phone and started to call Miranda. Gerard stumbled down the stairs and quickly grabbed for his keys before running to his car.


	23. Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Keynote: I realize I haven’t mentioned this anywhere, but this story is a rewrite of a fanfiction I started on quizilla in 2005. The original fanfiction was around 70 chapters and it was never finished. To this day, I have no idea where I’m going to be taking it. I started rewriting it and decided to take it in a very different direction. If you have made it this far, thank you for taking the time to read these.

_(Miranda’s POV)_

I opened my puffy eyes to the repetitive ding of my doorbell. I was laying in yesterday’s clothes, on my couch; right where Mikey left me. Memories from last night came flooding back to me like a bad dream and I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to fend off the growing headache.

As I opened them again, the air stung my eyes and I felt like crying again. I could hear my phone vibrating on the table and peered over to 3 missed calls from Mikey. The sound of my doorbell changed to loud knocking, and I could faintly hear someone yelling my name. 

Mikey started calling again, this time I answered with a hazy, “Is that you outside my door?”

“No” he responded, and I could hear the concern in his voice, “It’s probably Gerard. I just wanted to make sure you were still okay”

I stood up and cleared my throat, “Why would Gerard be here?”

“He just freaked out at me and brought up the idea of you”, his voice trailed off and he paused for a second, before trying to redeem himself with, “Well - after what happened before, we were afraid you might have…”

“No” I interrupted, slightly offended by his insinuation that I couldn’t be left alone, “I was just sleeping. I feel like shit, but I didn’t hurt myself”

“Good” he muttered, taking a deep breath of relief, “I’m glad to hear that”

I looked out the peephole of my door and could see the silhouette of a desperate Gerard - also in yesterday’s clothing, breathing heavy and trying to peer in through my front window. 

“Well” I mumbled, placing my hand on the door handle, “I should probably prove to Gerard that I’m not dead. Thank you for calling”

“Of course” he started, “Call back if you need anything”

“I will” I whispered, as I ended the call and fully turned the door handle open.

As I opened the door, the sight of me caused Gerard to fall to his knees. As he lifted his head back up towards me, I could see that I wasn’t the only one who had been crying. 

“I thought you were dead” he yelled, attempting to catch up with his own breath.

I extended my hand out to him and nervously looked both ways behind him, “Come inside. I don’t want to freak my neighbors out anymore than I already have”

He grabbed my hand and stumbled into my apartment. As I closed the door behind him, he blurted out, “We can’t let you live here, MIranda. You have to come back and live with us”

I lowered my eyebrows and shot him a look of disgust, “You expect me to come back after last night?”

“I can’t leave you alone” He started, tears falling from the corner of his eyes, “I couldn’t live with myself if anything happened to you”

I crossed my arms, “I’m alive and I can take care of myself. Nothing is going to happen to me”

He walked up closer to me and touched my arm, “I forgive you for last night-”

I pulled my arm away and stepped back, cutting him off with, “You forgive me? I’m still waiting for an apology from you”

He chewed at his bottom lip - presumably trying to find the correct words, or possibly holding back repressed anger. 

Deep down, I wanted to leave my apartment and continue my life with him and Mikey. This place suffocated me with bad memories. His house felt like home.

“I think we need some time to ourselves” I muttered, “Some time without each other”

His eyes widened with fear, “I don’t want that. Did you stop loving me?”

I looked down at my feet. _I didn’t want to be without him._

“Tell me” he continued, “Tell me that you don’t love me anymore”

I shook my head, tears resurfacing at my eyes, “You know I can’t tell you that. But you don’t trust me anymore, so what’s the point?”

“Just come back home” he started, his eyes glaring around the almost vacant apartment, “I’ll give you some time, if it’s what you need”

I slid down onto the couch and tried to position my lips into a smile, but they quickly fell flat. As I swallowed, I could feel a lump in my throat returning and I desperately tried to hold back the tears welling up in the corner of my eyes. _Did I really want him to give me some time?_

His eyes met mine for a brief second as I tried to fill the silence with words, but instead, the only thing that could come out of my mouth was a stutter of a breath. I quickly threw my hands over my face in an attempt to hide the inevitable waterworks.

In a calm voice, he muttered my name “Miranda…” but his voice trailed off. 

Neither of us knew what to do and it felt unsettling. By now I was sobbing - an emotional wreck, unable to breathe in through my nose and struggling gasp in a quick enough breath of air. I leaned back into the couch and buried my head into a pillow that lightly smelled of Mikey’s cologne. 

Normally that scent would calm me down, but right now it only served as a reminder of the things Gerard didn’t know about. _I could never tell him the truth about my penitence._

I could feel my body curling up into a ball. I was losing my sanity - the walls felt like they were closing in around me. I felt like a coward. Another panic attack, but this time the assailant was staring me in the face, and I didn’t want him to go. 

The touch of his hand resting on my ankle brought me back to reality. It jolted my body suddenly but then caused it to relax. _I needed his touch._

“I’m here, sugar” he soothed, rubbing his hand up and down my leg. 

With one last, quivering breath in, I released my vulnerabilities and succumbed into his forgiving arms. He tightened his grip around me and leaned his head into mine, muttering the words “It’s okay” and “I have you”.

The unsettling feeling in my chest was starting to dissolve and I could feel my breathing return to normal. In this moment, Gerard was the only thing that mattered to me. I couldn’t grasp the concept of being without him - being in his arms felt like the only thing that was right.

“You still want some time apart?” he asked.

Through tears, I burst out into laughter and shook my head. _Was I that obvious?_

He kissed top of my head and let out a laugh, “I didn’t think so. Now how can we fix this?”

“For starters” I murmured, “Don’t let go of me”

He squeezed me, “I wouldn’t dream of it”

* * *

_(Timeline: Midnight)_

I ran inside quickly, with achy arms from moving my heavy bags. Gerard had spent the rest of the day with me, helping me pack out of my apartment. As I walked through his big, white front door, I was greeted by a familiar scent of stale laundry and undertones of teakwood (from both of the Way’s choices in cologne). It was a weird mixture, but the scent made me feel like I was home.

I noticed the living room was still trashed with empty bottles and plates from the night before. Briefly, I felt haunted by the ghosts of our argument. Since I’d walked out those doors, re-entering made me feel nostalgic for even very recent memories. 

I could still hear the jingle of Gerard’s keys locking the door behind us. Suddenly, my wrists gave out - causing me to release my tight grip on my bag and drop it beside my feet. Instead of picking it up, my focus diverted to Mikey - who stood mid-way down the stairs, frozen in shock by the sight of me. He quickly jumped down the rest of them and ran toward me - full force, barely knocking me down into a hug.

“You’re back” he exclaimed, “Aw - and you’re smiling. This place has felt so empty without you”

Gerard placed his keys on the entry-way table and grimaced at the sight of Mikey. I anticipated him to have a larger reaction (after his actions last night), but he left me with silence.

“Well” I started, theatrically throwing my fingers into the air towards Mikey, “I’m back!”

Gerard made it clear that he didn’t want to be part of the conversation by letting out an exaggerated moan, as he picked up the bag beside me and threw it over his shoulder. The stillness was unsettling, but I couldn’t fully blame him. 

I kissed Gerard on the cheek, and followed up with a, “Thank you for getting my bag”

“It’s heavy” he mumbled, “Let’s get this all to you room so we can go to sleep”

Gerard stormed up to the bedroom with his hands full of bags, and Mikey helped me bring up the rest. 

“You packed pretty heavy this time, Mir” Mikey laughed, “You plan on staying for longer?”

“The guest room is now Miranda’s room” Gerard blurted out, “She’s going to sell her apartment”

“Are you sure about this, Gee?” I asked, my eyes large with excitement.

“You know” he started, intertwining his fingers with mine, “My home is your home.”

Mikay flinched at the sight of our compassion and inched his way out of my room. It was still unclear to me if Gerard and Mikey were on good terms after what had happened - but seeing them tolerate each other felt like a step in the right direction. 

Soon, Mikey was nowhere in sight, and I slid my way over to (my) bedroom door - forcing it shut with the side of my arm. I turned back at Gerard, who was now unloading the contents of a bag on the top of (my) bed.

“I don’t like fighting with you” I started, “I still don’t feel right from it”

He stopped unpacking and switched his focus to me, “I don’t like it, either”

I fidgeted with the sleeves of my sweatshirt, “How do we fix this?”

He shrugged, “Just give it time?”

“Alright” I mumbled, “It feels good to be back here, anyway”

He opened his mouth as if he were going to speak, but quickly shook his head and turned back toward the contents on my bed. 

I walked closer to him, “What is it?”

“It’s just” he started, his voice trailing off, “Mikey said something to me earlier”

I felt a pit in my stomach, “What did he say?”

Gerard turned back toward me, “That he still has feelings for you”

I bit my lip. I could feel his eyes glued to my every movement - trying to get a gauge on my reaction. I tried to shrug it off, “Well that’s a little weird. He said that?”

“Yes” he started, “Look - I’m not an idiot. You feel the same about him, don’t you?”

“No”, I grabbed his arm, “Gerard, I only have feelings for you”

He continued to look at me - as if he was trying to scan my eyes for any form of deceit. I had to keep it all in; the guilt, the lies, the feelings, and most importantly - the memory of how Mikey’s arms felt when they were wrapped around me. 

“Are you sure about that?” He asked - his eyes squinting now.

“How can you ask me this?” I flinched, “Are you still fixated on last night?”

He looked back at my bed and resumed touching my things, “I just wanted to make sure”

I gently placed my hand on his arm, “I want you, Gerard”

He leaned in to me, “I hope so”

“Believe me when I say this” I whispered, sliding my other arm around him and pulling him into a hug from behind, “I love you”

“I love you, too” he said, turning his body to face me, “I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s gotten into me lately”

I kissed him on the cheek, “I think you just wanted to hear me say that I love you”

He pressed his nose up against mine and I could feel our lips brush for a second. I could feel his warm breath against my cheeks as he whispered the words, “I think so, too”

  
  



	24. Tension

The following morning started off like an average Saturday; Gerard hovered over the stove as he cooked us breakfast, while I sat across from him at the kitchen island, talking his ear off and drinking coffee.

Well, _attempting to drink coffee_ should have been the proper term - because at one point, I almost spit it out from laughing so hard. It was almost as if our fight had made us closer, and he had forgiven me for all of my wrongdoings.

That was - until Mikey stepped foot into the kitchen.

Our conversation plummeted to a drastic halt and the air in the room felt thicker. Suddenly, I didn’t have to wonder where their relationship stood anymore - it was clear that Mikey and Gerard weren’t on good terms. 

Mikey picked up on the newfound tension, but still grabbed a mug of coffee and eased himself into the seat next to me. 

“Morning”, Mikey mumbled, his voice groggy from just waking up.

I took a sip of my coffee and nodded my head at him, “Morning”.

Gerard kept obviously peering over at us from the side of his shoulder, as if he was on the verge of catching us doing something stupid right in front of him. It now dawned on me that rebuilding Gerard’s trust was going to be harder than I’d imagined. 

But - _I wanted to win his trust back._

I finished the last sip of my coffee and stood up, stretching my arms in the air dramatically before making my way over to the sink. I let my mug clunk under the water and quickly made my way behind Gerard, surprising him with a tight hug and an overwhelming amount of kisses to his neck.

His lips curled up into a side smile as he muttered, “Well, hello there”

I leaned my back against the counters, with my body still close to Gerard. I looked back at Mikey - although, I really didn’t have to. I could already picture the look of disgust on his face after witnessing this display. 

It was until right now, that I’d began to realize how sweet Mikey was to me in the middle of my break down. _How he’d always held it together and tried to impress me, regardless of the consequences._

“What?” Mikey groaned.

 _He’d caught me staring at him._ I could feel the blood rushing to my cheeks and quickly tried to divert my eyes. 

“Nothing” I muttered, “I wasn’t even thinking. I was just staring off into the distance”

“Okay” he sighed, standing up and lightly tapping on the counter-top, “I can feel when I’m not wanted. I’ll leave you to be”

_For the first time, in a long time, Mikey couldn’t read my mind._

“Wait” I shouted, “Don’t go, it’s not like that”

Gerard curiously turned to face me. I widened my eyes and shot him a death glare.

“We want you here, Mikey” Gerard choked out. 

_It worked._

Mikey uncomfortably sank down into his seat. 

_He was trapped. If I were him, I’d want to run away from this, too._

“Gerard’s making bacon and eggs” I started, lightly elbowing Gerard from the side, “And he’s making enough for all of us”

Mikey awkward licked his lips and nodded his head, “Great”

* * *

The day progressed like this - awkward. 

It was almost as if Gerard was purposely trying to make Mikey feel excluded, and I had to continuously play the role of a mediator. 

Around noon time, we were saved by knocking at the door. For the first time since I’d moved in, the band was going to practice. 

It was intimidating seeing Frank and Ray stumble in with their equipment and drag it down the stairs. _I’d wanted to see them play, but the day already felt so uncomfortable._

I followed them down to the basement and was greeted by it’s aroma of dust. 

“You guys ready?” Gerard muttered as he switched on the microphone - followed by a loud squeal from his amp.

“For fucks sake!” Frankie screamed as he pressed the palms of his hands against his ears, “Make it stop!”

Gerard anxiously stumbled through the switches until the noise subsided. I couldn’t stop my eyes from peering over at the boxes messily stacked behind Ray - _I wanted to forget about their contents._

_But I couldn’t, especially not with Mikey standing to the left of them, gripping his bass._

Gerard played the role of a confident lead singer with ease, but watching Mikey strum his bass felt strange. It was as if he was stepping out of his normal exterior and into one that looked so -

_Miranda! Don’t think it. Gerard is standing right in front of you._

Suddenly - my thoughts were cut short by Gerard’s voice, “Late dawns and early sunsets, just like my favorite scenes…”

“Wait” Ray blurted out, stopping Gerard from finishing his melody, “Let’s try that again - but let the instruments start”

Gerard pushed his long, dark hair out of his eyes and winked back at Ray, “Okay”

Together, in unison, they started to play a beautiful symphony. After a few seconds, Gerard joined back in, repeating the line, “Late dawns and early sunsets, just like my favorite scenes…”

_Holy shit._

“Then holding hands and life was perfect” Gerard sang, “Just like up on the screen…”

_I could feel my heart racing in my chest. Mikey was right… I could easily become their biggest fan._

I leaned against the wall - my eyes darting between each band member in awe. They looked so focused, and played together almost seamlessly. 

Gerard’s eyes met mine, creating an almost contagious smile between the two of us. 

_That was_ **_my_ ** _man singing - with such beautiful vocals._

With one last, breathy gasp, Gerard screamed out the final lyrics, “But does anyone notice, there’s a corpse in this bed?”

The music dwindled off into a halt, and Gerard turned to his bandmates, “That was probably the best version so far”

He placed his microphone on the stand and turned his head back to face me, “What’d you think?”

“Eh” I joked, walking up closer to them, “That was only - How in the hell did you guys manage to hide that talent from me for so long? That was incredible”

Mikey chuckled down a sheepish smile, but turned his head to face the other way. 

“You really think so?” Gerard asked, pulling me into a hug and kissing the top of my head.

I nodded my head, “You should have been singing me to sleep every night with a voice like that”

Frank let out a laugh and blurted out, “That voice singing me to sleep would give me nightmares”

Mikey raised an eyebrow and defensively yelled out, “Oh, shut up, Frank”

“Really?” Frank fought back, “You can’t take a fucking joke about your brother?”

Mikey aggressively rolled his eyes, “I could take a joke, if it was funny”

“I know you’re pissed about Leslie” Frank started, “But she’s not yours anymore. You can fucking let it go”

Mikey’s face went white and I could see the anger building up in his eyes. _Was this his breaking point?_

Before he could say another word, Gerard turned around and exclaimed, “Everyone cut the shit”

Mikey peeled the straps of his bass off his shoulders and set it down against the wall - only inches from the boxes. 

“Whatever” he mumbled as he walked closer the stairs, “Good job band. I’m done for the day”


	25. Ice, Ice Baby

“I should go talk to him” I muttered, looking up at Gerard with puppy eyes.

He was hesitant, but ultimately caved in - nodding at me as he mumbled, “Well - go on then!”

I let out a sigh of relief and A-lined it to the stairs. As I began walking, I could hear the strumming of a guitar - and as I closed the door behind me, I could hear the outskirts of Gerard’s voice singing along. 

_ I wanted to stay and listen, but I knew it wouldn’t sound the same without Mikey. _

The first floor was vacant. The couch was cold, all of the chairs were tucked up neatly against the kitchen island, and there was no-one in the backyard. Slightly winded from searching, I made my way up the final set of stairs.

I could see light poking out from the bottom of Mikey’s bedroom door. I took a deep breath and lightly knocked on it.

“What do you want?” he childishly muttered.

“Hey” I said gently, “It’s me”

“Oh”, his demeanor changed, “Hey”

I pressed my ear close to the door and I could hear his footsteps getting closer, “Can we talk?”

“Yeah, of course” he muttered as he opened the door, “Come in”

_ I melted at the sight of his face. He looked so embarrassed and morose, I just wanted to pull him into a hug. _

_ Instead,  _ I stepped deeper into his room and asked, “How’re you doing, Mikey?”

He shrugged and slid his hands into his pockets “I’m mortified”

My lips moved to the right side of my face, forming a sympathetic half-smile, “I know, I didn’t come here to hound you. You seem so on edge lately”

“Uh...I…” He started, diverting his focus to the floor, “I really am”

I spread my arms open, “You look like you need a hug”

He pouted his lips and ran into them, “Thanks, Mir”

I tightened my grip around him, “You were awesome down there”

“You want to talk about what’s going on in that head of yours?” I asked

He pulled out of the hug and sat down on his bed, “You know - it’s a lot”

I sat down next to him, “I have a lot of time”

“I should have kept my cool” he started, letting out an aggravated puff of breath, “But all I can think about when I see him… Are his dirty, greasy hands sliding up Leslie’s legs - right before she came back and called me hers”

“Yeah” I mumbled, “Pretty shitty thing of him to do”

“Like, I can’t even hold a grudge against Leslie, because things weren’t working out” he continued, “I’ve tried to hold it back, but I’m just pissed at him for doing that to me”

“You’re allowed to be mad at both of them” I consoled him, “They both did shitty things to you”

He shook his head, “Maybe I’m grateful that things didn’t work out with her, but you know - sometimes I just don’t feel like I’ll ever be enough for anyone”

“Mikey” I groaned, “Don’t talk like that. Maybe you’re just too good for everyone”

He chuckled and shook his head, “Too good for everyone?”

I cleared my throat, “I mean - anyone that ends up with you is the luckiest person in the world”

He jumped on to his feet and blurted out, “How can you say that?”

The emotion in my face fell flat, “Because I mean it?”

He shook his head and shouted, “I’ve never even been good enough for you”

_ I felt like puking.  _

“Mikey” I whispered, “Lower your voice - everyone can hear you”

_ I’d said the wrong thing… _

“So what?” he continued, pacing back and forth in front of me, “I don’t care if anyone hears. Everyone knows that”

I sat there in silence - horrified.  _ Oh god, I’ve broken him. _

After a few seconds, he sat back down. Slightly panting from anxiety, he closed his eyes and mumbled, “Fuck - I didn’t mean it like that”

Annoyed, I fought back, “Then what did you mean?”

“I’m just so fucked up, Mir” he groaned, and I could hear a quiver in his breath, “I feel so alone”

I place my hand over his to console him, “You’re not alone. I’m right here”

He quickly pulled his hand from underneath mine, “See - it’s things like that. You can’t do things like that to me”

_ But - we’d always consoled each other like this.  _

“I didn’t mean anything by it, I was only trying to cheer you up...” I mumbled

_ My insides now felt like ice. Sitting next to him felt wrong. I was frozen. _

“I- I, I know… I know you were” he muttered, “I’m just in a bad headspace”

“Ice. Ice. Baby” I muttered under my breath.

“What?” He asked through laughter.

I took a deep breath and shook my head.  _ What the actual fuck? Why did I say that outloud? _

He burst out into laughter now, “Did you just mumble the lyrics to a Vanilla Ice song under your breath?”

I placed my hand on my forehead, slightly covering one of my eyes with embarrassment, “I swear to god - I can’t even explain that. My private thoughts are bleeding through my reality”

_ At least my stupidity was cheering him up. _

He continued to laugh, “So - I bring up my feelings and you suddenly get “Ice Ice Baby” stuck in your head?”

“Well” I sighed, “I was just thinking - my insides feel frozen, like ice, and I guess it slipped out…”

_ I couldn’t even explain this if I tried... _

“Holy shit, Mir” he chuckled, “I really want to dig deeper into your mind, if this is the way your thoughts process” 

“Shut up” I moaned.

He laughed and grabbed back at my hand, “I’m sorry - okay?”

I looked back up at him, still slightly embarrassed, and murmured, “I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable, I know you’re going through a lot”

“I’m sorry I’m acting so crazy” he muttered, “It does make me feel better to know you’re here next to me”

“Can I ask you something?” I blurted out

He nodded his head, “Yeah - anything”

“Gerard told me you said something to him…” I trailed off.

“Oh” he started, fidgeting with the zipper on his sweatshirt, “Yeah”

“Did you…” I started, but couldn’t find the guts to finish. 

He knew what I was asking and nodded his head, “Was I supposed to lie to him?”

“I mean - yes” I exclaimed, “For the both of us”

“Both of us?” he asked, “You chose him, so what does it matter now?”

I could feel my cheeks turning red, “Uh- I don’t know…”

“You’re… blushing?” he started, “Do you still feel that way?”

I shrugged and dropped my vision to the floor. 

“Wow” he started - I could hear the smile behind his voice, “I knew it. You’re always giving me that look”

“I don’t know” I sighed, “Our history is too elaborate to not feel that way sometimes. If things were different, I think maybe…”

He cut me off, “Yeah - yeah. Another life, all that bullshit. I don’t know that I’m ready to hear that”

I grit my teeth and peered off to the corner of his room.  _ How could I even respond to that? _

“Sometimes I think I’ll never love anyone like I love you” He mumbled.

Those words made me feel sick.  _ Maybe he was right, maybe these feelings would never go away and torment us for the rest of our lives. _

_ But Gerard was sweet and he made me happy. I didn’t want to hurt him, and I didn’t want to hurt Mikey.  _

_ Mikey fueled a fire inside of me - maybe one based off of pure nostalgia, or just a bad case of “you want what you can’t have”. Either way, hearing those words made me question my choices. Worse, they made me picture the anger and hurt in Gerard’s eyes when he found us together (even if it wasn’t real). I couldn’t do that to him again- _

“Earth to Miranda” Mikey snapped his fingers in front of my face. 

_ I must have gotten that stupid look on my face again - lost in my own thoughts. _

“Sorry” I mumbled.

He put his arm around my back and tugged me closer to him, “Either way, you’re stuck with me as your best friend”


	26. Another Fight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is it all starting to crumble down? Right before all of their eyes - a tension, dividing everyone. Three people, weak to their emotions. How do they fight this battle?

( _Later that night)_

“Good job on calming him down” Gerard muttered as he took off his sweat-drenched t-shirt, “But do you both of you really need to run after each other every time one of you throws a fit?”

Without moving my head, I peered up from my book, “What do you mean?”

_Oh fuck, he was jealous again._

“It’s just - Mikey’s a grown man” Gerard started, but I quickly cut him off.

“He’s going through a lot right now” I began, setting my book to the side, “And you know he’s my best friend. I don’t know what the problem is”

Gerard let out a devious chuckle, “Right. Just your best friend”

I raised my eyebrow and sat straight up, “What do you mean?”

“It’s just - annoying” Gerard mumbled, “I feel like there’s more going on”

I could feel my face growing red with anger, “There’s not. So much for trusting me”

_He wasn’t stupid, but he also was niave to the will-power I’d had toward Mikey. All of the times I’d put Gerard first…_

“Yeah” he rolled his eyes, “You didn’t even stay and watch me earlier. I wanted you to hear us”

I bit my lip hard, but it was dry - and I could taste the blood from the new-formed crack on it.

“You told me I could leave” I exclaimed.

He sighed, “That didn’t mean I wanted you to”

I stood up - my blood boiling in my veins, “Are you trying to start a fight?”

“I’m not fighting with you” he snarled, “I’m just stating facts”

I let out a loud groan of anger before shouting, “You’re not fighting with me - you’re just accusing me of cheating on you?!”

_Maybe I should have caved in to Mikey. Would it have made a difference?_

Gerard stood there, dumb-founded by hearing me say it outloud. It was unlike him to remain quiet.

“I’m not” I continued, anger growing in my voice, “I’m not fucking cheating on you, Gerard”

“Okay” he sighed, defeated, “Okay”

I shook my head, “It’s not okay for you to keep bringing this crap up”

His eyes filled with rage - I could tell I was provoking him. He walked closer to me and muttered, “Well maybe I have to”

“You have to what?” I continued, “Keep me from my other friendships?”

He shook his head, “I never. Once. Said you couldn’t be friends with him”

“Then why do you get so upset?” I yelled.

_I was heated - deep down, I couldn’t fully blame him. But I couldn’t let this go, either._

“I’ve been friends with him longer than I’ve known you” I continued, “Let that sink in”

“And he was - what, exactly?” Gerard yelled back, “Your first kiss? Your first love? Now suddenly just your friend again?”

_He was making more sense than me at this point._

I snarled at the accusation, “Do you really think that low of me?”

He shook his head and started to mumble, “Look…”

But I cut him off, “I’m going out. I need some space right now”

“So what-” He started, almost breathless, “You’re going to run to him and cry over me?”

I stepped closer to the door, “Wow. I can’t fucking believe you”

He was panting now - staring at me with beady eyes that burned with anger.

“No” I shouted, “I’m going out”

“Fine” He growled, letting out another puff of air, “Go”

* * *

 _Shorts were a bad idea,_ I thought to myself as I adjusted my butt on the cold, sticky barstool. It was humid outside, but it was freezing in here - and I could feel goosebumps as I slid my hand down the top of my thigh.

“Miranda?” A voice called out for me in the distance. 

I lifted my head up and the room was already spinning. A familiar male with brown hair greeed my from the other side of the bar, “How are you doing?”

_It was that bartender - fuck, what was his name? Thomas, Kevin-_

“Doing - ah” I slurred, my eyes peered over to his name tag. _It was Nate._

He looked confused, and I quickly finished my sentence, “Another drink, Nate?”

He let out a chuckle, “You sure that’s a good idea?”

I nodded my head, “Just one”

“Okay” he rolled his eyes, “But after this one, we may have to cut you off”

“Yeah, whatever” I slurred, stretching my arms into the sticky bar, “Vodka and rum”

He grabbed a cup and scooped some ice into it, “You want anything mixed into that?”

“Anything” I grumbled.

He slid me a small red drink. I eagerly took a sip of it and looked back up at him, “This is just cranberry juice”

“There’s vodka and rum in that, too” He laughed.

I took another sip and pushed it back toward him, “Needs more”

“I-” He started, peering his eyes around the bar, “I think we’re gonna cut you off. I don’t want to lose my license to sell-”

“I want another” I cut him off, my voice getting louder, “Get me another”

His smile dropped to a look of concern, “Is Gerard coming to pick you up?”

“NO!” I yelled, standing up from the chair and loudly slamming my hands on the counter, “Why can’t you just get me another drink?”

“You didn’t drive here - did you?” He asked, diverting my demands.

I shook my head, “No. Why are you doing this?”

I was hysterical now - tears forming at my eyes. Nate slid the check in front of my hands, “Why don’t we call you a cab?”

I looked down at it. _$103.83._

“Are you kicking me out?” I yelled - frantic now. I had nowhere to go.

He nodded his head, “You’re making a scene - We can’t keep you here like this”

I slapped my credit card on the bill and slid it back to him, “Fuck you, Chris. Kevin. Nate. Whatever your fucking name is”

He grabbed the check and angrily mumbled under his breath, “It’s Nate”

“Whatever, it’s fucking dumb” I started, turning toward the rest of the empty bar and yelling, “Everything is fucking dumb!”

Nate slid back my card with a disappointed look on his face. 

I could feel my phone vibrating in my pocket. I pulled it out and turned it off.

“My co-worker called you a cab” Nate started, “And it’s on me. It’ll be here in five minutes”

I grabbed my card and rolled my eyes, “I can make it on my own”

He shook his head, “It doesn’t look like you can”

I took my first step away and felt myself stumble forward. I didn’t fall on the floor - but I came close to it. Movement made the dizziness worse.

Nate turned to his co-worker and whispered something before walking out the front of the bar and toward me.

“What do-ya want” I muttered angrily.

He walked beside me as I made my way to the front door, “I’m gonna make sure you get on that cab”

I groaned and continued to walk forward.


	27. The Break

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I... don't know where this came from

I awoke suddenly, in the midst of a blank dream to the sound of an unfamiliar voice. As I fluttered my eyes open, I was greeted by torn leather seats and the faint aroma of cigarette smoke. I was in the back of someone’s car - everything was spinning. _How did I get in here?_

A strange, obtuse and fair-skinned male sat in the driver seat. He let out a deep, raspy cough into a handkerchief, and I could see pools of sweat forming on the sides of his partially-receding hairline. His breathing was loud and heavy, but partially overpowered by the loud dinging noise of his car’s hazards.

I closed my eyes and leaned back into the seat. _I was still dreaming._

 _But - I wasn’t._ I woke up startled by his voice again, this time letting out a gasp.

“Well uh, young lady” puffed the driver, “This is your stop”

I wiped the drool from my lips and looked up at him, “Where am I?”

“33 Cole st”, he muttered, his voice sounding winded “It’s time to get out” 

I leaned my arm up against the door, accidentally pushing down the window before finally reaching the handle. I could feel his eyes peering over to me with annoyance, and I quickly pulled at the grip. 

It didn’t give at first - put after a few jiggles it flew open with force, causing the weight of my body to fall with it and stumble out of the car.

Face first into the pavement again - this time with no one to help me up. With scraped elbows, I was able to lift myself back up against the footing of the car. 

“You’re all set, miss” The driver croaked, “Nice guy at the bar paid for you”

I nodded my head and slammed the door behind me. Slightly blinded by the flashing of his hazards, I peered back at the car. Bright yellow with withered black stripes, and the window I leaned against was still partially cracked open. _It was a taxi._

_A shitty taxi, at that._

I could feel myself salivating at the mouth and bent over - my hands pressed against my thighs. I recognized the house in front of me - vacant now, but almost in the same condition as when I grew up on it.

I leaned forward further and started to spit up vomit. _Oh god, what had I done?_

I pat at the side of my pocket for my phone - but it wasn’t there. Frantically, I dug through the rest. The taxi was no longer in sight, and amidst the abandoned house in front of me stood dark, wooded hills. 

_I needed to get out of here._

My legs pulled me to the right, and I struggled to keep my posture as I stumbled through the dark. Trees were beginning to surround me and I could feel the elevation rising with every step I took. _I knew there was a way out of here..._

Everything was spinning, but I kept running. Determined to make my way back to humanity - out of the humidity and back into the the apologetic arms of - 

_Ow. Fuck. Ow._

I stumbled over a branch and flew backward down the hill, twirling down a rock and landing sideways on my leg.

_Did I just hear a crack?_

I tried to rollover but was stopped by sharp, excruciating pain that radiated down the thigh of my right leg. I couldn’t lift it - moving it felt like trying to straighten wet spaghetti. 

The pain made me sick again, and I turned my head to the side before choking on my vomit. 

I was still drunk, but I was hyper-aware now. I let out a groan, followed by a desperate scream, “Help! Help! Somebody help me!”

I tried to pivot my body in the other direction, but it barely moved. I could smell the vomit now, and it only made me more nauseous. I kept screaming - wailing at the top of my lungs, even though I knew it would do nothing. 

My throat hurt now, and my voice was beginning to crack. I looked down at my leg for the first time and could see it was bent in the wrong direction. _How would I ever get out of this?_

There were bugs crawling on my ankles - but I didn't have the strength to brush them off. I tried, and as I moved my elbow, blood poured down the side of my body. I wanted to scream some more, but by now my voice was faint. _I needed water._

Drained of my energy, I felt my eyelids getting heavier. As I succumbed to the tired, I was shaken awake with fear by every pinecomb that fell off the trees beside me. 

The cold of the grass was slightly refreshing, but the floor was hard, and my neck strained from it’s strange position. I tried to move my leg again, but was only met with jolts of unnerving pain.

While sickly shaking out of control, I whispered to myself, "Wake up from this nightmare..."

_Or you're gonna die out here..._


	28. Just a Junkie

Mikey angrily slammed his fist against the kitchen island, immediately regretting his decision as he pulled his hand back and winced with pain, “This isn’t like her - why the fuck did you let her leave?”

Gerard rubbed his blood-shot eyes and shook his head, “I don’t know”

_ He hadn’t slept a wink the night before. How could he? Terrorized by the memory of watching her limp body lose it’s pulse - worried that she’d be like that again… _

“Have you called her?” Mikey asked as he paced back and forth through the kitchen.

“Obviously” Gerard started, clearing his throat and increasing his volume, “About a million fucking times. She’s not answering me”

Mikey shook his head, “Well - then try again”

“You really think this is gonna make a difference?” Gerard shrieked, hitting the speaker button on his phone as it continued to ring, “She’s not gonna answer, she -”

But his voice was cut off by a male’s on the other end of the phone, “Hello?”

Gerard’s face went white and he quickly raised the phone to his ear, “Who is this?”

“This is Nate” The voice muttered.

Gerard bit at his lip and angrily shook his head, “Wow - the bartender. Okay, Nate, I understand what’s happening now”

The voice quickly snapped back, “It’s not-”

But Gerard was convinced now - and he wasn’t listening, “Tell Miranda to have a nice fucking life then…”

“Have you seen her?” Asked the voice from the phone.

Gerard winced and yelled the word “Goodbye” before ending the call.

Mikey stood next to him, a look of confusion overtaking his voice, “This isn’t like her…”

Gerard was panting now, “You never fucking know. You don’t know people, I know people. Everyone’s the same. Of course she left me for some fucking bartender…”

“I know Miranda” Mikey murmured, “And this isn’t like her. She wouldn’t do that to you”

Gerard snorted out a laugh, “She’s a junkie. I’ve watched her die in front of my eyes, been there for her as she shriveled up to nothing… And she’d do this to me. Good thing I’m not as love struck and naive as you are”

Mikey raised his voice, “Don’t say those things about her”

“She’s out there fucking some random bartender” Gerard shouted, “Left me here to worry. She’s fine”

Mikey shook his head, “I don’t believe any of that. I’m gonna call her”

“Have fun with that” Gerard started, walking toward the door, “I’m going to have a drink”

\--

Mikey took a deep breath as he clicked her number in his contacts. 

_ Gerard couldn’t be right. Miranda wouldn’t do that to either of us. _

The phone barely rang before the same voice answered the other side of it, “Gerard?”

“No” he muttered, “This is Mikey, his brother”

_ This didn’t seem right. _

“Miranda left her phone at the bar” The voice started, “Can you have Gerard come pick it up?”

Mikey let out a sigh of relief, “I’ll come get it. Where is she?”

“I don’t know” Nate continued, “She was causing a drunken scene here, so I called her a cab. Did she not make it home?”

“No.. we” Mikey started, “I haven’t seen her”

“That’s concerning” Nate murmured, “She was really out of it. Maybe I can ask the cab company where she got out…”

Mikey swallowed, but there was a lump in his throat, “Okay - you do that. I’ll come down and get the phone”


	29. Why Are You Running, Sweetie?

“You must be Mikey” Nate exclaimed, walking out from behind the bar. 

Mikey walked toward him anxiously and extended his hand out to greet him, “That’s me”

Nate politely shook his hand back, “I’m Nate”

“So” Mikey took a breath, “Any update?”

“Indeed I have” Nate exclaimed, pulling Miranda’s phone out of his back pocket and handing it to Mikey, “They said she made it home - to her house on Cole St, but she was stumbling as she walked out the-”

Mikey quickly cut him off, “Cole St? She hasn’t lived there in years…”

“Well, that’s peculiar” Nate muttered, “That’s where she said she lived”

“Do you think we should call the police?” Mikey started, the color draining from his face, “I have bad feeling about all of this”

“Is it a dangerous area?” Nate asked, his pupils dilating with fear.

Mikey shook his head, “It’s not. I’m more worried about what she might do to herself”

“Don’t call the police” Nate started, untying the apron around his neck, “Let’s go looking for her, first”

* * *

_(Miranda’s perspective)_

I opened my eyes to a droplet of rain landing between my eyes. I couldn’t tell if my clothes were soaked with my sweat or the drizzle pouring in through gaps in the trees.

A figure stood before me and peered down at me with in-human eyes. It was dark - almost shadow like, and I clenched my elbows into the grass to try and escape it. Through sharp, excruciating jolts of pain, I was able to drag my body backward.

Each movement attacked me with nauseating strain - and at one point I could feel the bone grinding against itself. But _I needed to escape whatever was in front of me,_ and was eventually able to levy myself against a large tree.

As I looked back off into the distance, the figure was gone. I was finally able to prop my back up against the tree and lean back into an upward posture. 

My neck was still sore from the way it laid against the grass, but the rest of my body sighed with relief. For the first time since I’d fallen, I could finally look down at my leg - and I quickly wanted to look away. 

This didn’t feel like my body anymore, this didn’t feel like my head.

Now, the figure was back. It appeared before my eyes in the ghostly shape of my father - short, frail, and long, frizzy brown hair that laid at his shoulders.

He smiled cynically, ear to hear, as he echoed the words, “Miranda, sweetie…”

I tried to inch myself further back, but was stopped by an exposed root of the tree. The figure followed me.

“Where are you going, sweetie?” It taunted, “Why are you running from the ones you love?”

I shook my head and could feel the tears streaming down my cheeks, “I’m not running!”

The figure changed form - from a wispy, black cloud of smoke to the silhouettes of Gerard and Mikey. In unison, they both chanted, “Why are you running away from us, sweetie?”

“I’m not running!” My voice cracked, “I can’t run!”

The figure got closer, and I gripped a stick with my hands. _It would be my weapon - my one line of defence._

Suddenly - the figure disappeared. As I looked down at my hands, I could see black smoke pooling around the corners of the stick.

I gripped it tightly with both hands - _I had it now._

I could feel it pricking my fingers. I twisted my hand - strangling it now. _Why would it come this close to me?_

It changed form again - this time, only in a dull silhouette of Gerard. My fingers were gripping his throat, and he struggled to gasp for air.

I let go, and could feel his head bounce onto my legs. _Ow._

“Why did you run from me, sweetie?” The silhouette cried, “Why…?”

I started bawling and lowered my head to face his. He started fading away - one little black wisp at time - until I was staring at a broken stick on my lap.

_I was hallucinating._

* * *

_I was losing hope now._

Branches swayed above my head as I struggled to find a comfortable position. Everything was throbbing - my head, my leg, the scrapes all over my shoulders. With every movement, I felt closer to getting sick again. 

Startled by the sound of leaves crunching in the distance, I jumped and scraped my arm against the tree trunk. 

_Was this my fate? Was this karma - the universe’s cruel fate of using infidelity against me?_

_But then - I heard it._ The distinct but muffled sounds of a human’s voice - this one more lucid than the echoes of my blatant hallucinations.

I dug my fingers into the dirt and pulled myself forward against the grass, “Help me!”

I could hear the footsteps getting closer. A familiar voice responded, “Miranda - Is that you?”

I cleared my throat and tried to scream with a cotton-mouth, but all that came out was the crack of the word, “Here!”

The silhouette of a man appeared through the trees and I desperately waved my hands in the air. It halted for a second and yelled, “She’s over here!”

A second man came into focus, running at a rapid speed toward my limp body. _It was Mikey._

As he got closer, his complexion went white as a ghost. I shamefully blushed as I looked down at my blood, vomit, and grass-stained shirt. 

“Mir!” He shouted, “Mir! What happened!”

I felt the muscles in my throat clench with emotion and I quickly burst into tears. _Seeing his face only seemed to solidify the reality of everything happening around me._

He bent down next to me, audibly panting as his eyes scanned up and down my body. 

He placed his hand on the top of my thigh and I quickly swatted him away, “Ow - stop. Please. Stop”

“I’m sorry, I-” he started, “I think it’s broken”

I let out a deep breath and rolled my eyes, “Really - you don’t say?”

His lips curled into a half smile and he shook his head, “Really - you’re gonna be sarcastic though this?”

I hadn’t realized it till now - but I’d stopped weeping. Infact, I could feel a smile creeping on both corners of my lips but quickly tried to suck it back. _Something about Mikey being here made everything feel okay._

 _But quickly, Mikey broke my happiness with reality,_ “We’re gonna have to get you up”

The idea of moving my body made me cringe. I shook my head violently, “I can’t-”

He puffed out a breath of air, “We have to get you out of here”

The second man came into focus, and Mikey quickly snapped his neck toward him, “Nate - Can you walk back to somewhere with service and call us an ambulance? I’m gonna try to help her out of here”

_I recognized him. He was the man in the bar - the one who met Gerard and -_

_Holy shit. The blur of the night before started to come back to me and I felt even more nauseous. What was he doing here?_

Nate nodded his head, “You sure you don’t need any help?”

Mikey shook his head, “I can carry her if I have to”

“Right then” Nate started, turning back in the direction he came from, “If you need anything - scream”

“You’re going to have to put your arms around my neck” Mikey muttered, leaning his body parallel to mine, “And I’ll lift you up. This won’t be fun… But you’re going to have to trust me”

I bit my lip, “I trust you”

“Okay” he anxiously mumbled, sliding his arms around my waist, “Now it’s your turn”

I slid my arms around his neck and nodded my head. I could see the worry glazed over his eyes as our faces almost touched. He let out a deep breath and pushed his forehead against mine, “Are you ready?”

“I’m scared” I cried.

“I am, too” he whispered, tightening his grip around my waist, “But I’m gonna get you out of here”

_And just like that - before I could speak another word, he used all of his might to lift my body in the air._

Everything hurt - but he grabbed at my broken leg and held it tightly against his chest, so that it wouldn’t move as he glided us through the trees.


	30. Physically Broken

“You sure you don’t want something to dull the pain?” An EMT to my right asked

A second EMT closed the door behind him and piped in, “You’re really going to want something. This ride isn’t going to be fun for you.”

I tilted my head to make eye contact with Mikey, “I shouldn’t - I shouldn’t”

He set his hand on my shoulder to console me, but was quickly brushed aside by one the EMTs as they reached for something behind him.

I closed my eyes tight as the ambulance began to take off. I felt like I was going into shock - shaking compulsively at every bump from the pain. 

With a twisted turn of fate, I opened my eye and grabbed for the paramedic, “I think I could use something”

He smirked and elbowed at his partner, “See - I told ya. She wouldn’t be able to make it that long”

_I couldn’t tell them why I was holding back - the addiction.._

“This right here is fentanyl” He clenched at a syringe, “Gonna put it up your nose. In a second, you won’t feel a thing”

I swallowed deep and closed my eyes again, “Don’t warn before you do”

He let out a short snicker, and within a few seconds I felt something forced up my nostril. It smelt like sharpie ink and I quickly opened my eyes to see him pulling out a syringe. 

I looked back at Mikey and he gave me a concerned pout - but he was quiet in the presence of these strangers, almost intimidated. 

A wave of dizziness and nausea overtook me, and I leaned back while muttering, “I don’t feel so good…”

We went over a slight bump, causing my thigh to slightly roll. I could feel the bump - everything. The pain was diminished, but it was burning with a vengeance. 

* * *

I opened my eyes to someone slapping at my arm. _I don’t think I was asleep, but the rest of the ambulance ride fled my memory._

A nurse tightened a band over my shoulder and continued to slap at it, mumbling to herself, “Where is this vein…?”

I licked my lips, “Can I have some water?”

“Ah huh!” The nurse exclaimed, stabbing a needle into my arm and then looking up to face me, “Unfortunately, sweetie, you can’t. When’s the last time you ate?”

I raised my eyebrows, “A long time. A long time since I’d had water, too”

“Perfect” She started, connecting an IV into the needle, “Then we can get you into surgery sooner”

“Surgery?” I asked, “What’s wrong with me?”

I felt someone grab at my hand and tilted my head to face Mikey. 

“You broke your femur, pretty badly, dear” The nurse chirped.

Mikey squeezed tightly at my hand, but remained quiet. I moved my head to scan the room, _in hopes that Gerard would be nearby,_ but it was just the three of us.

“Can’t I just have water?” I asked, sliding my tongue against my dry lips.

She shrugged, “I can let you chew on some ice, but that’s it”

* * *

_(Three days later)_

Finally - I was released. Dumped from a wheelchair after it took me through large, sliding doors. Mikey was parked out front, waiting for me with his hazards on. As soon as he took note of my appearance, he jumped out of the driver’s seat and opened the passenger door.

He threw my crutches in the back seat and helped lower me into the seat, but it was a struggle to lift my right leg over the side of the door.

As I tried to activate my severed muscle, Mikey lightly put his hand on the bottom half of my leg and extended it outward.

“I’ll help you” he soothed, lifting it slowly into the car, “Just focus on relaxing it”

The gentle touch of his hand made me quiver in both amour and pain. 

“Thank you”, I started, looking up at him with big weary eyes, “But where are we going?”

With his hand still gliding my leg down, he smiled back at me, “Home”

“I don’t have a home”, I muttered, “Gerard wouldn’t want me there”

“Don’t worry about Gerard”, he scoffed, “You always have a home with me”

I shrugged, “Are you sure?”

“Gerard is a lot of things” he started, releasing his grip on my leg, “But he would never leave you out to struggle… especially with the condition you’re in now”

“Does he know I’m coming back?” I asked.

He shook his head, “If he doesn’t like it - you can have my bed”

“Is he still mad at me?” I asked 

Mikey let out a small chuckle, “I’d give him some time, if I were you”

I felt a string pull at my heart as I let out an unexcited, “Oh”. _We were over this time, for good._

Mikey pouted his lips in remorse and helped to close the door beside me. The three steps toward the driver side must have given him time to think, because as he sat down and turned off the hazards he began, “I don’t know entirely what’s going on between you two, but I know he isn’t feeling the best over it. He’s been lashing out at me a lot lately, too”

“I” I started, my heartbeat racing at the thought, “I shouldn’t come back with you”

“Then where would you go, Mir?” Mikey asked, “You hurt yourself pretty good, you know you can’t do this alone”

I took a deep breath in and defended myself, “I can do this alone”

“No”, he started, as he unexpectedly slid his fingers between mine, “No you can’t. But it’s okay, because I’m here to help you”

I felt my insides shatter - _I knew he was right. Yet again, like the parasite I am, I couldn’t do this without him._

I grabbed back at his hand and relaxed my shoulders back, “You’re right. I couldn’t”

“Wow”, he exclaimed, “I was expecting another one of your snarky, sarcastic remarks”

I pulled my hand away from him to cross my hands, “Fine - I can be snarky, if that’s what you want”

“No”, he laughed, “Give me your hand back”

I felt my cheek begin to blush, but I kept my hands tight where they were, “If you want my hand, then I’m gonna need you to sit back and shut up”

“I can do that”, he pleaded, running hand up against my good thigh. 

I stubbornly let out a puff of air and let my hand fall on top of his. He quickly flipped it over and let our fingers intertwine. 

“Why do you still try this with me?” I blurted out.

He half-shrugged with just his right shoulder, “I unno. Seeing you like this… I just can’t imagine a world without you”

I could feel my body melt, and for a brief second I forgot about the argument with Gerard. But Mikey brought the thoughts back, with a sad, “Yeah - I know what you’re gonna say. How could you do this to my brother?”

I shook my head. _For the first time, I wasn’t thinking that._

“Don’t you remember what I told you about sitting back and shutting up?” I smirked

“Right - there she is”, he muttered, “I’ll do that”


	31. Home?

Lucky for me, Gerard’s car wasn’t in the driveway as we pulled in - but I knew it was only a matter of time before I had to face him.

Mikey rushed out of the driver’s seat and gently helped me lift my leg out of the car. 

“Do you think you can make it up the stairs?” he asked, as he handed me my crutches. 

I pushed my body weight against them and stood up, “Well - I’m gonna have to”

He tried to hide the pride on his face, but it leaked out through a smile, “We know that I can carry you, now. If you need me to”

I rolled my eyes and inched closer to the door, “I can handle it on my own”

“Sure you can”, he snickered, slamming the trunk behind him with a bag of my belongings. 

I pushed my crutches against the staircase to the farmer’s porch and hopped up on to the first step. Excitedly, I turned around to brag about my success, only to find Mikey standing close behind me - frightened, as if he thought I’d fall.

“I can do it, Mikey” I pleaded, “You don’t need to stand over me”

He rubbed his hand over the side of my arm, “I know you can. And I’ll be right here beside you, as you do it”

I blushed, knowing deep down that  _ he had every right to treat me like the hazard that I am. _

I hopped up another step, with success. Only one more step before reaching the door - and many more if I wanted to make it up to my bedroom.  _ If it was still mine. _

It was taking a lot out of me. I was dizzy - a cocktail of my painkillers and the amount of blood I’d lost in the forest. But I wasn’t going to give up, I wanted to show Mikey I could make it up three stairs on my own.

With one last deep breath, I plunged my body forward with the crutches and made it to the top. Mikey jokingly hugged me from behind, “You did it! I’m so proud of you”

I turned my body to face him and sarcastically remarked, “Of course I did. You’re the one who doubted me”

He smirked back at me, “I never doubted you”

_ Fuck - what this man could do to the butterflies in my stomach, regardless of the sarcasm in his voice.  _

“Well you can go ahead of me now” I ushered, “And open the door. I don’t have any more stairs to fall down”

I could see the front of Gerard’s car turning up the road and turned back to Mikey, “Now. We have to hide me”

Mikey laughed and held the door open for me, not letting go until I was fully inside. 

“I can’t see him” I panicked, “I can’t - I”

Mikey cut me off, “We can hide you in my room for now. But you know you’re going to have to see him eventually”

I nodded my head and hobbled as fast as I could over to the staircase. Mikey walked closely behind.

I took my first step up and could already feel myself getting winded.  _ There were a lot of stairs left. _

I hopped up another, this time feeling less steady. I could hear Gerard’s footsteps coming up to the farmers porch and turned back to Mikey, “Remember what you said about carrying me?”

He smiled, “I thought you could do it on your own”

The door creaked open and I turned back around, attempting to push myself up the next step - but I was stopped in my tracks by Gerard’s voice, “What is she doing here?”

Mikey turned to face him, but kept his arms close to my back, “She came home”

“Home?!” Gerard snarled, but quickly changed his tone as he further inspected me, “Are you hurt?”

I turned around to face him and felt my chest tighten as our eyes made contact. I nodded my head. 

“What happened?” Gerard asked

“I broke my leg” I muttered.

Mikey stepped in, “She shattered her femur pretty bad a couple of nights ago. She had to have surgery, and she can’t really take care of herself”

I snapped my head to face Mikey, “I can take care of myself”

Mikey bit his lip and rolled his eyes, “Sure you can”

“Ahh, I see what’s going on” Gerard snarled before storming off into the kitchen. 

I swallowed hard and turned back to take another step. This time weakened and more wobbly. I grabbed for the handrail to pull myself up, but Mikey grabbed me from behind my waist to help stabilize me.

“You okay there?” He asked

I shook my head, “I feel weak”

“You need some help?” He asked - with what I could assume to be a smile on his face. 

I nodded my head. He collected both of my crutches and leaned them against the wall before picking me up and carrying me into my bed. 

He quickly disappeared and returned to stand the crutches at my bedside. 

“Why don’t you take a nap?” He started, “Get that energy back. I know walking up the stairs is hard work”

“Ugh” I scowled, “I’m so pathetic”

“Hey now”, he soothed, pulling a blanket over my body, “I was only joking. You’re hurt, and you need to get better”

“I don’t really want to sleep” I mumbled, “I’ve slept enough for the past three days”

He chuckled, “You want me to keep you company for now?”

I nodded my head. Laying down was uncomfortable - I normally slept on my side, but now, the only somewhat comfortable position was laying flat on my back with my hand tucked underneath my right hip to alleviate the strain. 

He closed the door and sat down on the bed next to me, eagerly handing me the remote. 

_ I was tired, even though I didn’t want to admit it. _

“Can I use you?” I muttered, “To prop my leg up on?”

He chuckled, “Of course”

I sprawled my leg out over his and without thinking about it, ended up snuggled into his side. He wrapped his arm under my pillow and ushered my head into his chest. 

Within seconds, I was fast asleep.


	32. Love

I woke up and Mikey was still beside me, wide awake and concentrated on whatever was on TV. As I stretched my body, his focus drifted toward me, “Well, hello there sleepy head”

I rolled my eyes, “How long was I asleep for?”

He pretended to look at his watch, “About - three episodes of the Twilight Zone”

“Ugh” I mumbled, “I wasn’t supposed to fall asleep”

He laughed, “Yes you were. It’s the only way you’re going to heal”

I moved my head slightly further into him and he moved his chest toward me in a more comfortable position. For some reason, it just felt normal for our bodies to be so intertwined together. 

His chest was so much more comfortable than laying back into a pillow - and his arm tightened around me made me feel so secure. As I realized what we were doing, the butterflies came back in full force - but I didn’t want to fight them.

For the first time, cuddling with Mikey wasn’t a sin. I was single, he was single, and it felt natural to be close to the man who had been taking such sweet care of me.

The man who had always been there for me - regardless of the amount of times I’d pushed him away. 

My first kiss, my first love, my best friend.  _ Maybe it was the painkillers,  _ but without thinking, I stretched deeper into him and muttered, “Thank you for everything. I love you”

“Aww”, he squeezed his arm against me, “I love you, too. You know it’s my responsibility as your best friend to always be here for you”

“I don’t mean it like that”, I blurted out, “I love you. The sweetest, most caring, and compassionate person I’ve ever met”

It was unlike him to remain silent - but he held his tongue. I understood why; the amount of times I’d led him on, only to push him away and question our relationship.

“I’m not saying I want to rush into another relationship, after the one I’d just been through” I continued, “But I just needed you to know that. It was on my mind”

He loosened his grip around me, “Maybe we shouldn’t complicate things, though? You know how many times we have had this conversation?”

I moved my head off his chest and further into the pillow, “I guess, I’m sorry”

He turned on his side to face me, “That didn’t mean you had to move away from me”

I shrugged my lips, but diverted my eyes to the ceiling - mortified. This is how I must have made him feel, so many times before. 

_ I’d ruined all of my chances with him - I’d chosen the wrong -  _

He kissed me on the cheek. I turned my head to face him, “What was that?”

He smiled at me, “You looked like you needed a kiss”

I smirked at him and scrunched up my nose, bravely flirting back, “On my cheek? I need a kiss on my lips”

He kissed me on my other cheek, “Your cheeks look like they need them more”

I angrily squinted my eyes at him and managed to turn my body to face him - for only a few seconds, and plant a kiss on his lips. As I turned around on my back, he inched closer to me and kissed me on my cheek.

Then - my other cheek. And finally, on my lips. As he began to pull away, I leaned back toward him and grabbed at his face, pulling him down closer to me.

His thin lips matched mine perfectly and kissed with the same rhythm. I desperately wanted to push further with him, but was restricted by the limitations of my leg.

This time, I wouldn’t stop him. I was addicted to the sweet taste of his saliva, the way his five-o'clock shadow brushed against my cheeks, and the touch of hands. 

As crippled as I was, his lips tasted like the remedy to butterflies that wouldn’t stop. I couldn’t believe I’d resisted them for this long and kept my sanity.

_ But maybe that was it. Had I really been one with my sanity? Was I lacking the one person who could complete me? _

So intrigued by his kisses, that my mind began to wander. Was this pure lust, or had he been right all along? Was this something more?

Whatever it was - I didn’t want it to stop. And by the time it did, I made sure to steal at least a single peck from his lips as often as I could, and he did the same.


	33. Conflicted

It was bound to happen eventually - and, inevitably, I found myself trying to avoid contact with large hazel eyes as they entered through the kitchen door.

_ Gerard. Oh, how even the sound of his name in my head made my insides sting.  _

_ Standing before me was merely the shell of someone I loved so deeply and intimately, that now only saw me through eyes of resentment.  _

I quickly scrambled to stand up from my chair - using the corner of the kitchen island to prop myself up as I grabbed for my crutches.

_ A relationship that crumbled so quickly without any resolution. Although I was finding solace in his brother, the silhouette of his body sent shivers down my spine. I had to get away - _

“Relax”, He crudely chuckled, “You don’t have to run every time you see me”

The sound of his soft voice hit me with a tinge of nostalgia and regret. Through what felt like a closing throat, I managed to choke out the word, “Oh”

_ It felt strange to see Gerard and not be greeted by the brush of his lips, but we’d dug our relationship into a grave that I couldn’t see us ever recovering from.  _

He opened up the fridge and grabbed a bottle of cream, setting it on the kitchen island - almost directly in front me, before turning around and grabbing a coffee pot.

As he let it run under the faucet of the kitchen sink, he turned back to me and asked, “So - what’d you do to yourself, anyway?”

I was still frozen - leaning against the edge of the kitchen island, fixated on the sound of the running water. 

“Do you want the short story?” I started, “Or all of it?”

He turned to face me and leaned over the other side of the island, “Oh, you know I want the full thing”

I blushed, “It’s pretty pathetic”

“I’m sure” He chuckled.

“Well, that night, we… you know… broke up” I started, and could feel my body begin to shake as the memories flooded back to my head, “I got really drunk, got kicked out of a bar, and somehow woke up in a cab in front of my dad’s old house”

He raised his eyebrow, “You got kicked out of a bar?”

I swallowed hard, “Yeah - I don’t know. Anyway, I was blacked out for a lot of it, but I somehow stumbled into the woods and tripped down a hill on to my leg”

“Holy shit”, He started, “Were you by yourself?”

I nodded my head. By now, my whole body was trembling, but I continued to tell the story, “I was. I couldn’t move - my leg felt like jello. I lost my phone, it started raining, everything was bleeding, and I was stuck there all night and…”

By now I was panting - and it took me a second to try and regain my strength. As I sat back into the chair, I realized the water was still running. Gerard was more intrigued by my story than making his coffee.

“I thought I was gonna die there”, I murmured, trying to hold back tears that were forming in my eyes, “Somehow Mikey found me and pulled me out of there… But I really fucked my leg up. I broke my femur, I had to have surgery on it, everything hurts… I don’t know how long it will be until I’m ever normal again”

_ I was venting now - rambling, really. Crying, shaking, on the edge of hyperventilating.  _

He stood there in awe - speechless at first, with his jaw open wide. 

I wiped a tear out of my eye and continued, “So yeah. That’s my story”

“I had no idea”, He muttered, “How didn’t I know any of this?”

I shrugged.

“Was this before or after you slept with Nate?” He blurted out.

I sniffed and shook my head, “Wait - what? I never slept with Nate. He’s the one that kicked me out of the bar”

“So he was trying to…” Gerard started, but trailed off into his next sentence, “Jesus Christ. I’m such an idiot. All of this happened to you, and no one told because I was just so fixated on making you out to be this monster”

I was still trembling, now partially out of anger. I pointed to the sink, “Your coffee pot is overflowing”

“Oh” He mumbled, before running over to it and turning the knob off, “I’m not really in the mood for it anymore, anyway”

I tried to focus on my breathing - fidgeting my fingers down the side of my legs as I attempted to calm down.

He turned back to face me, “So you never cheated on me?”

“No!” I shouted, but quickly lowered my tone, “I can’t believe you would accuse me of that, again”

He anxiously chewed at his lip. Without thinking, I blurted out, “If you want full honesty - I always chose you, even when I was tempted”

He raised his eyebrow at me, “Tempted?”

I shrugged, “Regardless, I loved you, and I always put you first. It feels really shitty to have you question that”

“I’m sorry”, He started, dropping his focus to the floor, “I’m sorry for all of the accusations. For everything I’ve done to you”

I shivered, “I’m sorry, too”

“No - really”, He continued, “I never wanted you to leave. It’s not easy for me to trust people, and I know you deserve better. Things just became so serious, and I was so scared of losing you that I created…”

His voice trailed off, but he quickly picked it back up, “I created these thoughts in my head that weren’t fair to you. You’re someone I could see myself spending the rest of my life with - the only person I’ve ever pictured myself marrying, maybe even having a family with. I know this sounds insane… but I’ve never felt like that toward anyone”

I looked up at him, but he was still diverting eye contact. Before I could speak another word, he continued rambling, “You didn’t realize this - but you found me at the worst time in my life, and you saved me. I know you always credit me for saving you, but you have no idea how much you saved me”

I hitched a deep breath, trying to hold back tears - but by the next time I’d stuttered out a breath, tears began to pour down my cheeks. 

_ What the hell could I say back to that? _

He awkwardly inched closer to me, “Please don’t cry”

I couldn’t look up at him.  _ Everything seemed out of control. Things were finally happening between me and Mikey, but hearing his words… being close enough to take in the smell of his cologne…  _

_ I still loved him, too. But right now, I was plagued by the thought of Mikey’s lips… ones that brushed with mine this morning - a sweet taste that Gerard would be able to see through.  _

“I don’t think I know how to just go back where we left off”, I admitted, “I don’t know if anything would change”

He nodded his head, “I understand, I know I have to make this up to you. And I promise you, I will do that for you”

“Just” I mumbled, trying to collect my thoughts, “I don’t know. I think we need to give everything some time”

“Time” Gerard disappointedly echoed, “I can give you time”

I licked my lips, “Give  _ us  _ time. You brought up the idea of a future with me - but how could that ever happen in the state that we’re in?”

He shrugged.

“I’ve thought about all of that, too” I admitted, “But we both know that’s not the direction we were headed. If things were to continue, something has to change”

_ I wanted, so badly, to choke on my words and cave into Gerard’s pudgy arms; breathe deeply in the scent of his musky cologne that lingered for days on his skin… but I had to have willpower. _

_ WIllpower that went by the name of Mikey Way.  _

“You do?” Gerard chirped,  _ as if oblivious to anything I’d said after. _

I bit my lip and nodded my head at him. He looked giddy -  _ I could tell he was up to something; plotting his method of winning me back. As much as it hurt me, I couldn’t let myself succumb to it.  _

Gerard cleared his throat and turned back to face the sink, “I think I changed my mind. About coffee. I’m in the mood for coffee again. Do you want some?”

But before I could respond, Mikey’s voice echoed from behind me, “I’ll take some coffee!”

_ Suddenly, the air in the room felt heavy. How much of our conversation had he listened to?  _

I grabbed at my crutches and slid them under my armpits, ready to make a run for it. 

“Miranda?” Gerard asked, “Did you want some?”

“What?” I half-asked, but quickly regained situational awareness, “Coffee - no. I actually have a few things to catch up on”

Mikey stretched his arms in the air as he plopped himself into the seat next to me. With an entertained look on his face, he exclaimed, “What could you possibly be catching up on?”

His voice sounded confident -  _ amused.  _

_ Shit.  _

_ I knew he was toying with me now. I had to act fast.  _

“Sleep”, I snarled at him, pointing down at my leg, “I haven’t been getting a lot of it, with this pain”

Gerard couldn’t read the tension in the room, and instead interjected, “Maybe coffee will help?”

I gripped at the handles of my crutches and shook my head, “Thank you, but I’m gonna pass. Sleep will help more”

Before I could escape, Mikey’s eyes rolled over to Gerard as he blurted out, “Well, aren’t you going to help her up the stairs?”

I could feel my jaw clenching with anger and continued to inch toward the door. 

_ By now, it was clear to me that Mikey had heard more than I’d wanted him to. Fuck, I couldn’t do anything right - could I? _

“Right - right” Gerard stuttered as he set down his coffee pot, “Do you need help with that?”

_ Up until 10 minutes ago, Gerard didn’t even know the extent of my injury. _

“I can do it on my own” I growled at him.

Mikey shook his head and let out a loud cackle, “Yesterday I had to carry you up the stairs, Mir”

It only took Gerard a few steps to catch up with my slow pace, and inevitably he was quick to take Mikey’s jabs as a challenge.

“I can carry you”, He exclaimed, “If you need me to”

I closed my eyes and let out a loud sigh, “Why can’t you both just leave me alone? I can do it on my own!”


	34. Poison

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: This chapter quickly becomes NSFW

_Even if Gerard could carry my weight, I found myself craving longer arms by the name of Mikey Way. Someone whose arms were probably too angry to touch me now, anyway._

_I knew what I’d done. I’d dug my own grave of stubbornness, and now I had to face it on my own._

At the beginning, it was liberating. Each exhausting hop up onto the next stair made me feel free. I felt free - no longer dependent on the help of the Way brothers. 

I wanted to prove to them that I could make it up this one, short staircase by myself.

I plunged my crutches into the stair ahead of me and used the weight of my left leg to swing my body up another step. 

It was exhausting - but I was making progress. I repeated the action a few more times with only slight struggle, until I heard Mikey calling my name from the bottom.

I froze for a second, but continued my stride forward.

“You know, Mir. You’re a lot of things” I could hear Mikey laugh, “But you sure are stubborn”

Without thinking, I turned my body to face him and almost lost balance. In the process, my left crutch flew from underneath my armpit and tumbled down to Mikey. 

He caught it quickly, and I steadied myself up against the railing. 

“So, I’m one crutch down” I muttered, “I can still make it up these stairs”

Standing up for so long was starting to make me feel faint, but I was determined. With just one crutch gripped in my right hand, I grabbed at the railing and used it to try and levy myself up the next step. It worked - but it used up a lot more of my strength.

“Have you taken your aspirin yet?” Mikey asked.

Without turning around, I could already tell how close he was to me by the way goosebumps formed as each of his breaths hit the back of my neck. 

I ignored his question and kept trying to walk up, “I know, you think I’m some walking hazard”

“You are a walking hazard”, He quickly snapped back, “And you could make it a lot worse if you don’t take your medicine and end up with blood clots”

I unintentionally let out an angry growl as I pulled my body up another step. I was barely half up the stairs, and I could feel the color draining from my face. 

_I didn’t want to lose my feeling of liberation._

I weakly aimed my crutch ahead of me and pushed my body into it. This time, my aim was bad, and the crutch slipped against the corner of the step and fell from my hands. Luckily, I was able to keep my hold on the side of the railing.

Mikey’s cold fingers slid around my waist and scooped me up into the air. Without warning, he threw me over the side of his shoulder and started walking me up the rest of the stairs. 

Even though he was mindful enough to keep my aching thigh safe, I still tried to resist by weakly kicking at the air in front of us. 

“I don’t know why you’re being such a bitch”, Mikey groaned, “You can’t do this kind of shit without me”

His words stung. I knew it was time to suck in my pride - so I relaxed and let my body go weak into his arms.

“Where’d Gerard go?” I asked.

With arms still gripping me tight, he used the front of his knee to angrily kick my door open. I regretted my words as soon as they fell out of my mouth.

“You told him to leave you alone”, He breathily muttered, “So he did, like a lost puppy out the backdoor”

“I didn’t mean it like that”, I whined, “I just thought… if he saw you holding me, he’d be pissed at both of us”

“Yeah, how terrible”, Mikey sarcastically scoffed as he dropped me down onto my bed, “But don’t worry, I wasn’t holding you. I was just helping you up the stairs”

I took a deep breath. Hearing the hurt in his voice struck a chord in me, and I lowered my tone, “You were right. I was being crabby, and I’m sorry. I’m thankful you were there for me.”

“Don’t worry about it”, He groaned, “I don’t mind helping you out, but I’m fucking sick of being your second option”

I almost choked on my spit, “You’re not my second option”

“I heard it all, Mir” Mikey admitted, “You and Gerard want to have kids, want to get back together. This is exactly why I told you I didn’t wanna complicate things. I knew this was inevitable”

I shook my head, “No - if you heard anything, you heard me making up excuses for reasons not to go back to your brother. I was too busy thinking of being with you… and your lips”

“Hmm”, He scoffed, “Or you’re just saying that to keep me around.”

“Mikey!” I pleaded, “I wouldn’t do that to you. Haven’t I always been honest with you?”

He shrugged, “Maybe too honest, sometimes”

“Thank you”, I muttered, “You know I just got out of a serious relationship, and you know it’s impossible for me not to feel hurt by it”

He only nodded his head.

“I was there for you during your break up with Leslie, even though I had feelings for you the full time…”

“Yeah, but you had someone. You were with my brother and you really liked him. I never really like Leslie like that”

I rolled my eyes, “You and me both know that’s bullshit. More than once, I’ve found you crying over her”

“Maybe” He started, “But through most of my relationship, I always thought of you”

“I always thought of you, too” I admitted, “You were always so tempting”

“Then why did you always push me away?” He asked.

I took a deep breath, “Because I was committed to someone else and I didn’t want to hurt him. You know it was all just terrible timing”

He shrugged, “Yeah, I know. Stupid timing”

I closed my eyes. I was exhausted, but I wasn’t ready to give up the fight with him just yet.

“I have to be honest with you”, He muttered, “I’ve been hanging out with Leslie”

I quickly opened them back up and leaned myself up against my elbows, “What? For how long?”

“On and off”, He mumbled, “It’s nothing serious, but I just wanted you to know the truth”

“Alright”, I started, “Although the whole idea of it makes me nauseous, I can’t blame you for it. But - Leslie? Did my fake flirting work?”

He laughed, “Somewhat”

My throat hurt as the words came out of my mouth, “Do you love her?”

“What? Leslie? No!” He blurted out with laughter, “I’ve just been lonely”

My elbows went weak and I leaned back into the bed, “I can’t believe you hid that from me”

He sat down by my feet, “I’m sorry. But I really like how honest we are being with each other right now”

“God, we have just complicated all of this so much”, I groaned, “Why did we let it get this bad?”

He rubbed at my ankle, “I know. Sometimes I wish we could just start over”

“I know”, I giggled, “What I would do to relive those afternoons with you by the playground… It was so easy then.”

An awkward silence passed between us, but he continued to rub gently at my leg. 

“So, my lips?” He chuckled, “What’s so special about my lips?”

I could feel my face going red, and I licked at my own lips, “They just felt really good against mine”

“Yeah?” He asked, climbing his body over mine and dragging his hands over the sides of my curves, “You thought so?”

I could feel the goosebumps coming back as his head leaned parallel over mine. Close enough that I could feel each breath on my cheeks as he whispered, “Now you have me thinking of your lips, too”

I didn’t hesitate before pressing mine close against his. As I pulled back, I whispered, “Before anything else - what does any of this mean?”

But his lips were intoxicating, and as soon as I finished my sentence, our lips were glued back to each other. Eventually, he pulled away for a brief second and whispered back, “Let’s set some ground rules”

It was hard to think now - but I wanted to hear him out.

“Like what?” I moaned, between kisses.

“Well for starters” He whispered, continuing to slide his hands up and down the sides of my hips, “I want to do this as much as I want. And maybe - I even want to do more”

“More?!” I both pleaded and asked at the same time.

His finger made their way down the front of my shorts and stopped to pulsate slow against the outside of panties, “Things like this”

My body trembled at his touch and I let out a quiet moan.

“Mmm” He groaned between kisses, “That’s exactly what I want. But - if we’re going to do this, I want to start slow”

“No”, I begged, “Faster, please”

He smirked, “I mean between us. I don’t want us to rush into a failing relationship just because we’re both lonely. I want us to work our way there”

 _Thinking was impossible now._ I grabbed for his pants and tugged on them to come down. 

He moved his hand underneath my panties and slid his finger inside of me. _He was in control._

“How does that sound to you?” He smirked, enthralled by my reactions to his touch.

I pulsed my body toward his hand and barely managed to moan out, “I want that, too”

He moved his finger faster inside of me, “Anymore ground rules?”

“I want to keep this secret, for now” I whispered, “For everyone”

I could feel my body getting closer to orgasm, and I tried to hold back - I didn’t want it to stop. Mikey’s touch was everything I thought it would be - and more. 

“You’re so wet” He whispered into my ear, “Do you like that, or something?”

I bit at my lip to try and hold back, but I couldn’t - and within seconds, I could feel my veins pulsating with dopamine. 

“Good girl”, He muttered, sliding his hands to the side of my waist and pulling down at my panties, “But I’m not done with you yet”

His lips pressed back against mine as he pulled his pants down, and within seconds I could feel his hard cock pressed up against me.

“Ugh” I groaned, “Can you just fuck me already?”

He had a sheepish smile on his face. _This was another side of Mikey that I didn’t expect, and I never had the pleasure of experiencing._

_Our heads were in the gutter now - we couldn’t talk about our relationship, or anything serious now. His lips were a poison - sweet and intoxicating. His body was the forbidden fruit that I’d never allowed myself to indulge; but now here I was, alone and in his arms._


	35. TOUR

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're wondering where a chapter went - I merged two chapters together, but the story remains the same. After looking back at it, I realized it made the most sense. Also - if you have read this far into the story, thank you so much.

“So”, Mikey started, pulling his pants back up over his ankles, “You want us to be a secret, huh?”

I could feel blood rushing to my cheeks, and I shifted my body on the bed to face him, “I don’t know if those words came out right. You asked me when I couldn’t really think”

Mikey smirked, “I know what you’re saying. Rushing into things won’t look good for either of us”

My leg began to ache from twisting it over my side, and I rolled onto my back, “Fuck, I really liked that”

Mikey licked his lips and sat back down beside me, “Mmm, so did I”

I stared up at the ceiling, “So - let’s have that talk while I can think. What are we doing?”

“You don’t remember the ground rules?”, He chuckled, “I’m your dirty little secret who gets to do that whenever he wants”

I laughed, “And we’re taking it slow, I remember”

“Mir” He sighed, “As amazing as that was, I think it’s too early for either of us to commit to something serious right now.”

I could feel my stomach drop with disappointment, but I knew he was right. _Why the fuck did he always have to be right?_

“As long as ‘not being serious’ still means I get to do things like that with you”, I deflected, attempting to roll back onto my side and face him, “I’m not going to argue”

“Okay”, He hesitantly muttered as he wrapped his arm back around my waist, “But I think it’s something we could work towards”

I snuggled my body closer into him, “If you don’t want to be together, what was the point of making ground rules, anyway?”

“It’s a start”, He closed his eyes and mumbled, “We both have our own shit to get through. Maybe when I’m not so tired, we can actually talk about this more, but-”

He cut himself off with a loud yawn, and I could feel his body quivering into a stretch as he continued, “Right now I just want to fall asleep with you in my arms”

I kissed him on the cheek and fluttered my eyes shut. Everything felt bittersweet - and after all, _when would I ever be able to kiss him like this again?_

Part of me melted into the warmth of his arms, internally swooning over how adorable his voice sounded when he was sleepy. But the other part of me felt let down - broken by the concept of not being able to finally solidify our relationship. 

I wanted to call him “mine”, but deep down I knew that everything he was saying warranted good reasoning. 

_I was stubborn and over-emotional._

But stubborn as I was, I was also exhausted - and the feeling of being held between his arms turned my brain to mush. Within seconds my body relaxed into a much needed deep sleep.

* * *

I woke up alone in my bed. Mikey must have snuck out sometime between - _What time was it anyway?_

I stretched my arms above me as I hobbled out of bed to grab for my crutches. 

_8pm. I’d slept another day away._

As I walked into the hallway,I was greeted by darkness. There was no sign of either Way brother - not even a smidge of light peeking from either of their bedroom doors. Everything was quiet and dark.

As I hopped down the stairs, my thoughts were overtaken by the ticking of the living room clock - something I normally wouldn’t pay much mind to. But each tick only served as a reminder to how empty this house felt - both a lonely and liberating feeling at the same time.

It was much easier to use my butt and drag myself down, step by step. Cheating - of course, but it made me feel a bit more safe. 

When I reached the bottom of the stairs, the darkness of the house only seemed to solidify its emptiness. There were no dishes in the sink, the fan above the kitchen island was off, and each cushion on the couch was cold. 

I could almost envision the ghost memories of Gerard cooking me breakfast under that fan, and Mikey sickly resting his head into my shoulder on those cushions. This foul nostalgia that crept up on me and made me yearn for much simpler times. 

_Rationally - how would Gerard ever forgive me for falling for his brother? And how could Mikey every fully accept my love after the amount of times I’d pushed his away?_

Just a few months prior, everything was simple. Mikey still remembered me as his best friend from childhood, and Gerard wasn’t so scared to leave me alone.

_Speaking of - here I was, alone. Maybe this was some sort of sign. When was the last time the two of them ever actually left me here without them?_

I knew as I was doing them, my poor choices would have led me to this inevitable fate. A fate that presented itself as an open-ended possibility, but wasn’t actually opened at all.

Because, as fucked up as it sounded, I still loved and hurt for Gerard. But the whole time I was with him, I was also thinking of his little brother - who I was now willing to give my all for.

Gerard mentioned the idea of starting a family with me, making me his forever - and I wonder if he was still thinking about it as I let his brother stick his fingers inside of me.

But we were both single now, and lord knows what Gerard has done without me. How many times Mikey may have been hooking up with Leslie since the last time I saw him in my bed?

“None of us would ever trust each other again”, I whispered to myself as I rubbed my hand over the top of the couch, pacing back and forth, trying to rationalize a further dialogue in my head.

_A dialogue where I justify my actions by calling myself stubborn, clumsy, with no malicious intent. A dialogue where I think of how much I miss the smell of Gerard’s musky cologne as he embraced me with his pudgy arms. And a final dialogue where I’m swooning over my best friend Mikey’s sarcastic smile._

Was it a dialogue - or a self created prophecy? For me to fall in love so deeply and lose them both at the same time? 

I laid down on the couch and cuddled under a blanket. The silence was strange and it made me think too much, but I was starting to enjoy it.

_Maybe I could even -_

The door loudly swung open and interrupted my thoughts. Mikey, Gerard, Frankie, Bob, and Ray came piling in behind it. 

“Miranda!” Gerard sang as he ran over to me. I could tell he was drunk by the footing of his steps, “Miranda we have the best news!”

I sat up to face him and wiped the crusties out of my eyes, “Yeah?”

“We’re going on tour!”, He exclaimed before forcing a sloppy kiss on my cheek.

In a haze, I wiped the wetness off of my face with the back of my hand and sat up, “Are you serious?”

Gerard nodded his head like a child with a new toy, “And we’re celebrating tonight, for one of the last nights at this dump before we get to travel the world!”

I could feel my pupils dilate and I looked around the room in search of Mikey - who was already watching me from the distance. Our eyes quickly met, and I shot him a look of desperation.

A few more people began to pool in from the front door. Gerard took a swig from an uncapped whisky bottle and held it up to me, “You drinking with us?”

“She can’t drink”, Mikey barged in, “She should probably be taking her aspirin, though”

I jokingly scrunched my nose at him as if I were about to throw a tantrum, but he brought me back to reality with a single wink. 

“Did you hear, though?” Gerard slurred, “We’re GOING ON TOUR!?”

The rest of the band let out a loud cheer at the sound of his words, and with his whisky bottle held high above his head, he disappeared into the newly formed crowd. 

“So - you’re leaving me again?” I asked Mikey.

He let out a cackle, “No way in hell. You’re coming with us. How does it feel to be our first groupie?”

I jumped to my feet, “You want me to come along with you?!”

“Mir! Think of all of the amazing and shitty hotels we get to stay in”, He started with a big smile, “All of the cool places and people we’re going to meet. Fuck yeah, I want you to come along. In fact, I don’t even want to do it without you”

My chest felt tight, “When are we going?”

“In a few weeks”, He laughed, “Are you ready for it?”

I wanted to pull him into the biggest hug, but I also wanted to oblige by our ground rules. Luckily for me, it was easy to do - as Leslie appeared behind Mikey and toyed with the top of his hair, “You have another groupie. Frank’s bringing me along, too”

Without turning around to face her, he shot me a displeasing glance before saying, “No way. What a tool.”

I leaned back into the couch and pulled the blanket over my head. This was too much excitement for me to be so sober for. 

Mikey quickly ruined my fun by grabbing the blanket off of my head and exclaiming, “What the fuck are you doing?”

I tried to grab back at it, but he quickly whisked the full thing off of me and threw it across the room, “You can hide, sleep - whatever you were doing later. Come celebrate with us. I’ll get you some soda.”

I let out an aggravated moan, followed by a defeated, “Fine”.

As he disappeared into the kitchen, Leslie sat down on the cushion beside me, “Why are you on crutches, you poor thing?”

Although being next to her made me feel slightly uncomfortable, I played along, “I broke my femur”

She let out a chuckle, “Fuck, and they’re still letting you bring your clumsy ass on tour with them?”

“I think I’d be worse off without them”, I admitted. _It felt weird to say out loud._

“And plus, I don’t even know what going on tour with them entitles” I started, “This is the first I’ve heard of it”

“Oh honey”, She patted at my thigh as an attempt to console me, “Gerard doesn’t tell you a lot, does he?”

I bit at my lip - slightly too hard, and licked at it to try and taste the blood, “I guess he doesn’t”

_She had no idea of anything._

“I’m not surprised”, She laughed, “Frank’s been telling me this may be coming for weeks”

I raised my eyebrow, “They’ve known about this for weeks?”

“Well, they’ve been trying to get the sign off for weeks”, She laughed, “But it’s shitty they haven’t kept you in the loop. I’ll have to be the one to keep you up to date”

I swallowed hard, “I mean - in the last few weeks I got lost in the woods, broke my femur, stayed in the hospital and now have had them taking care of me. I understand them forgetting to tell me”

“Are you serious?” She almost choked on her drink, “All of that happened to you?”

I nodded my head, “It’s been hell, honestly”

_Tonight I was starting to tolerate her. I could see why Mikey liked her - she was kind hearted and easy to talk to._

“I think Mikey’s coming back”, She whispered, “And I have to go to the lady's room. You should come with me”

 _I knew this was a thing that girl’s usually do, but I’ve never had any to experience it with._ I nodded my head and hobbled behind her.

She locked the door behind us and actually sat on the toilet. I did my best to not look over at her as she peed. Instead, I focused on my own reflection in the mirror and tried to clean my face up.

“Something’s going on with you and Gerard, huh?” She asked, flushing the toilet behind her and pulling down her dress.

“Well.. we aren’t really together anymore”, I muttered.

Her lips formed into a shocked “O” as she brushed in front of me to wash her hands under the sink, “When did this happen?”

I shrugged and leaned up against the wall, “Pretty recently, honestly”

She turned her back to the sink to face me, “Come on! You gotta tell me! I won’t tell anyone. Besides, I have some shit to tell you. Oh god, the only two girls in the middle of all of these guys. How the hell haven’t we become good friends sooner?”

I chucked and caved in, “You want the long version or the short version?”

“Oooh”, she squealed, “The long version”

“Well - I’m going to give you the medium version” I laughed, “Otherwise we’d be here all day. Promise not to get mad at me for this?”

She put her hand over her mouth, “You and Mikey, huh?”

My cheeks went red. She shook her head and quickly corrected herself, “Don’t worry. Me and Mikey are over, I’m not mad at you for whatever you’re going to tell me.”

I grit my teeth together, contemplating on how much I should let her in on. After formulating the non-incriminating version in my mind, I started, “I’m sure he’s told you, but I’ve known Mikey my whole life. He’s always been my best friend. Part we’re kinda shy on, is that he was also my first kiss”

She licked her lips, “You didn’t have to tell me that for me to figure it out though. I know how he looks at you.”

“Well.. Yeah, that’s a big part of it”, I started, “He moved away, and before I reconnected with him, I met Gerard. I really fell for Gerard, but when Mikey came in things became complicated…”

“Holy shit”, she blurted out, “This makes so much sense. I need to hear ALL of this”

“We both had feelings for each other, but I kept them in for the sake of Gerard. Gerard picked up on this, and for some reason he kept accusing me of cheating on him - even when I wasn’t. It was just too much, too much fighting”

“Yeah but Gerard is in love with you”, She started, audibly chewing on a new stick of gum, “You could win him back. Easy.”

“I’m not so sure if I want to anymore” I admitted, “This is my first chance I’ve had with Mikey. But I don’t think he really wants anything more than… well you know”

“To fuck?” She asked, extending me a piece of gum, “Oh I know, he tries it on me too, all the time.”

My eyes went wide and I grabbed for the gum, “Really?”

She blurt out into laughter, “Girl, I know. He’s such a slut. But he’s pretty good in bed, isn’t he?”

I cleared my throat, “What do you mean?”

She continued to laugh, “Oh god, you HAVE slept with him!”

I shrugged, “You really think it’s that much of a bad thing?”

“All I know is that Mikey was terrible to me when we were together. I finally found Frankie, and now Mikey’s still always creeping around and… oh my god. We’re both sleeping with him, aren’t we?”

Even though I’d heard it from him, hearing it from her crushed me, “I just never thought of him like that”

“Girl.. I’d be careful with that”, She warned, “I don’t know if Mikey’s capable of being serious”

I shrugged, “I don’t know if I am either. But, it’s just where we both ended up. You really think he’s just some player?”

She pressed her lips together and nodded her head, “Yeah. He’s really good in bed, and he knows it”

“Okay - maybe you’re right”, I giggled, “But fuck. Now you have my head all fucked up”

“Really”, She laughed, “Why the fuck haven’t we talked like this sooner? I need a friend like you”

“I need someone to tell me the fucking truth” I muttered, “Thank you for that”

She smiled at me, “You want me to do your makeup too? Maybe it will make you feel a little better?”

My crusty eyes went wide, “Yes - please”

She smiled at me and dug through her purse, only to pull out a surprising amount of makeup, “I don’t even know where to begin”

I took a deep breath, “It’s not that bad, is it?”

She shook her head and began to paint on some concealer, “Now you look awake! Next - we’ll give you eyebrows! And color!”

“Are you still fucking Mikey?” I asked, as she began to draw on eyeliner over the lids of my eyes.

She laughed, “Why - do you want me to stop?”

I shook my head, “That’s up to you”

“We should get him to do a three sum”, She joked.

I took a deep breath, curious now, “What would Frank say?”

She shrugged, “Nothing if no one tells him”

As she continued to pat red lipstick over my lips, she turned to me, “I'm only joking though. Are you into girls?”

I could feel my cheeks burning with embarrassment, "I've never really said it out loud - but yeah. Guys, too"

“Cool”, she smiled, “Me too. Made making out with you last time… pretty easy”

I blushed, “I hadn’t thought of it that way”

“You look hot tonight”, She said as she closed her lipstick and buried it back into her purse, “Let’s show them who they’re touring with”

\--

I stumbled out of the bathroom with a tad more confidence, and my strange new friend Leslie by my side. Mikey stood by the couches with a perplexed look on his face. 

"Wow look at you", He laughed, stretching his hand out to hand me the soda, "You got all dolled up. To celebrate our tour?!"

I chuckled to myself, still ill-at ease from my conversation with Leslie. As I grabbed for the soda, I could feel his gaze scan me up and down. 

I knew it would be impossible to stifle the way he made me feel after all of this time, and I desperately wanted to prove Leslie wrong. _But maybe she saw a side of him that I couldn't._


	36. I'm not okay

As I took my first sip of soda, Leslie elbowed my arm, forcing it to splash up all over my hand. Through the side of her mouth, she whispered, “Who’s that cutie? He keeps looking up over at us”

I wiped at the droplets of soda and looked on-ward into the swarm of people, only to quickly look away as I met icy blue eyes.

“Nate”, I mumbled under my breath, “What the hell is he doing here?”

Leslie let out a giggle, “You know him?”

“Sort of”, I hesitated, “He's just a bartender at this place I frequent…”

“Bartender, eh?” She licked her lips and crossed her arms, “You don’t mind if I go talk to him, do you?”

I quickly shook my head, “No… Why would I-”

“Act natural”, She cut me off, “It looks like he’s coming over here”

Mid-swallow, I tensed up and bit at the edge of my cup, “It’s really not what it looks like, Leslie”

“Uh-huh”, She teased, winking at me before exclaiming, “I need to get another drink, anyway”

I could feel my face throbbing with embarrassment. Seeing him triggered rough memories that hurt my throat as I tried to swallow them down. _What the hell was he doing here, anyway?_

By the time I looked back up, Leslie had already disappeared into the crowd of people, leaving me alone with my glass of virgin coca cola.

“Hey, Miranda” Nate greeted me.

I darted my eyes to the other side of the room, “Hey, Nate. What are you doing here?”

“Mikey invited me”, He chuckled, “Practically begged me, really. He’s probably become the most annoying regular - and it’s all thanks to you”

I awkwardly brushed my fingers through the side of my head, “Oh, yeah. That’s strange. Sorry about that…”

He sniffed and took a sip of his drink, “Listen, I’m not trying to make this awkward for you. Just came over to see how you’ve been”

“I’m getting better every day”, I muttered, “Thanks for asking”

“Glad to hear that”, He started, “It was, uhm, really scary to find you like that. I feel guilty. I should have made sure you got home safe”

“Don’t feel guilty”, I blurted out, “It’s completely my fault. I was terrible to you that night”

“Yeah”, He shrugged, “But you were having a bad night, and I was depriving you of your alcohol. I know I was the villain”

I blinked my eyes in shock and could feel the left one twitching slightly out of stress, “Nate, you were not the villain in any of this. Thank you for everything you did for me”

He took another sip of his drink, “No problem”

A warm arm wrapped around my shoulders, startling me into a small jump that made my wrists go weak. Without thinking about it, I loosened my grasp on my crutches and quickly felt my right knee buckle with pain. Instead of falling, the arm tightened around my chest and kept me afloat, but my crutches crashed beside me and into the carpet.

As Nate rushed to the floor to collect my crutches, the voice behind me chuckled, “Jesus, Mir. You really are a walking hazard”

_I knew exactly who it was. I should have recognized the smell of his shampoo before I heard his voice._

I grabbed my crutches from Nate and stepped back, “Mikey - What are you doing?”

“Just saying hello”, Mikey smirked, “Leslie told me I’d find you two here, together”

I squinted my eyes into a disapproving glare, mouthing the words, “Ground rules?!”

Mikey shrugged my words off and shot me a sheepish smile, before diverting his focus onto Nate, “Glad you could make it tonight, man. How are you enjoying the party so far?”

_Oh god. Mikey was already wasted._

I took another step back, trying to quietly disappear into the abyss of people.

“It’s a lot of fun”, Nate started, visibly uncomfortable by Mikey’s blatant jealousy, “Thanks for having me”

I inched back further. Part of me felt guilty for trying to pawn off a drunk Mikey onto Nate, but I knew I had to get out of there before things got out of control -

“Running from me?” Mikey jokingly snapped his finger at me, “Where do you think you’re going?”

I faked a smile, “To the bathroom”

* * *

_My escape plan?_

_I knew making it up the stairs and into my room was far from the realm of possibilities. I felt uncomfortable - embarrassment eating away at my skin when I thought of Nate. Aside from how terrible he’d seen me, he knew my entire story._

_What would he think seeing Mikey wrap his arm around my neck? And at what point did he become such good friends with Mikey and Gerard that he would end up in our living room, with a drink in his hand? Wasn’t he supposed to be the one serving us?_

Walking through a pool of people with crutches had perks; I felt like Moses - parting the crowd with their pity as I stumbled through it.

_And what the fuck was Mikey doing? Drunk or not - he was going against one of the few ground rules we’d created. Had Leslie been intentionally poisoning his mind with bullshit? Was she poisoning mine by painting him as a slimy womanizer?_

_Is this what I get from trusting anyone other than myself?_

Lost in thought trying to make it to the back door, my shoulder brushed against Gerard’s. He perked up at the sight of me, “Hey”

_It was too much. I was overwhelmed. My chest felt tight. I couldn’t breathe. Oh god, I -_

My next breath stuttered out a stream of waterworks. His expression dropped to a look of concern and he lowered his head to meet my eyes, “What’s going on?”

I closed my eyes and tried to swallow the tears back, “Nothing is ever going to be okay”

He rested his hand on my shoulder in an attempt to console me, “Did something happen?”

“I make everyone around me fucking crazy” I blurted out, “I’m fucking crazy. Look at me, already bringing down this night of celebration - that no one fucking told me about until a few minutes ago”

His eyebrows lowered into confusion, “I wanted to tell you. We weren’t talking-”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry” I muttered out between hyperventilations, “You’re not the one I should be mad at”

His face fell flat, “What happened between you and Mikey?”

“That’s not”, I started, then let out an exaggerated “Urgh!” before storming out the back door. 

I curled up into a ball on the grass - hidden and balling my eyes out into arms that were propped up against my knees. 

“Miranda!”, Gerard yelled as he stormed out of the back door, desperately searching for me. I kept quiet, but it didn’t take long for him to spot me, “I know I said I would stop. That’s not what I meant by it - I’m drunk…”

“It’s okay, Gerard” I struggled to catch my breath, “I deserved it”

He shook his head, “You didn’t. You’re not the crazy one, sugar. It’s all me”

“I’m just bad karma”, I giggled through tears, “Everyone around me turns into a monster, and I know it’s all my fucking fault”

“You really think you have that much power?” Gerard smirked as he put his arm around me and pulled me into a side hug, “I was fucking crazy before you met me, babe”

I let out another laugh and buried my head back into my knees, trying to steady my breathing. 

“Whenever I start crying”, I started but stopped to stutter in a sharp breath, “I can’t stop - even if I want to”

“I’m well aware”, He rubbed at my back, “It’s all gonna be okay, you know that right?”

I shrugged my lips, “It doesn’t feel it. I feel like an emotional wreck all of the time. I don’t know how to be normal, I-”

“Normal?!” He laughed, “No one wants you to be fucking normal”

I stuttered in another sharp breath of air.

“I know what you’re saying, though” He continued, “I feel the same way sometimes”

I lifted my head from my hands, “You do?”

“Of course I do”, He soothed, “I think we all do. No one knows what they’re doing. No one knows what normal is. Hell, I…”

He shook his head, “Nevermind”

“No” I continued, “What?”

He took a deep breath, “You remember that first day we met?”

I nodded my head, “Of course”

“I had a plan”, He started, “Before you fell into me. I wasn’t going to let myself live through the night”

_I was at a loss for words._

“And then you fell into me”, He continued, “It was like the universe literally threw me a bone - some type of bizarre ammo to stay alive. But it’s not like I stopped feeling shitty. I’m sure you’ve seen how I try to mask my emotions with copious amounts of alcohol…”

My breathing had finally returned to normal, “How the fuck did meeting me have that much of an effect on you?”

“You know, you always call Mikey your best friend”, He started, “But aside from everything, you’re my best friend. You’ve been here for me even when you didn’t know you were”

My lips perked up into a smile, “You’re my best friend, too, Gerard. You’ve literally saved my life…”

“What did I tell you?” He tightened his arm around me, “We’re even”

I let out a deep breath and turned to face him, “So - you’re going on fucking tour, huh?! You sure you want me to come with you?”

He scrunched his nose with excitement, “Right? Holy fuck, it’s not real. I’m gonna need you there.”


	37. Tragedy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: GRAPHIC VISUALS OF RAPE AND VIOLENCE

The back door swung open with a screech loud enough to halt our conversation. Before I could even lift my head, I knew whose shoes were clunking in our direction. _Although I couldn’t rationalize why._

As I finally looked up, all of my suspicions were confirmed - and I could see Leslie sprinting toward us. Ill at ease over being caught alone with Gerard, I quickly slid my butt to the right, inching further away from him. Although, it was too late. She’d already laid eyes on us.

“Miranda!” She exclaimed, keeling over toward her knees as she tried to catch her breath, “I’ve been looking for you. We need to talk, it really wasn’t what you think it was!”

I grit my teeth together and hesitantly peered up at her, “What do you mean?”

She snapped her face toward Gerard, and I unknowingly followed suit. His cheeks turned red and pupils grew wide with fear.

“You mind if we have a few minutes alone?” She growled at him. 

Without moving his head, he darted his eyes back over to me for confirmation. I bit my lip and stared back at him - internally debating if I actually wanted to be alone with her. 

She cleared her throat and aggressively eyeballed him, causing him to release his pride and jump to his feet. With just a second of hesitation, he looked back at me and muttered, “Alright. You know where to find me if you need anything…”

Instinctively, I patted the ground next me in search of a drink to ease the awkward tension - but the grass was empty, and dirt crumbled between my fingers as reality set in. _Tonight I had to be sober._

Leslie hopped beside me and sat on her knees, eagerly looking up - as if she were waiting for Gerard to fully disappear into the house. He was as hesitant as me, but I was curious. _I’d hear her out._

“I didn’t do what you think I did”, She mumbled under her breath, “He took it the wrong way - I’ve been searching all over for you. I can’t imagine what you think of me right now”

Gerard finally entered the rest of the party, unintentionally slamming the door closed with the same screech. I let out a small chuckle before turning to face Leslie, “You mean to tell me that you didn’t tell Mikey I was talking to Nate in an attempt to make me look bad?”

She breathed in quickly and rapidly shook her head, “No - I really didn’t! He asked where you were and I pointed. He immediately took it the wrong way. I promise!”

Still suspicious of her intentions, I let out a sigh. Her tone sounded genuine, but I knew it could be a deflection of the perfect ammo to steal Mikey away from me.

“It’s not a big deal”, I diverted, “These guys get so possessive of me, anyway”

 _My diversion worked._ She let out a sigh of relief and chuckled lightly, “Right? And what the hell were you doing out here, alone with Gerard?”

I took another deep inhale through my nose. _She caught me, there was no point in pretending anymore._

“I don’t even know”, I admitted, “I lost my shit and he was there for me. That’s all.”

“Wo-ow”, She laughed, “Well aren’t you a lucky girl? You have both Mikey and Gerard by the wing!”

 _It sounded so much worse outloud._ I quickly shook my head, “It’s not… entirely like that. It’s strange, because deep down it doesn’t feel like it’s over with him.”

“What really happened between you two, anyway?” She asked, “Every time I saw you, you both looked so in love! I’m not buying this whole ‘his jealousy drove me away’ story. How could you not love a man who would fight for you to be his?”

“He fought with me” I corrected her, “I don’t know. We were in love. I told you the jist of it…”

She looked off into the distance, “You think you two can make things work again?”

I shrugged, “I don’t know”

She pushed up off from her knees and extended her hand out to me, “You wanna forget about all of this and go back to celebrate with them?”

I licked my lips, “I’m too sober for this shit”

“C’mon!” She pleaded, shaking her hand in front of me, “There’s no way either of them are enjoying a moment of it without you there”

I rolled my eyes, “I’ll meet you in there. I just need sometime to think out here”

“Fine”, She smirked, “But I better you see in there at some point tonight”

* * *

I awoke without opening my eyes, to warm breathing against my cheek. My legs quivered into a stretch, rubbing against damp grass as they curled away from me. 

The air was slightly colder than earlier, but it remained humid. For some reason, I was exhausted - something I could only blame on this shitty injury. And of course, something only I would do; fall asleep, sober, in the backyard while everyone was inside having fun.

Subconsciously, I reached above me to lengthen my stretch - but before my arms could quiver into it, something cuffed at my wrists.

As my eyes fluttered open, a palm covered my mouth. I tried to contort my body away from it, but a man stood over me, clutching his legs over my knees and pushing deep into my wound. The pain felt sharp and electric, but his palm muffled my screams.

“Well, well, well”, The male slurred, pulling down at the sides of my leggings, “She’s awake”

With my wrists now free, I attempted to throw them at the assailant - but he pushed his body weight sharper into my wound, keeling me over with agonizing pain. 

_He had to be someone I knew - someone that knew I was injured. Someone that -_

His dick was out - I could feel it hard against my thigh. I tried to yell for help, but even the most blood curdling scream I could let out sounded like pressurized air and mouse squeaks against his palm.

Everything was fuzzy, dizzy - I wasn’t usually this tired. _Had I been drugged?_

I felt weak and helpless as he forced himself inside of me. My throat felt raw and my cheeks radiated with pain as I tried to force out sound. Oddly enough, my eyes stayed dry. It was as if I was too traumatized to cry - too used to tragedy to feel any more emotions.

_Was this the life I had created for myself? Was I cursed? Was this karma?_

I closed my eyes and tried to concentrate on anything else - the way my nails pierced my palm as I tightened them into a fist, the way my tongue danced around the top of my mouth - anything to stop concentrating on the way he pushed my hips against the ground.

I tried to relax my abdomen, but it kept trying to flex and fight back. _Were seconds passing, or were they hours?_

_The more I thought, the more I - holy fuck. I knew his voice. I knew my rapist’s voice._

_That stupid, slimy excuse for a bartender…_

_Nate…_

_\--_

By the time he was done, I didn’t know if I’d ever open my eyes again. Somehow, in the span of however long it took him soil my insides, no one had noticed. 

My body felt weak - my legs ached, my privates burned, my hips felt bruised, and my tongue felt dry. Even after I heard his last footsteps crumble through the leaves, I didn’t know if I could ever muster the energy to stand up again. 

I pulled my leggings back up over my hips and turned to my side. _He’d moved my crutches to the other side of the backyard._

_Did he like to see me struggle? Was he aroused when he saw me in the forest? Did he want me to die?_

_Because I did. Right now, I wanted to die._


	38. Apathy

The backdoor squealed behind me as I slammed my crutches on the hardwood flooring. I pushed through the crowd with unsteady knees, apathetic at the thought of crushing anyone’s toes with my sticks. _I didn’t care anymore about anyone or anything - just as the world felt about me._

I turned my head and scanned the room, desperately searching for at least one of the Way brothers. Mikey’s hazel eyes collided with mine first, and with a sigh of relief I stumbled in his direction - trying hard not to capsize as I made my way over to him.

“Mikey”, I slurred, collapsing my arms around him, “Mikey, please help me!”

Overwhelmed by my sloppiness, he set his drink on a shelf behind him, quickly grabbing for the handles of my crutches as he pulled me into a hug, “You been drinking?”

I’d used the last of my energy to find him, and through bright-red cheeks of embarrassment, I tried to hide my light-headedness. But it was no use, and instead of holding it in, my body let loose and I fell forward into his arms.

I could feel his arms shaking from how tightly he was holding me up. 

“You know, you shouldn’t be drinking” He scolded me, “With everything you’re taking. We have talked about this. Why would you do this to yourself?”

Luckily for him, Gerard caught a glimpse of Mikey struggling to juggle my almost-limp body and pushed through the crowd of people to help us out.

“What the hell happened?” Gerard growled.

“Grab her arm”, Mikey instructed Gerard, “Put your shoulder under her neck and I’ll do the same. She can barely stand, let’s get her to the couch”

Without my consent, my body was getting thrown around again - even though it was just Mikey and Gerard’s arms pushed up close against me, it made me feel sick. But I had no choice - I’d be on floor if it weren’t for them.

“Is she sick?” Gerard asked, his shoulder leaning roughly into my arm as they moved me.

“I don’t think so” Mikey started, now visibly winded, “I think she’s drinking”

I had to get a word in, even if they couldn’t understand a word I was saying, “No twaszn’t drinking…”

I could feel Gerard’s chest tighten at the thought, as he stuttered in a gasp of air before suggesting “She’s using again, isn’t she?”

Mikey regretfully shut his eyes for a second and mumbled, “Fuck, I don’t know. She just fell on me. Where the hell has she been?”

“I saw her outside a few hours ago” Gerard admitted, “Left her with Leslie”

“Yeah, but Leslie’s been inside for hours now” Mikey muttered.

“Guide her down slowly” Gerard exclaimed, attempting to take the lead on my newest rescue mission, “Do you think we should get her .. help?”

“Raped”, I choked out, “Drugged. I was raped”

My words must have been at least somewhat legible, because without hesitation, Gerard completely let go of my arm - leaving me to dangle over the couch by the mere hold of Mikey’s hand.

“What did you just say?” Gerard shouted

I could feel myself dozing out of consciousness, and with a deep breath, I struggled out another word to make sure he understood, “Raped”

Mikey continued to glide me down, but I could see the color draining from his face. 

Gerard’s eyes boiled with rage, and in a tone loud enough to spin everyone’s head in our direction, he shouted, “Who did it?”

“Shh”, Mikey elbowed him, quietly mumbling, “You think we should call someone? Before we spook em’?”

I could see Nate eyeballing me from across the room - standing smugly with his perfectly combed hair and icy blue eyes. Our eyes met, and he shot me a haunting wink that sent goosebumps up my spine. 

_It was the perfect crime - I knew exactly how it looked. Like I was the relapsing junkie spewing nonsense, and he was the unexpecting hero that helped save my life._

_Of course he’d stay here, blend in, develop alibis. Who would suspect him? Who would believe me?_

“Who?!” Gerard growled, his hands anxiously rubbing against the side of his jeans.

_Gerard would believe me. He had to._

I raised my heavy arm and pointed toward Nate. His eyes dropped in the other direction and he quickly engaged in conversation with a blonde girl standing next to him.

“Nate?” Mikey laughed, “There’s no way it was Nate”

I cleared my throat and grabbed at the corner of Mikey’s t-shirt, forcing him to lower his head so he could make out my whispers, “It was Nate - he drugged me, took off my panties and held me down, muffled my screams with his palm, and fucked me as I tried to kick him away”

Mikey looked horrified, and the only thing he could mumble out of his mouth was, “Are you serious?”

No longer holding back, I nodded my head. Within seconds, he vanished to the other side of the room, displaying the most horrifying visual I’d seen in my life. Mikey ran toward him, kicking his feet to the floor and holding them down by the strength of his knees as he began to lay his fists into Nate’s face.

Gerard quickly darted over, presumably to pull Mikey away - but after witnessing an exchange of words that I couldn’t make out, Gerard took the lead and pulled Mikey off of Nate.

But it wasn’t to stop the fight. Now, Gerard was on top of Nate, punching him a few times before gripping his bloody hands around Nate’s throat. Nate gasped for air like a fish out of water until Gerard released his grip and stepped away from him. 

Nate remained on the ground gasping for air, with a swollen eye and a bloody nose. 

Most of the party had already dispersed at the sight of them, leaving Mikey, Gerard, Leslie, Frank, Nate, and myself alone in the living room.

I could feel my stomach starting to turn and flipped on to my side, spitting up chunks over the side of the couch. 

Mikey stepped away from the fight and walked back over to me, shaking with pools of blood dripping off of his finger tips. 

“She needs a doctor” Leslie shouted, lightly grabbing Mikey’s shoulder from behind as she got closer to me, “She could have been drugged with anything”

The flash of blue and red lights illuminated the driveway and reflected into the windows. Gerard scattered to his feet, perked up his posture, and ran to open the front door. 

Two officers greeted him on the front porch. I couldn’t hear a word of their conversation, but I could see their eyes darting around the living room, trying to take in the logistics of the scene.

Mikey flinched Leslie’s arm away and quickly tried to wipe the blood onto the sides of his pants - but it was no use, his fingertips were stained and his grey shirt was covered.

Frank appeared next to Leslie, and I could hear him mumble, “You wanna get out of here?”

She looked back at me for a second as she contemplated her decision, but quickly grabbed for his hand and nodded her head. 

I watched Gerard step back from the door to let the officers in. One of them ran over to Nate and the other followed Gerard to me. 

I told the short officer with light brown hair everything, without any hesitation. He was kind and understanding, but insisted I go to the hospital and get a rape kit taken. 

Gerard rode beside me and Mikey followed behind in his car to bring us home. Nate left the house in handcuffs in bad shape, but he repeatedly refused medical treatment. 

Mikey and Gerard stayed with me as I waited for the test and tried to cheer me up on the drive home. Normally I was a glutton for Mikey’s dry sarcasm and Gerard’s corny puns, but instead everything just sounded like white noise. 

_I couldn’t concentrate and I wanted to drown them out, close my eyes and fall asleep so I could wake up from this nightmare of a life I was living._

\--

_(The following morning)_

I woke up in a cold sweat with a pounding headache, twisting stomach, and scratchy throat. My leg ached with a vengeance as I tried to reposition my body into a sitting position, and as I lifted my head I was stung by a wave of eerie memories from the night before.

 _What a joke this life was - miserable and uncomfortable._ I tightened my robe around my waist and stumbled out of my bedroom, leaning tightly into my crutches.

Gerard greeted me at the bottom of the staircase - most likely forewarned of my arrival by the clunking of my crutches against each step. 

Mikey followed his actions and popped his head out of the kitchen to stare up at me.

“Wow”, I sighed, continuing my slow stride down the stairs, “My own personal audience”

“Don’t worry”, Gerard smiled, hopping up the stairs to get closer to me, “I’m leaving for work in a few minutes, anyway”

Without warning, he grabbed for one of my crutches and slunk his arm around my waist, guiding me down easier than I could on my own. Normally I would protest his actions, but right now I felt ill enough to accept them. 

“You’re doing great”, He muttered, “You feeling alright today?”

I rolled my eyes, “Don’t worry, we don’t need to pretend last night didn’t happen. I remember every second of it.”

“I wasn’t going to pretend”, Gerard corrected himself, “I just wanted to know how you were doing”

By now, Mikey had disappeared back into the kitchen - most likely revolted by the image of his brother aiding me down the stairs, but I could care less right now. Everything was platonic, and even if it wasn’t, I had no commitment to either brother right now.

_It’s strange how one horrific event can change your outlook on life so drastically._

“Thank you, Gerard”, I caved in, “I’m doing fine. How are you?”

He helped me hobble down the last step and released his grip on me, “Still a little uneasy over what happened to you”

“You and me both”, I sighed, “But if it’s not one thing, it’s another, right?”

He raised his eyebrows, “Um, no. I shouldn’t have let anything happen to you. I’m glad you’re coming with us next week, and I promise nothing like that will ever happen again”

I gulped, “Right - next week…”

“You still want to come, right?” He asked

I shrugged, “Where else would I go?”

“Well, this is your home. You could always stay here”, He started, “But I have to head out to work. You think about what would be right for you”

I formed my lips into a smile, but couldn’t bring the rest of my features to play along. He brushed the side of my arm with his hand and took off toward the front door.

Mikey was waiting for me in the kitchen, but he was acting off - so much more awkward than usual. _I didn’t have time to fight with him,_ and instead, I grabbed for a box of cereal and began to pour it into a bowl.

“I have the milk here” He mumbled, tilting his head toward the countertop to his right. 

I walked over to it and grabbed it, muttering a stern, “Thank you”

“You sound sick again”, He pointed out

I shrugged, “I feel sick, but I think I just lost my voice from screaming so much last night. Who knew, even if you don’t make any sound, screaming into a hand can still rip up your throat”

“You think you should get tested?” Mikey blurted out.

I shrugged again, “Hadn’t thought about it. You think he gave me something?”

“Did he use a condom?” Mikey asked again.

“No - of course not. It’s not like I had any say in it. Why, do you think I might be -” I trailed off, my stomach curdling at the thought, “There’s no way. I wouldn’t, it’s okay…”

“I was ready to kill him”, Mikey confessed, “Thinking of all of the answers to those questions. Just thinking of anyone putting their fucking hands on you…”

He stepped closer to me, and I knew that look on his face. _I didn’t want to be touched right now, or kissed._

I backed up, “On second thought - maybe I am getting sick. You don’t want to take any risks with your upcoming tour…”

He stepped closer to me, “I.. don’t mind…”

I stepped backward again and closed my eyes, this time crumbling down with the truth, “I just feel sick to the touch, after what happened to me, I just don’t want to be touched right now”

“Miranda”, He started. _It felt strange to hear him say my full name._

“I’m not trying to make you uncomfortable.” He continued.

“I know you’re not”, I sighed as I slid my body down into a chair, “This shit doesn’t feel like real life anymore”

He anxiously bit at his lip, “I’d never force you to do anything you didn’t want to”

I swallowed a bite of cereal before snorting out a chuckle, “Since the moment I met you, you’ve been forcing feelings down my throat like-”

“You know what I mean”, He angrily cut me off, “I just want you to know that you’ll always be safe with me”

I set my spoon in my bowl, not even trying to stop it as it slid sideways into the milk, “I know. Can we stop it with the serious conversation, though? It’s making me uncomfortable and stirring up feelings I just want to forget…”

His eyes trailed down to my cereal bowl, “Why don’t I get you another spoon?”

I nodded my head, “That would be appreciated”

He spun around and darted toward the cabinets, “So - you’ve had feelings for me since you met me?”

I rolled my eyes, “Sometimes”

He pulled out a spoon and spun around to face me, pretending to be angry as he slammed it on the island and brushed it toward me, “Sometimes?!”

I grabbed for it and dug back into my cereal bowl, only returning a wink to him before shoveling cereal into my mouth.

“What kind of feelings?” He smirked.

_ I could see what he was doing; exactly what I’d asked of him. Trying to steer the conversation to a more pleasant one.  _

_ One I could only combat with sarcasm,  _ “Oh, you know that sour feeling in your mouth, when you begin to salivate right before throwing up?”

He squinted his eyes at me, “You don’t mean it”

I smiled up at him and licked my lips, “Maybe I do”


	39. Tour Pt 1

_(Three weeks later)_

“It feels wrong leaving all of these shirts behind”, I whined, “Are you sure this is all I can bring?”

Mikey reached in front of me, slightly knocking me off balance as he slammed my drawer closed, “I can barely zip up your suitcase as is. And have you considered how much space you’re stealing with those giant crutches?”

“I don’t have to come”, I stuck my tongue out at him, “Gerard told me I could have the entire house to myself. And, you know, that’s sounding kinda nice right now…”

“You’re coming”, He rolled his eyes at me, “That’s not debatable. I don’t think any of us would be able to sleep at night knowing you were here… alone”

“Tempting…” I chuckled as I plopped down on the edge of my bed, “Who knew packing would be this stressful?”

He rolled his eyes again, “Stressful? You’re making me do all of the work!”

“Yeah!” I crossed my arms, “Because I’m injured! And you’re strong!”

He sat down next to me, “Oh, you think I’m strong, huh?”

My lips pressed together to try and hold back a smile, “And kind of cute, too”

His hazel eyes seemed to glisten with excitement at the sound of my words, and I could feel them scanning me up and down, contemplating their next move.

Since the incident, he’d been sweet about giving me space - as I didn’t know how I’d react to the feeling of intimacy just yet. It was too fresh, but I couldn’t deny the way his contagious smile made me feel; giddy and amourous, which was only amplified more by the concept of our limitations. 

Before either of us could make a move, our silence was broken by Gerard loudly knocking on my door.

“You two ready yet?”, He yelled, “We’re trying to pack the car”

Mikey stood up and walked toward the door, yelling back, “Yeah, I think she’s got enough. I’ll bring our stuff down”

I puffed out a hard breath of air before stepping back onto my feet to continue poking around my room. Did I pack all of my make up? My comfy pillow? Enough socks? 

I knew it was only temporary - and we could easily stop somewhere if we forgot something, but it was new and terrifying. Leaving this bedroom was leaving behind the only piece of “home” I’d ever felt.

Mikey appeared back in my door frame, slightly winded from carrying our bags to the car. He smiled at me before confidently asking, “You want a lift down the stairs?”

I stumbled over to him and jumped into his arms, “Yes please, elevator”

I held my crutches tightly as he carried me down the stairs, jokingly huffing about as he muttered, “I can’t believe you just called me your elevator”

“Does carrying service sound better?” I smirked

He chuckled and shook his head, “Man, you are really milking me for every bit of strength through this injury, aren’t ya?”

I stuck my tongue out at him as he slowly dropped me to the bottom step, “Don’t tell me you don’t enjoy it. What more are best friends for?”

“Best friends”, He scoffed, pressing his arm up against the wall behind me, forcing our faces close to each other, “Just best friends, huh?”

I could feel butterflies squirming around in my gut. The sexual tension between us drove me wild, and I wanted so badly to break the silence and press my lips tightly against his. Instead, Frankie broke it for us.

“You guys ready to go?” Frank squealed, carrying a case of bottled water from the kitchen. 

Mikey relaxed his arm and stepped back to face Frank, “Yeah, I think we’re good”

“First destination is 6 hours away” Frank started, “Bus is a little tight. Gerard said he’ll drive, Ray wants shotgun, so I’m guessing it will be me and Leslie in one row, you, Miranda, and Bob in another”

Mikey raised his eyebrow, “Don’t you mean you, Leslie, and bob in a row? Miranda’s got a bum leg, we don’t wanna squish her”

Gerard walked passed and winked at us, “It’s only fair - Leslie, Bob, and Frank in the front. Miranda and Mikey in the back”

Frankie grunted and stormed off toward the car. _It felt like a weight lifted off of my shoulders. At least I’d be slammed up close to someone I could stand for 6 hours._

\--

The bus smelled strange - like old socks and cheetos. _I should have known this would be what I was getting myself into._

I felt a pinch of sadness looking back at our house, knowing we wouldn’t be returning for at least a few months. But at the same time, I couldn’t be too upset - for the real thing that made me feel like home was sitting right beside me.

“You guys ready to leave and return celebrities?” I gloated, trying to amp everyone up for the five hours and fifty five minutes left of our car ride.

Leslie turned her head to face me, “And we get to be the girls who believed in them all along”

I could feel my phone vibrate on my legs and flipped over to text from Mikey, _“You get to be the girl, she’s just the slut”_

I bit my lip to hold back laughter as I nudged him with my arm. He quickly texted me again, “ _You know I’m right, though”_

I looked up at him and then back down at my phone, responding, “ _I have no idea what you’re talking about :)”_

He texted me back, “ _I’m just glad I got to use your handicap as an excuse to stretch out in the back seat with you”_

I smiled at myself as I read the text; giddy like a school kid with a crush. It burned my cheeks to even look back up at him, and instead I responded with, “ _On second note - you’re kind of cramping my style. Maybe you can go sit up front with them?”_

He set his phone down beside his leg and wrapped his arm around me, toying around as he pulled me into his shoulder and whispered, “How’s this for cramping your style?”

“Shh” I hushed him, “I want to sleep”

He wrapped his arm fully around me and I buried my head into his chest, “Then sleep”

I sat up and hazily looked around the van. _No one was paying any attention to us._

“You think I can reach my pillow in the back?” I peaked over the seat. He pulled at my shirt for me to come back down.

“Just use my lap or my shoulder or something. I don’t mind”

* * *

“It’s time to wake up, sleepy head” Mikey chirped, lifting my head off of his shoulder, “We’re stopping for food”

“Food?” I groaned, attempting to lean back into Mikey and close my eyes again, “How much longer do we have left?”

He pushed me back off of him, “About an hour and a half, but we’ve made an executive decision that we’re all fucking starving”

“Can’t I just stay in here while you eat?” I whined, “Maybe you can bring me something back?”

Mikey began to hop out of his seat, “Just come out with us. I bet you’ve never seen mountains like these before”

I rubbed the sleepies out of my eyes and looked up at him, “Mountains?”

He nodded his head, “And we’re all gonna get a head start on drinking before the show. Except for Gerard, cos he’s driving”

“Poor Gerard”, I smirked.

“And except for you”, Mikey grinned at me. 

I jumped to the seat in front of me, “I’m not on any meds anymore. Can’t I just drink this one time?”

“I guess”, He shrugged, “Just promise me you’ll keep it under control”

I jumped out of the car and into his arms, that were ready to equip me with my crutches, “I’m buying you the first shot”

He smiled at me, “Oh yeah?”

“Yeah”, I continued, “That way you’ll always remember tonight - and how amazing it was, and how it’s all because your best friend bought you the first shot”

“Man” He smirked, “I sure do love my best friend”

\--

 _Mikey was right._ The mountains surrounded the skyline, and the outside bar served beautiful views that I could never imagine from home. 

_This was going to be an experience. Seeing the outside world with my best friends during the day, and watching them play their hearts out at night time. Mix in with a little bit of alcohol, and it seemed like heaven._

_For a moment, I almost forgot about the metal sticks I was clutching between my fingertips or the aching wound of my leg. The outside air tasted fresh enough to block out all of my previous tragedies._

_Right now, I just wanted to focus on the color of the leaves hanging overhead, and the smile lacing each corner of Mikey’s mouth as he took it all in. How lucky I was to be beside him right now._

“How about another shot?” Mikey turned his eyes to face me, “For both of us?”

“Ahh, fuck it”, I groaned, throwing down a $20 bill on the counter, “Another shot for everyone in the band… Except Gerard”

“Throw it in my face some more, why don’t ya?” Gerard whined, “Don’t worry. This non-alcoholic strawberry daiquiri is delicious”

I threw back a shot and stumbled over to Gerard, “Don’t worry, we’ll sneak you drinks at the show”

“Already on it”, He laughed, “You know how musicians usually suck their water bottle down between breaks? Mines full of vodka already!”

I shook my head and burst out into laughter, “It feels so good to let my guard down and drink with you guys”

“It’s our honor”, Gerard started, “I’m so happy you decided to come along with us”

“The honor is mine”, I giggled, leaning over to take a sip of his daiquiri, “You know - that’s pretty good, but it could probably use some alcohol. I think I want to get one of those…”

Gerard stuck his hand up for the bartender, “Can she get an alcoholic daiquiri? My treat”

I scrunched my nose up at Gerard with excitement and wrapped my arms around his back, “Thank you, Thank you! Thank you a million times!”

He let out a chuckle, “It’s only a drink, but you’re welcome”

_Bartenders made me uneasy, but luckily this one was older with darker eyes. No remininats of -_

_Stop thinking of him. You’re here with your friends having a good time._

I grabbed the daiquiri and walked back over to Mikey, “How much time do you think we have until we need to be there?”

“Show starts at 8…” He started, peeking down at his phone, “It’s 5 now, Hour and a half until we get to the hotel, and then we’re just down the street”

I quickly sipped at my drink, “I guess I have to finish this quickly then”

“Don’t worry, Mir”, He laughed, “There will be plenty more”

“Yeah, but-”, I started, shoveling the drink down my throat as fast as possible, “This one is delicious, and Gerard bought it for me”

“Next bar, I promise I’ll buy you one”, He laughed, “And thank you for the shots”

“The venom”, Gerard mumbled under his breath, “Thank you for the venom. That’s genius”

Mikey turned to face him, “Holy shit. How are you the only sober one here?”

He shrugged, “Strawberry daiquiri did me good. Think we head to the hotels now?”

Mikey eagerly nodded his head, but then stopped to ask Gerard, “How many rooms did we book?”

“Uhh”, Gerard turned around, “Hey, Frank! How many rooms did we book?”

“One for me and Leslie”, He started, “One for Ray and Bob, and… Two more. One has 1 bed and one has 2”

“So, guess I’m sleeping with Mikey tonight” Gerard laughed.

Mikey awkwardly cut into the conversation, “Or you could have the room to yourself, and me and Leslie could share a room”

Gerard shot Mikey a glance, but Mikey quickly recovered, “Well - there are two beds. And you’re the talent, aren’t you?”

Gerard shrugged, “Whatever you guys wanna do, I won’t complain”

“I’ll take the room to myself”, I slyly interrupted.

“Hmm”, Gerard started, “I’ll have to think about that one. I mean, I’ve just been offered the ultimate quiet room… and now you want to take it from me?”

\--

“I can see it in the distance!” Frankie chirped, pointing at the hotel, “And it looks absolutely disgusting. Who’s ready to get bed bugs?”

“Ooooh, me!” I drunkenly slurred, “Has Gerard made up his mind which room I’m sleeping in yet?”

“Yeah”, He laughed, “I’m getting the single room. You can hear Mikey snore all night”

Mikey rolled his eyes, “I don’t snore”

“Uh-huh” Gerard laughed. All I could do was eyeball Mikey intently. _Yes, he snored. But like everything else he does, it was absolutely adorable._

\--

Mikey carried both of our bags into the hotel room, and I slowly stepped behind him. Walking without crutches was becoming more of a possibility, but I knew I needed them to stride longer distances. 

“See you losers in.. about an hour? Meet us back at the van?” Frankie shouted, as we all began to dissipate into different corners of the hotel. 

“Let me guess”, Mikey turned to me, “You’re gonna use this time to take a nap”

“Please”, I smiled at him, “I did enough sleeping on the bus. Let’s open a beer and talk about how fucking awesome tonight is gonna be?”

He smiled widely as he scanned the room key into the reader, pushing the door open in front of him as he juggled our bags into the room.

“I call the window bed”, I shouted, hopping down on it.

“I wouldn’t do that if I were you”, He laughed, pulling up the blanket of his bed, “You gotta check for bed bugs first”

“Wow, we stay at classy joints, don’t we?” I laughed, but was immediately pushed to the side as he lifted my blanket from underneath me.

“We’re in the clear”, He laughed, “This time. No bed bugs.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about”, I started, “I’m looking at a giant bed bug right now”

“What?!” He shuttered, standing up to try and get a closer look at my bed.

“I was talking about you, idiot”, I shook my head, “Maybe we need to get some alcohol in both of our systems so I can spew better jokes”

He sat down next to me and started to pull beers from the side of his backpack, “You’re mean”

I grabbed the beer from his hand, “Listen - I didn’t say anything about a bed bug being a bad thing. I mean. Bugs gotta have beds right?”

He almost spit out his beer from laughing, “What- What are you going on about?”

“You heard me”, I laughed, “Bed bug”

He took another sip of his drink and playfully shoved me, “If you call me a bed bug one more time, I swear to god…”

“What are you gonna do?” I laughed, going in for another sip of mine.

He shoved me once more, this time forcing me onto my side before he could climb on top of me and place his face parallel to mine, “Or maybe I’m gonna have to do something like this”

_The pushing. The movement. The memories. Nate’s face. Nate’s cock._

I sat up quickly.

He jumped off of me, “Was that… Too much?”

“Um… no…” I started, “You’re fucking adorable. God I just can’t stop thinking about that terrible night, I-”

“Shh”, He hushed me, “I won’t push you down again. But maybe you could call me adorable again?”

“You’re asking for too much”, I laughed, “You’re not adorable anymore”

He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me into a hug, “Remember what I said, I’d never let anything happen to you, I’ll never hurt you.”

“But bed bugs bite”, I jokingly whimpered.

He tightened his grip around me and pretended to nibble on my neck, “You’re right - we do”

_I didn’t mind the feeling of his lips on my neck. In fact - they were the first thing that came close to turning me on since the incident._

“Can you do that again?” I asked

“Nibble on your neck?” He laughed

I nodded my head, “Maybe even suck on it - kiss it a little bit…”

His lips quickly slid back down to my neck and I could feel his arms rubbing down the sides of my body. I closed my eyes and gave in to the feeling, even letting out a slight moan.

“Mmm, you like that, don’t you?” He murmured.

I nodded my head, moving my face close to his, finally ready to let our lips collide for the first time since -

_Of course. A fucking knock at our door. How was that only an hour?_

“I’ll get it”, Mikey sighed, “Are you ready to head to the show?”

“After that?” I laughed, “You have my stomach in knots, Mikey Way”

He licked his lips and winked at me, “That’s the way I like it”

* * *

The venue was a lot smaller than I imagined; darkly lit with sticky floors and a tiny bar section that was manned with one overloaded bartender.  _ But it had it’s charm  _ and it showed from the crowds of people shoving their body weight against the barriers.

My Chemical Romance was the second opening act, and I stood with them back-stage as they all nervously fidgeted with their instruments.

“Five more minutes until we’re on”, Mikey groaned, anxiously rubbing at the body of his bass, “I think I’m gonna have a fucking panic attack”

“C’mon, pussy”, Gerard laughed, “You act like this is our first show”

Mikey chewed at his lip, “It’s our first show with a crowd of people that size”

“Get used to it”, Gerard continued, “The crowds are gonna get much bigger”

I walked closer to Mikey, prepared with sarcasm to try and cheer him up. Frank stopped me in my tracks, as he excitedly blurted out, “Three more minutes!”

I turned back to face Mikey, who was now visibly sweating with anxiety, and muttered, “Don’t worry, no one knows your music anyway. So if you fuck up, only you guys will know”

“Gee, thanks”, He smiled back at me, “You really know how to make a man calm down”

I dug into my bag and flashed him a bottle of vodka, “Maybe a sip of this will do the trick?”

His eyes grew wide and he motioned his shoulder toward me, “I don’t have a hand, pour it into my mouth”

“What?”, I blurted out, “You want me to spoon feed you vodka?”

His eyes darted over to the clock, and he anxiously nodded his head at me, “Just pour it in my mouth, already! I need something”

I chuckled to myself as I leaned the bottle over his head, almost snorting with laughter as he chugged it down like water. 

“One more minute”, Gerard sang, his eyes glistening with what I could only assume was a mix of excitement and anxiety. 

Mikey quickly pulled his head away, inevitably splashing the bottle down the front of his shirt. 

“I’m so proud of you”, I quietly soothed him, “You’re gonna kill it out there”

He wiped the wetness on his jaw against the shoulder of his t-shirt and winked back at me before following the rest of the band onto the stage. I walked between the barriers and the opening of the back-stage area, far enough to not be eaten by the crowd and close enough that the band could see me through the corner of their eyes. 


	40. Tour, Day 2

The soles of my shoes squealed, sticking slightly to the dirty cement floor with every step I took. But it didn’t matter, because I was more enthralled with the harmonic sound of Gerard’s voice and how it managed to make my heart skip with every loud gasp he let out between lines. 

He spoke theatrically and with a deeper voice than I was used to, mumbling out nonsense into the microphone as he switched between songs. Leslie and I shared sheepish smiles to each other as we stood on the sidelines, fascinated by their talent. 

The more drinks I swallowed, the more my eyes trailed over to Mikey - butterflies pooling in my stomach as I watched him anxiously strum at his bass. _I was so proud of him and so thankful to have him in my life._

He chewed at his lip as he focused on playing, too scared to lift his eyes and face the audience. All I wanted to do was run on to the stage and wrap my arms around him, reassuring him that everything would be okay. _But even without my reassurance, he was doing amazing._

I tried to slurp up the last few drops of alcohol through my straw - my eyes too fixated across from me to realize my drink had gone dry. 

As the music finally came to a halt and the room went dark, I quickly stumbled back to greet them as they exited the stage. Leslie walked close behind me, and we drunkenly giggled with excitement through every sticky footstep.

Gerard entered the room first, a smile beaming ear to ear as he sucked down the contents of his vodka-filled water bottle. Mikey walked in second and let out a sigh of relief through cheeks that were stained red with embarrassment. 

I made my way over to Mikey, finally wrapping my arms around his shoulders and tightly forcing him into a hug. He was hesitant and stiff at first, but quickly melted into my touch and returned the hug. 

A wave of reality hit me, and I quickly pulled away - drunk, but still cognizant enough to try and honor our rules. I turned back to face the rest of the band, leaving Mikey in a pool of jealousy as I congratulated his brother with the same enthusiasm. 

“So what are we all doing tonight?” Frankie chirped, stepping toward the center of the room.

Leslie closely followed his movements, and was quick to slide her fingers between his, “Our room is kinda big, if you guys wanna come drink in there”

“Night’s still young”, Gerard smiled, lifting his bottle in the air, “Count me in”

* * *

By the time we made our way back into our hotel room, I was exhausted. My ears were ringing from my close proximity to the speakers, my voice was shot from scream-singing along, and all I wanted to do was collapse against my pillows.

“I’m so proud of you”, I exclaimed, ravaging through my suitcase for a phone charger, “You’re a fucking rockstar now”

I heard him let out a soft chuckle before muttering, “I’m not, I can’t even believe I made it through the whole set. I was ready to pass out everytime I looked out into the crowd…”

“You looked terrified”, I giggled, “It was adorable”

He stopped in his tracks and his cheeks turned red again, “Fuck, was it that obvious?”

I plugged in my charger and sat down at the edge of my bed, “Oh yeah”

 _Instead of acknowledging my sorry attempt at flirting,_ he quickly changed the subject, “You ready to head over to Frankie’s?”

“Ugh”, I muttered, the room seemingly spinning before my eyes, “I think I’m gonna call it a night. I’m getting too old for this shit, I need my sleep”

“Yeah”, He laughed, “I was thinking the same thing. I’d really only show my face if you went. Being around Leslie makes me nauseous nowadays”

I leaned back into the bed, only to be met with disappointing pillows that flattened as my head hit them, “It’s funny, I’m starting to like her more lately”

I closed my eyes to try and ward off the spinning, but what I couldn’t see, I could feel moving around me. 

“Just all of that history”, He sighed, “It’s weird being around my ex-”

I quickly cut him off, “Oh yeah? What am I? Chopped Liver?”

“Well, uh”, He anxiously started, “I’ve never really thought of you as my ex… We’ve never really dated, and, uh…”

“I’m only kidding”, I cut him off again, “You still have feelings for her?”

“No, no!” He started, “I think I just built this hatred up ever since you and I…”

I opened my eyes to face him, “You and I?”

“Those rules we talked about”, He started, “Are we still doing that?”

I closed my eyes again and let out a hazy laugh, “You were sucking on my neck earlier today, and now you’re questioning if I’m still…”

I stopped myself for a second. _Where was I going with this?_

“Yes”, I corrected myself, “We’re following those rules”

I felt his body plop down beside me, shaking the bed a little as he crawled under the covers. I buried my body deeper into his.

“I have this anxiety that I can’t calm down”, he whispered, “I don’t want to feel like this every night. But god, it feels a lot better to know I can hold you like this…”

I quickly reached into him and rolled my arm over the side of his back, snuggling my forehead into his as we both quickly drifted into sleep.

\--

“Oh fuck”, I exclaimed, grabbing at my stomach as I jumped out of bed, “I’m gonna be sick”

Mikey opened his eyes and shot upward, hazily staring back at me as I ran toward the bathroom, “Can I get you anything?”

I shook my head and threw the bathroom door open - collapsing my knees next to the toilet as I began to spit up puke. Within seconds he ran to the doorway, stroking my hair back as he asked, “You think you caught something?”

I wiped my lips with the back of my hand and tilted my head into his hand as I groaned, “I don’t know, I probably just drank too much…”

A wave of nausea overtook me again, and I quivered my shoulders before leaning my head back over the toilet as I continued to choke up everything I’d swallowed the night before.

His hand stayed around my head, holding my hair out of my eyes as I suffered. 

The feeling didn’t last long, though - and after a few minutes, with only a few hours until checkout, I regained the strength to hop in the shower.

\--

“Where were you guys last night?” Gerard asked, loudly chewing on a piece of gum as he stuffed his suitcase into the trunk of the van.

The chewing made me feel nauseous again, and I turned to Mikey, hoping he’d fill Gerard in on the gaps. But instead, Gerard added, “You two getting pretty close again, huh?”

I sucked on my teeth to try and hold back the vomit. This time, Mikey stepped in, elbowing me slightly before remarking, “Yeah, it’s been nice to spend so much time with my best friend”

_ Gerard could tell something was going on between us, but he scooted around the subject.  _

Finally, he spit his gum on the pavement and raised his eyebrow at Mikey, “Maybe you want the lone room tonight? I wouldn’t mind some extra time with my… uh, she’s my best friend too, you know”

I knew Gerard was joking, but with the state of my stomach, it didn’t sit right. I tried to run back into the hotel, but only made it a few steps before stopping to dry heave over the grass.

“Something I said?” Gerard laughed, forcefully slamming the trunk closed in front of him. 

“She’s been getting sick all morning”, Mikey muttered, as they both made their way over to me, “I think it’s been so long, her body doesn’t know how to hold down her liquor”

Gerard greeted me with a warm water bottle from the back seat, “Try pushing fluids, none of us want to spend four hours with your vomit in the back of that van”

“Four hours?” I asked, taking a deep breath in through my nose, “That’s not so bad”

Mikey grabbed at the water and broke the lid open, sternly muttering “Drink!” as he handed it back to me.


	41. Maine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to get the beginning of this chapter out there - but don't worry, this isn't the end. I'm working on finishing this chapter, so if you are looking for more, it will most likely be added onto THIS chapter within the next few days. :)

_(Six days later, Maine)_

We arrived in the old port town the night before, giving us a night off and free-range to explore this strange, coastal state. 

It had just rained, causing a thick, salt-scented fog to hide the tops of the buildings in the downtown - and I was still feeling nauseous, something I was now blaming on a stomach bug. 

Mikey stayed with me in the hotel room for a bit, but I could tell he was starting to feel antsy being cooped in. I agreed to walk along the coast, as long as it was free of any trace of alcohol. 

The rest of the band stayed in, finding joy on the 15th floor, in our hotel bar. Looking out the clear, glass walls that oversaw the city made me feel woozy.

Mikey scooped the van keys from a very drunk Ray, and drove slow with just me as his passenger. Although I still wasn’t feeling the best, I managed to find the energy to scream-sing along to every stupid song he played. 

“Woah”, he muttered, turning down the music as he peered out the window, “You can’t even see anything on either side of the bridge”

I could feel my pupils constricting as I peered out the window to eerie, bright, white fog sitting over the water. 

“It’s kinda pretty, in a weird way”, I muttered.

His right hand reached for my thigh, and I met it by intertwining my fingers on top of his.

“I don’t want to be a secret anymore”, Mikey blurted out, stroking my thigh with his thumb, “It doesn’t feel like a secret anymore”

His words took me by surprise and I could feel butterflies returning in my chest. Nervously, I tried to downplay his remark, “Do you want us to stop doing things like this?”

He shook his head and smiled at me, “No, silly. I want to be able to call you my girlfriend”

I bit at my lip, but stayed quiet. 

“Unless of course”, He started, his voice losing confidence, “You don’t want that”

“If you want to call me your girlfriend”, I started with a sheepish smile on my face, “Then maybe you should ask me to be your girlfriend”

By now, we had reached our destination, and Mikey pulled into a parking spot before turning to me and repeating, “Well - then, Miranda. Will you be my girlfriend?”

I wanted to hide my smile, but I couldn’t. I felt giddy, like I was running around with my middle school crush - and in a way, that’s exactly what I was doing. 

With my heart beating out of my chest, I nodded my head, “Yes. Yes of course I do”

His hands were shaking with anxiety, but his face was beaming with happiness. Aside from our nerves, the whole thing felt anti-climatic for a moment we’d both craved for so long.

To bring it back to our speed, I decided to try and throw humor into it, “So, if I’m your girlfriend - I guess I have to call you my boyfriend now?”

He scrunched up his nose and leaned awkwardly in his seat toward me - attacking my cheeks with small pecks before landing his lips passionately against mine.

\--

I could feel little pieces of sand swimming around my shoes as we walked through the hotel entrance, hand-in-hand. It felt strange, and slightly unsettling to be this intimate with Mikey in a public setting - but it also felt liberating.

Still, I wouldn’t stop to shake the sand out, for fear of getting caught. What would Gerard think if he passed us in the hallway? How could I sleep seeing the hurt in his eyes?

_Our relationship felt cursed and forbidden._

But his fingers were warm and soft against my fingertips - I couldn’t let go of them. 

“I don’t think we’ve eaten all day”, Mikey muttered as we entered the elevator, “You think they do room service?”

Like a gut reaction, I scrunched up my face and shook my head, “I don’t even want to think about food right now…”

“When’s the last time you’ve eaten, anyway?” He asked, his voice slightly undermined by the ding of the elevator.

I shrugged, “Anything I swallow down comes up. I don’t even want to bother”

“You should really eat”, He shunned me, “You shouldn’t do this to yourself”

The elevator door slid open, but before I could take another step, I quickly had to clarify, “It’s not intentional. You try eating when you feel this sick…”

He began to walk out, tugging me lightly by the arm so that I’d follow his lead, “How do you know that you aren’t making yourself sick?”

I shook my head, “I don’t think that’s possible…”

“What’s the room number again?”, He muttered to himself, searching through his pocket for the key.

“311”, I exclaimed, “I think it’s to the right”

“Do you think we should get you to a doctor?” Mikey started, “What if you caught something from -”

I quickly threw my hand over his lips, shushing him with a sharp, “Stop! Not right now”

“I don’t think we should avoid this conversation”, He started, “Maybe you-”

“I’ll stop at an urgent care in the morning”, I cut him off, “Can we try to forget about it for tonight?”

He relaxed his shoulders and let out a defeated sigh, “Okay”

* * *

“What?” I exclaimed, the doctor’s voice sounding like white noise as he stood in front of me.

The smell of the room was overwhelming with chemicals, and I felt sickened by the sound his latex gloves made as he flicked them against the wrist of his hand.

The doctor cleared his throat and diverted his vision to the floor, “Well - I said congratulations! You’re pregnant!”

I shook my head, “That can’t be right. I’m pretty sure it’s just a flu…”

“Oh no, kid”, He let out a deep chuckle, “Sure it feels as such. Nausea, sensitivity to smell, feverish, mood swings… Welcome to the next few months!”

I pinched my lip with my thumb and chewed anxiously at the surrounding fingers.

“Can’t do much more for you now”, He continued, peering over a clipboard with a stack of papers, “I can suggest you someone who specializes in this, but it doesn’t look like you’re from around here. When are you going home?”

I swallowed and looked up at him, “I don’t know, I’ve been traveling my, uh, boyfriend’s band, they’re touring”

“Your boyfriend, huh?” He smiled, “Bet you can’t wait to tell him the news!”

My stomach started to flip. Mikey was waiting for me outside, and I had no idea if I’d ever be able to face him again. _There was no way he was the father - and in my gut, I knew who was._

_Nate._

“Steer clear of alcohol”, The doctor continued, dangling a pamphlet in front of my hands, “And read this. But make sure you follow up… It ain’t gonna be easy carrying a baby on those crutches”

I grabbed for the pamphlet and pressed my lips together, trying my hardest to fake excitement as I pulled myself up from the chair.

“Congratulations again!” He exclaimed, extending his arm against the door to hold it open for me, “Exit is down the hall, to the right”

The hall was shorter than I wanted it to be - and I felt woozy with anxiety through every step I took. _Pregnant? With my rapist’s child?_

I was getting closer to the door, but it felt like the walls were caving in on me. _My life was a game of one step forward, twenty steps backward._

_I was disgusting; violated. Why would Mikey want to waste his time with a girlfriend that was carrying someone else’s child? Someone so vile - the devil brewing inside my belly._

* * *

“Hey”, I mumbled, slamming the van door closed behind me. 

“Hey”, Mikey laid his hand against my thigh, “What’d they tell you?”

Holding back around Mikey was harder than it looked, and I diverted my vision to keep up the lie, “Nothing really, just stomach problems. You think we can get out of this parking lot?”

Mikey scrunched his face up with disbelief, “Yeah, yeah of course we can. Did he tell you how to fix it?”

“Just, start the car” I muttered anxiously, “I’m trying to think of the words to tell you…”

He turned the key into the engine, his eyes full of horror, “Can I catch it? Is it really bad?”

“No, you can’t”, I shook my head, my veins felt like ice beneath my skin, “Nothing like that”

“Okay, because my throat has been kind of sore anyway, and I was scared that-”, He started.

I quickly cut him off, “Mikey, a sore throat has nothing to do with any of this. I’m pregnant”

Before moving an inch, he quickly pushed the car back into park as he turned to face me, “You’re joking, right?”

I took a deep breath, crumbling my face into my hands, “It has to be Nate’s”

“You’re not serious, are you?” He shook his head, “This is a joke… Just some of your terrible humor, right?”

I tilted my head back with anger and dropped my arms to my sides, “This isn’t a fucking joke, Mikey”

I could see his chest rise rapidly before falling into a grunt of anger, “I’m going to fucking kill him”

I blinked my eyes shut, “I don’t know what I’m going to do”

“Are you going to keep it?” He blurted out, his cheeks flustered red.

I shrugged, “I hadn’t even considered it. Why would I bother?”

He looked out the window for a brief second, stress-clawing against the side of his face. I tried to focus on my breathing, desperately avoiding a full-blown panic attack.

“You know, if you were considering keeping it”, Mikey muttered, “I’d help you out with it”

“What?” I tensed up, “Really?”

He nodded his head, returning his hand back to my thigh, “Yeah, of course. I’d treat it like it was my own - that is, if you wanted me to. We wouldn’t have to tell anyone it was Nate’s…”

Tears piled at the corners of my eyes, “I don’t know - I didn’t expect that. But that makes me really happy, Mikey. Thank you for saying that…”

“Could you imagine?” He started, his voice breaking as tears began to form in his, “How fucking socially awkward we’d raise that kid to be? I mean - me and you, raising a kid? They’d be a doofus. I couldn’t think of anything I’d want more in the world…”

Tears crashed out of my eyes and I could feel goosebumps forming on my arms, “You’d be a great dad”

He stroked his hand down my thigh, “Whatever you choose to do, I’ll support you through it all”

I rubbed my hand against my right eye, pulling off most of my eyeliner in the process, “It’s a lot to think about. How could we do this, especially right now while we’re driving all over the country?”

“It’s an easy fix”, Mikey started, “Me and you, we could take a break from this tour. I’m sure they could easily find a stand-in”

“I- I don’t want to do that to you”, I stuttered out, “It’s not fair to you…”

He chewed at his bottom lip, “Let me talk to Gerard about this later. He’ll know what to do”

I swallowed hard and shook my head, “Gerard has to know about this?”

“Well he’s gonna find out sooner or later”, Mikey laughed.

I crossed my arms and leaned back in my seat, “I guess you’re right. So we’re going to do this?”

“It’s your call, sweetheart” He soothed, “I’ll stand behind you no matter what happens”

I placed my hand on top of his and squeezed down, “Let’s do this”

  
  



	42. Defeated

_(No point of view)_

“Come in!”, Gerard groaned, his half-awake body sprawled out against his pillows, “It should be opened”

“Well it’s not”, Mikey muttered from the hallway, fumbling aggressively at the door handle, “That’s not the way hotel rooms work. I can’t get in without your card”

“Ugh”, Gerard whined, taking a deep breath in through his nose before sliding out of bed and jumping to his feet, “I guess I’ll get it for you”

Within a few seconds, Gerard made his way over and opened the door to face a pale Mikey - who didn’t waste any time before pushing into Gerard’s room and throwing out a sharp, “I need to talk to you”

“Well, just come on in”, Gerard sarcastically jabbed, his voice still raspy from sleep, “What can I do for ya?”

Mikey plopped down on a paisley-colored love seat, hesitantly stroking his wrist against the arm of the chair - desperately trying to formulate the right words.

“So…” Gerard started, lowering himself back down onto the bed to meet Mikey’s level, “What’s up?”

“I’m in a situation”, Mikey started, “I don’t know if it’s the best thing that ever happened to me, or absolutely insane… But I’m going to need to take some time off of our tour”

Gerard cleared his throat, taken-aback by his statement, “What do you mean? What kind of situation?”

“Miranda’s pregnant”, Mikey choked out, a smile forming from cheek to cheek, “I’m gonna be a dad”

Gerard fixed his posture, seemingly more awake as he repeated Mikey’s words, “Miranda’s pregnant?”

“It’s not my child”, Mikey reassured him, “It’s worse than it sounds. With the timeline of things… We’re pretty sure it’s Nate’s child. But we’re together now, and taking care of her child just feels right…”

“My mind is spinning right now”, Gerard blurted out, “She’s going to have his kid? You’re going to let her?”

“Yes”, Mikey started, “I promised her I would raise it like it was mine. I feel so bad for her, everything that has happened to her. She didn’t ask for this, but it’s the situation we’re in. I want to be there to help her… I know it’s not what you want to hear, but I love her so much”

“I know”, Gerard sighed, “I’ve seen you two together, I’ve backed off. Shit hurts, but you have to do what you think is right. You sure you can’t stay?”

Mikey swallowed hard, “I don’t want to leave her alone while she’s going through this”

“Right”, Gerard started, “We’ll figure it out. Just let me know…”

“Thank you”, Mikey started, his eyes dull with fear as he nodded his head, “Thank you”

“Now, uh”, Gerard cleared his throat, subconsciously darting his eyes toward the door, “If you wouldn’t mind letting me get some sleep before our gig tonight…”

Mikey stood up and took a deep breath in, “Right. I’ll let you know…”

\--

Gerard angrily dragged his fingers down his face as his legs curled up into a ball. The numbers on the bedside clock seemed as though they were growing at a faster rate than normal - especially for someone whose mind wouldn’t stop racing.

Again - he was disturbed by loud knocking. He pulled a pillow over his head to block out the light and groaned, “What do you want?”

“What the fuck are you doing?” Frank growled, “Show starts in three minutes”

Suddenly, the room started spinning faster than his heart was racing. He shed the blanket from his legs and jumped out of bed - forcing a dirty sweatshirt over his shoulders as he ran to the door, “Shit - I’m on my way. I fell asleep -”

_A dirty lie. Gerard hadn’t taken in an ounce of sleep since Mikey stabbed him with a dagger of news… Disgusting, horrifying, life-shattering…_

“Get the fuck out here”, Frank yelled, “We’re gonna be late for our own fucking set”

Gerard swung the door open, his blood-shot eyes squinting from the hallway light, “Let’s go”

* * *

_(Gerard’s POV)_

“Dude”, Frank mumbled, “What the fuck was that?”

I scrunched up my face and grunted at him, “What?”

“You were late to the show”, Frank started, “You fucked up your own lyrics. I was struggling just to change my rhythm to whatever the fuck you were…”

“Shut up”, I snapped, “I feel like shit today, get off my ass”

_There she was - across the room, with her perfect scarlet hair that dropped right below her shoulders - each particle dancing slightly in the air each time the fan waved above her. But her beautiful hazel eyes sparkled with lust each time they looked up at my brother - and why was he so lucky? To have her soft, precious fingers wrap around his arms like they used to with mine..._

“Jesus fucking christ”, Frank snapped, grabbing the bottle of vodka from my hand, “Just get your shit together. You’re supposed to carry this band…”

I sucked at my top teeth with anger, “Why don’t you give this speech to Mikey? He’s the one leaving us!”

“What?” Frank asked, loosening the cap, “Leaving us?”

“Give that shit back”, I tugged at the bottle, “He didn’t tell you?”

Frank shook his head.

_And now I get to watch Mikey kiss her on the forehead before pulling her into a full-body hug. They both look so happy, but I can’t begin to explain how much this happiness burns at my heart - like acid reflux._

I had the bottle back in my hand now, and I took a large sip of it before blurting out, “Yeah, both him and Miranda”

Frank looked back at me curiously, “You know, he did the same shit to me. With Leslie. He knew she was mine from the start. Lucky for me, I was smart enough to pull her back from him”

“It’s not”, I shook my head, “That’s not what-”

“Right”, Frank cut me off, grabbing back at the vodka to take a swig, “Sure it’s not” 

I let out a loud sigh, my eyes darting back to the other side of the room.

_She didn’t look pregnant, yet. I didn’t think I’d ever see her with a bump that didn’t belong to me… We’d talked about this. She told me she was going to be my forever. Oh, how we lost our way…_

“All I’m sayin’ is I see the way you look at her” Frank started, “You really going to let that fucker put his slimy hands all over her? Let her rest her head on him in the back of the bus? And how many beds do you think they actually sleep in when they share that double room?”

“Shut the fuck up”, I snapped, “He’s not some fucker. He’s my brother”

Frank took another swig, “Yea, he’s your brother. That has no regard for you. Your brother’s a slimeball, bud”

I could feel my nostrils flare with anger as I pulled the bottle back from Frank’s hand, “Stay out of it”

_But the empty pit in my stomach told me Frank was right, for once. I was always there for her - even if I sometimes lost my way. We ended over a stupid argument, and she rekindled her romance with Mikey because he helped her out in the interim._

_I knew tonight I’d be finishing this bottle and puking it up on the bedroom floor - hopefully flushing out all of these sickly feelings she is making me feel._

_Mikey says he loves her, but Mikey could never fathom how much I love her… And what he’s done to me._

* * *

_(Miranda’s POV)_

“What are we getting for lunch?” I whined as I lifted my head from Mikey’s shoulder.

Ray let out a laugh from the driver’s seat, “Lunch? Didn’t you just have breakfast?”

I huffed out a breath of disappointment and crossed my arms - salivating at the thought of salty french fries crunching between my teeth, washed down by a gulp of something sweet and carbonated. _The cravings._

“Leave her alone”, Leslie snapped, “She’s eating for two, now”

I chewed at my nail, disgusted by the sound of her words. She smelled nice, like sugared plums and fresh picked flowers - and I was envious again, this time of her youth. Her slim body that sat with perfect posture, her long, thin fingers that weaved between Frankie’s - that wouldn’t have to feed a child in nine months. 

Gerard pulled a candy bar out of his backpack, that was sandwiched between him and Leslie’s legs. He turned around to face me, dangling it in front of my eyes for a second before throwing it toward me with a wink. 

I mouthed the words “Thank you” back to him and he turned back around.

Mikey grabbed for me, pulling me in closer to him so that he could nap on my shoulder. I leaned into his head trying to do the same after I devoured this sugary-chocolate bar - but for some reason my mind was elsewhere. Maybe it was these pregnant hormones, but watching Gerard wink at me began to stir up some repressed memories…


	43. Death of Trauma

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another short chapter, but I needed it to progress the series. This was kinda hard to get through.

I awoke in a frenzy; it felt like water was filling my lungs with every quick gasp of air. Something wasn’t right - something felt off. I turned on my side and clenched my knees into the fetal position, desperately trying to ward off the sharp pain in my abdomen. 

Mikey subconsciously turned his body with mine, wrapping his arm over my side and squeezing me into a cuddle. I tried to close my eyes and drift back off into sleep, but something in my body was fighting it. The pain seemed to radiate from my lower stomach to the parallel of my back.

I took a deep breath in through my nose, slowly trying to force the air into my stomach rather than shallowly sucking into my chest. 

“You alright?” Mikey whispered, his voice raspy from sleep.

“Yeah”, I groaned, curling my knees deeper into my stomach, “Just morning sickness”

He kissed the back of my head and snuggled his body closer to mine, “Our baby’s a fighter, huh?”

I could feel my shoulders begin to relax into him as a smile stretched across my cheeks, “I guess so”

With each second, the pain only felt worse - heavy cramping that felt hard to breathe through. I pulled away from his grip and sat up, swinging my legs over the side of the bed as I leaned forward against my knees.

“It’s so bad”, I moaned between breathes, “It’s not usually this bad”

Without moving his body, his stretched his arm out and pat at my back, “I’m here, baby”

“Something feels off”, I muttered, jumping out of the bed and onto my feet, “I don’t feel so good”

Mikey sat up and stretched his arms into a yawn, “Can I do anything to make you feel better?”

I started to pace the small area between our bed and the front door, “Maybe I just have to drink some water. Can you go to the lobby and get me a cold-”

“The sheets are covered in blood”, Mikey cut me off, “Did you cut yourself?”

I could feel the color draining from my face as I parroted him, “Blood?”

\--

The rest of the day felt like blur; white noise as he rushed me over to Gerard and Ray to get the car keys, static as we stumbled into the emergency room - and a brief memory of the familiar disinfectant smell of my hospital room. 

My ears continued to ring as they told me I lost the baby - and instead I was more focused on the way Mikey gripped my hand in a way that seemed to cut off my circulation. Some might even say it was the last time Mikey felt the urge to grip my hand again.

After my hospital stay, something in him changed. Although he tried his hardest to make me feel supported, the glimmer of amour in his eyes when he looked at me seemed to dissipate. Through all of the hell we’d put each other through, this felt like the breaking point. 

Although my days weren’t always as grim. I appreciated mornings when I could sleep in, no longer plagued by the sudden urge to vomit. The loss hit me hard, but it also felt like a blessing - the death of my trauma, and the rebirth of my youth.

Life wasn’t easy, but I wanted to breathe in every second of it. It was another curve ball that I was learning to get over, and I was determined to make it through. Of course, the tour was inevitably postponed after everyone witnessed my tragedy - but I was thankful to be back in my own bed, away from shitty hotel sheets and pillows that flattened as you laid head against them.

And after all, everything was comfier than a hospital bed. 


	44. Capsize

“Uh”, I anxiously stuttered out a breath, “I don’t know if it’s a good idea. The water is kinda deep. What if we… What if we capsize? What if I can’t swim?”

Mikey chuckled to himself as he dragged our canoe through the sand, “We won’t capsize. Even if we do, you’re with me. Don’t I always save you?”

 _He couldn’t comprehend my anxiety anymore._ I huffed out an annoyed puff of air from my nostrils, “What if I don’t want to be put in a situation where I need to be saved?”

He rolled his eyes at me, “So… are you getting on with me, or should I go without you?”

My eyes peered behind us - Frank, Leslie and Gerard strategically kept their distance, afraid to take part in our constant bickering. Mikey wasn’t scared to argue in front of them anymore, and I knew I was losing my mind just as much as he was losing interest in me.

“Wouldn’t you like that?” I scowled, “Some time away from me?”

He pushed the tip of the canoe into the water, “Just get in with me and get over yourself”

I angrily chewed at my bottom lip. _Maybe his comment was warranted, but the words stung when they came out of his mouth. Things weren’t supposed to turn out like this, but I was too stubborn to not try and stand my ground._

Without thinking, I blurted out, “Get over myself?”

His silence only furthered to fuel my fury, and I continued, “You have no problem putting me into a situation that I’m uncomfortable with, just so full of yourself… Where is the man I fell in love with?”

The rest of the crew was close enough to hear us now, and Mikey took note of this - nodding his head in anger as he tried to think of the right words to say.

A breeze blew from behind us, forcing my hair against my lips. I shook my head to try and push it away, “I thought so”

“I don’t know what to tell you”, Mikey muttered, “If you don’t want to come, then don’t. Maybe I’d enjoy it better without you yelling in my ear the whole time”

I felt my heart sink in my chest as I took a step back, crossing my arms and stubbornly pouting, “Fine. I’ll stay back here”

“Fine”, He sighed, his eyes staring daggers into my soul. 

I quickly diverted eye contact, taking a deep breath before limping in the direction, “I’ll walk home”

After a few steps, I could feel someone following behind me - and with a small glimpse of hope, I locked my legs in place and shouted, “What do you want?”

But alas - it wasn’t Mikey. _As I’d already assumed, that ship had sunk. I was a nuisance to him now._

“You really think I’d let you walk alone?” Gerard answered, “After seeing that?”

I turned back to face him, “You guys ever let me do anything alone?”

“Well… Looks like Mikey’s letting you”, He chuckled, “He’s being pretty fucking stupid if you ask me”

I pouted my head down in defeat, “I’m probably being the stupid one…”

“Keep walking”, Gerard nodded his head forward, “I’ll walk with you. What the hell is going on with you two, anyway?”

“I can tell he’s done with me”, I sighed, “I murdered his child, how could he ever look at me the same?”

“What?” Gerard blurted out, “Is that really how you think? It wasn’t even his child… It was basically the child of the devil. Mikey has no right-”

“Stop, I know what I’ve put you both through”, I cut him off, “I’ve never been easy and I’ve never felt stable. I’m cursed. Neither of my parents knew how to take care of me… and I don’t know how to take care of myself. I think it’s good that I didn’t bring a baby into this world, because I’d never want to be like my dad… or mom…”

I took a deep breath and continued to vent, “She just left me, you know? And who’s to say I wouldn’t leave my child…”

“You can’t talk like that, Miranda” Gerard hushed me, “I know what you’re getting at, and don’t you dare ever talk about leaving the world like that”

I was trying hard to choke down the feeling of crying, but it was spitting up my throat and pooling at my lower lid. Avoiding eye contact, I continued to walk forward, “I’m a walking disaster. I didn’t mean to get this bad… I’m sure… neither did my mom… But I think it’s part of my DNA... and I know my limitations, now. I’m a leech, sucking the life from both you and your brother. I don’t think I am… or that anyone thinks I’m capable of anything else”

I could tell he didn’t know how to respond, but he tried his best, shaking his head as he gently muttered, “You’re not a leech. You’ve just become part of our family. Your problems are our problems, and I know both of us care about you - even if Mikey isn’t showing it”

“Yeah”, I sighed - impressed by my ability to hold in my tears for this long.

“If I know Mikey”, Gerard started, “There’s no way he’s holding it together right now”

“Just help me forget about today”, I started, “Tell me a joke or something”

“On the spot?” Gerard smiled, “I don’t know if I’m capable of that”

“Well, try” I snickered..

* * *

_(A few hours later)_

“Can you grab another onion?” I started, my eyes fixated on the cutting board in front of me, “I don’t think I grabbed enough”

“Sure”, Gerard nodded his head and twisted his body back toward the fridge, “You know - I don’t know how you do it”

My body froze for a second and I let out a confused chuckle, “Cut up vegetables?”

“No, no”, He laughed, “Everything. I sincerely misjudged you”

I dropped my knife and placed a hand on my hip, “You misjudged me?”

“Life has this funny way of trying to push you down”, He threw the onion on my cutting board, “But you’re still standing here, smiling with me as you make me food”

“Yeah, well”, I diverted, butterflies pooling in my stomach, “It’s not so hard”

For a brief second, time stood still - my feet were still planted firm on the floor of our kitchen, but my mind was moving at a fast rate. As soon as our eyes collided, it was hard to look away.

I shuttered to myself. It was as if all of our memories were hidden in the reflection of his shiny hazels, begging to bring me back to them. Suddenly, I was reliving all of the mornings we spent half-awake, laughing as we sipped our coffee - the first brisk night when he placed his jacket over my shoulders. 

_Everything I’d left behind when I stubbornly walked out the front door._

The jingle of the front door harnessed me back into reality, and I could feel the weight of my body pressing against my ankles again. 

I quickly dropped my gaze and turned back to focus on the cutting board - eager to finish what I’d started. 

Gerard remained quiet. I could feel the blood rushing to my cheeks as I started to realize how crazy I might have looked; unaware of how much time passed before either of us blinked. 

Mikey hobbled into the kitchen with slightly damp shorts and a fresh sun-burn, “Why’d you bother to tagging along in the first place if you weren’t serious?”

I took a deep breath as the sick feeling of anxiety returned in my chest. _I knew he was right, but my irrational brain couldn’t think fast enough to justify my actions._

“Huh?” He instigated me, “You wanna talk to me now?”

I closed my eyes and anxiously sucked at my bottom lip, “I don’t know, Mikey. I was going to, I just got scared when I looked at the water…”

“Well you didn’t need to embarrass me like that” He blurted out, “You couldn’t have just kept it to yourself?”

I shook my head, “I didn’t do it to you on purpose…”

Gerard slunk into a chair and diverted his focus onto his phone - trying his hardest to stay out of our conversation, but I could tell he was holding back.

The legs of Mikey’s chair squealed against the hardwood floor as he dragged it out from underneath the kitchen ledge of the kitchen island and plopped down next to Gerard. Gerard’s eyes quickly drifted back up from his phone to take in what was happening around him, but quickly and uncomfortably darted away.

“You guys were making food?” He started, “Are you making enough for me?”

I shrugged my shoulders, “That wasn’t part of the plan, but I could if you wanted me to…”

“I just want to stop fighting with you”, Mikey exclaimed, his eyes fixated on mine, “I love you”

Gerard sunk in his seat, visibly uncomfortable by the sound of Mikey trying to make amends. I gathered now that he felt it, too - the surge of memories and nostalgia that fluttered before my eyes. 

It was strange hearing those words fall from Mikey’s lips - especially given the setting. I yearned for the days that he would pull me aside and leave our personal affairs in private. Something about the tone in his voice lacked sincerity. He was using words to try and mediate the moment, but he was still angry - and I could tell. He was still deeply upset over the loss of our child.

I guess I didn’t expect this reaction from him - through all of the hardships we went through together, I didn’t think this would be the tipping point. After all, Mikey didn’t know loss like I did; this was his first step into understanding mortality. 

But this could never excuse the way he’d been treating me lately. He was avoiding my touch, deflating any ounce of intimacy left. As if I was a vile creature that disturbed him, and he had to fight me back with his words. 

“Did you hear me?” Mikey blurted out, “Were you even listening?”

I rolled my eyes and turned to face the cutting board, “Yeah, yeah. You said you loved me and you wanted to stop fighting. I want that, too”

Mikey cleared his throat, “Okay. I didn’t think you were”

I could feel my fist tightening at my side, desperately trying to ward off the anger. The things I could snap back at him - but I wouldn’t. Not in front of Gerard, at least. I’d slithered too far away from my own moral sanity, and I knew I had to work to get it back.

_ But what happened to my gentle, caring, best friend? How did actions I didn’t create lead to our own demise? _

“I think I cut up enough vegetables for the all of us”, I murmured, “Hope you like stir fry”

Mikey sniffed and stretched his arms over his head into a yawn. His legs finished the stretch, slightly shaking before him as he leaned back into the chair, “You know I like stir fry!”

  
  



	45. hellhole

_(Timeline: Two weeks later, A Bonfire)_

I rubbed my palms together, desperately trying to create circulation to my ice cold fingertips. Before my eyes, summer was escaping us and autumn was blowing it’s cold air against my cheeks. Time was escaping all of us - especially the ones like me that leaned so heavily against the sensation of it’s nostalgia.

Mikey startled me by wrapping his arm around my waist and pressing a kiss into the top of my skull. His face hovered there a few seconds, and I could feel him taking in a deep breath of the scent of my shampoo.

“You look lost in thought”, He murmured, “Whatcha thinking about?”

I watched the fire pit crackle and spit out a few sparks into the air. 

“Summer”, I mumbled, dangling my arm in the air behind me until it intertwined with his, “Where did it go?”

He moved his arm with mine and curled it around me - fully engulfing me into a hug from behind as he let out a chuckle, “No kidding, right?”

In the distance, Frank used the edge of his key to unwrap a bundle of wood. Both of us unknowingly stared off into his direction, giggling to ourselves as he struggled to keep the flames going - smothering them with large pieces of wood. Eventually, Gerard stepped in and eased him aside - desperate to revive the only source of heat in our backyard.

“You cold?”, He whispered - his voice gentle and nostalgic. For a brief second, it made me forget about all of the arguing. I nodded my head and buried my face into his arm.

He started to stroke his hand up and down the side of my arm, “You want me to get you a sweatshirt?”

I quickly shook my head, “No. Don’t let go of me”

Mikey tightened his hold around me, not speaking a word as he leaned his cheek against the top of my forehead. I took a deep breath in, relaxing my shoulders into his chest as the warmth of his body kept my goosebumps at ease.

_But these moments couldn’t last forever._

Days seemed to pass faster than before, and in a blink of an eye I’m watching Mikey slam the door behind him as he stormed out of my room in a fit of rage, angry about something frivolous. Alone and defeated, I let my head fall back and collapse against my pillows - trying hard not to focus on my pounding headache and hoarse voice from all of our fighting.

The pit of sadness in my stomach was expanding - rapidly spiraling out of control. Our forced facade of a relationship was crumbling right before our eyes, and it felt irreparable. 

A light knock came from the outside of my door, and with a loud sigh, I rolled my eyes and exclaimed, “Back already?”

“It’s Gerard”, The voice called back, “Just wanted to make sure everything was okay”

I could feel a blush of embarrassment streak my cheeks as I quickly perked my chest into an upright posture, “Everything’s okay. Give me a second”

I took a deep breath in, desperate to ward off the sniffles from all of the tears I’d shed. My index finger brushed the remaining wetness off the corner of my eye as I made my over to the door. 

_He’d caught me at a good time._ I’d finally caught my breath through my normal quivering, hyperventilating tears. I shook my head one last time in an attempt to look okay, but I could see the look in his eyes the minute I opened my door.

_He’d heard all of the yelling and fighting - probably every single stuttered breath I tried to talk through, only to be cracked with a surge of tears that I couldn’t hold back._

“Sorry”, I sniffed, “We could have been a lot… quieter”

Gerard shook his head as he forced a step into my room, “You don’t have to apologize. Mikey left in his car. Can I talk to you for a second?”

“Of course”, I nodded my head and stepped backward,motioning for him to sit on my bed with my sweatshirt sleeve curled over my fingers.

“You’re most likely going to get mad at me for what I’m going to say”, Gerard started, “But just hear me out”

I rolled my desk chair parallel to my bed and leaned forward into it, “Go ahead”

“He’s treating you like shit”, Gerard blurted out, “You shouldn’t let him treat you like this”

With my elbows pressed against the tip of the chair, I covered my face with my arms - trying to force the remaining tears to absorb and hide away into the sleeves of my sweatshirt.

“It’s not healthy for either of you”, Gerard continued, “I really don’t think either of you are happy”

I swallowed hard and released my hands to my side, “I know he loves me and I love him, too…”

Gerard shrugged, “I’m just telling you as I see it, no sugar coating, and no ulterior motives. You look really sad”

I bit at my lip, “I feel really sad”

His face melted into an empathetic pout, but the rest of the conversation felt mute. As if we continued to talk, and for a brief second I could feel myself swooning over his shiny hazel eyes, but my mind felt displaced. Everything was unsettling. 

Gerard told me not to, but after a few drinks, my phone felt glued to my hand. Mikey answered my texts at first, but it was only stubborn, half-sarcastic jabs before he shot me the bullet of a “I think we should take a break from each other”.

Those words stung the very inner of my core, and the more I drank, the more I spilled it out for him. He bitch-buttoned my calls twenty two times before he finally turned his phone off, and I could only imagine how he’d felt when he turned it back on.

Messages like: “Please don’t leave me alone, Mikey. Please, I love you. I’m sorry…”

In variations of hundreds of words. The more I drank, the more I’d text him another story from our childhood - the time the robots took over the forest, our crazy games of hide and seek… But they always ended with one vile story: “You left me all alone, to think about you, to wonder about you, for years before you show up in my life again and now you want to leave again…”

I couldn’t begin to process the idea of a life without Mikey… As the love of my life, or just as my best friend. But we’d mixed up the one thing we should have never done; we tried being in love instead of loving each other as best friends.

_Breathe in through your nose, or in through your mouth? Both at once, both in rapid successions, or in which pattern?_

The pounding of my broken heart couldn’t keep up the rhythm of my quaky breathing. By midnight, Mikey still wasn’t back, and the tears had tired me out.

* * *

I felt like shit when I woke up - my breath tasted metallic from forgetting to brush my teeth, my make up was smudged down the corners of my cheeks and the sides of my pillowcases, and I was all alone.

My puffy under eyes felt like they could burst into tears any second. The idea of looking at my phone hurt, but couldn’t rival how painful being left on “read” felt. 

As bad as I smelled, I stormed out of my bed and down the hall - whispering words of motivation to myself as I shoved his door open. 

But alas, there was no sign of him other than a messy bed. _This was it. He was finally done with me, and this time, he was avoiding me._

_But maybe he was stuck in a ditch somewhere, like I was? Mikey was always the person to help me out. Should I be the one looking for him-?_

“Morning” Gerard hummed as he stepped up the creaky staircase, “He’s not there, is he?”

I shook my head, defeated.

“You want some coffee?” Gerard offered, “It has about 20 minutes before it goes cold”

I huffed in a deep, stuttered breath, “You know where he is, don’t you?”

Gerard shrugged, “You’re not going to want to hear it”

With a fire burning in my eyes, I shot him a death glare, “I want to hear every word”

“Oka-ay”, He muttered, “But don’t say I didn’t warn you”

My chest was on fire. Everything around me started to spin. _Whatever he said next was going to make me sick._

“He spent the night at Leslie’s”, Gerard choked out, “Says he’s just on her couch. But I don’t know, Frank’s pissed, too”

My knees locked for a second as I tried to make sense of each syllable that came from his mouth. _I must have misunderstood that - Mikey wouldn’t do that to me._

“You’re positive?” I blurted out.

Gerard nodded his head. Within a second, my knees felt weak - leading me directly back to my bedroom - where I started tearing through the dresser, trying to force all of my belongings into two suitcases.

No more tears were leaking from my eyes. Even though it didn’t feel like it, I’d been through worse before. I could make it through this, too - and I knew the first step would be leaving this house and erasing all traces of him.

“What are you doing?” Gerard barged in, “Are you going somewhere?”

I let an angry puff of air escape my nostrils, “I’m leaving. For good, this time.”

“My god, Miranda” Gerard started, “You can’t do that. If nothing else, you are basically family to us here, and…”

“I have to go”, I cut him off, “I can’t stay here anymore. I’ve dug my grave too deep to recover from. I need to start over”

“Where would you go?” Gerard asked, his eyebrows arched with concern, “You don’t even have a car”

“Exactly”, I blurted out, “I’m so fucking reliant on both of you. I need to learn how to be my own person again…”

Gerard was visibly shaking - most likely filling with fear of what I might do to myself, but words couldn’t explain to him that I wasn’t suicidal. I needed a new start, and I needed it faster than I needed anything else.

“You’re being irrational”, Gerard started, “You rush into shit too fast. You have nowhere to go, I can’t let you leave”

“You wanna come with me?” I jokingly blurted out.

“I- I don’t know. Where are you going?” He started, “I don’t know if -”

Without missing a beat, he continued, “I’ll go with you right now. We can go on a road trip for a few nights to get away from all of this. But it’s not going to be a permanent fix”

My eyes lit up, “Really? You’d do that with me?”

He shrugged, “Where are we going?”

“Upstate New York”, I ordered, “Go pack. I hear it’s colder there”

As he disappeared into the hallway, I couldn’t help but fixate on my phone. _Would I even want to know if he responded? Would I be able to hold myself back?_

I threw it on the ground and stepped on it - enough to create a crack and to remain permanently in the trashcan of my old bedroom. I scrambled through for a piece of paper, small enough to write “Miranda and Gerard leaving the state. Don’t call” - and smiled to myself as I placed it on the kitchen island. 

_This hellhole was his own. I didn’t want to think of his dorky smile or warm, soft arms around my waist any longer. I wanted to think of quietness and trees - a place I could forget about.._

_The rape…_

_The child I lost…_

_My dead mother, and my alcoholic father…_

_My recovering broken femur…_

_My drug addiction and my overdose…_

I needed to get the fuck out of this hellhole.

* * *

“Can’t we listen to something positive for once?” Gerard pleaded, but I pressed my hand over the radio.

“I need to listen to this”, I laughed, “I need to scream the sadness out of my lungs. Maybe then I’ll be okay”

He took a deep breath, “You know, you can talk to me, too, if you want to”

“Music understands better”, I laughed, “But thank you for the offer”

Memories flew between my eyes everytime I blinked them shut. I needed to keep them open - breathe in every gasp of fresh air between the trees. This was a new beginning, and I was leaving the hurt behind. No matter how long Gerard decided he would stay here, I wouldn’t be going back with him. For him, this was a vacation. For me, this was the start to the rest of my life.

Some sort of exploration or venture to seek happiness - something I’d rarely felt in my life. Something I think by now, I’d deserved. Even if I was so vile to push Mikey away.

\--

“Can’t we listen to something positive for once?” Gerard pleaded, but I was fast to hover my hand in front of the radio.

“I need to listen to this”, I smirked, “I need to scream the sadness out of my lungs, it’s the only way I know how to cope”

He rolled his eyes and let out a gurgled sigh, “You know, you can talk to me, too. If you need to”

“Maybe eventually, but right now music understands better”, I laughed, “But thank you for the offer”

Gerard groaned a little, but kept to himself and didn’t try to contest me. It was a small but kind gesture that I appreciated more than I was able to verbalize.

The ride was long, but the fresh air blowing against my cheeks felt better than the trapped, stale air in the Way’s house. I didn’t even mind the way the wind creeped in through my window and tangled my hair - this was a new beginning and I was leaving the hurt behind. We were seeking some sort of exploration or venture to find happiness, and I was determined to find it. 

Memories flew between my eyelids every time I blinked them shut. But it was an easy fix; I just needed to keep them open and concentrate on the foggy overcast and trees that obstructed my view of the skyline. 

\--

Gerard could barely keep his eyes open as we pulled into a parking lot of a motel, luckily flashing with a large sign that read “Vacancies”. I offered to go into the lobby, but instead he took control of the role - ordering I unload all of our bags from the trunk. 

_ I knew it was just an excuse so that he could pay for our stay before I had the opportunity to debate him - but this time, I let him. Being stubborn had always been a downfall of mine - to the point that I’d always denied help, even when I needed it. I’d repay the debt with time, but for now I’d at least allow him to help me out financially.  _

As he came back to the car, dangling the key between his fingers, I noticed a sheepish smile running ear to ear. 

“I think the girl in the lobby is into me”, He smirked as he leaned over to grab his bag.

I rolled my eyes at him, following his lead as we made our way over to the room, “Oh yeah? What makes you say that?”

“Just a feeling”, He proudly exclaimed, swiping the key fob against the reader and pushing open the door with the side of his arm, “She was acting really giddy, made sure to tell me they have a 24.7 coffee machine in the lobby. I think she wants me to come back.”

I snorted to myself, “I think that’s just part of the greeting”

“Yeah, well, maybe you’re right”, He grunted, throwing his suitcase on the first twin-sized bed, “Someone like that is probably out of my league”

I swallowed hard,  _ I was being too mean to him, even if it was jokingly. Gerard was a catch - and even though I couldn’t keep him, it didn’t mean he didn’t deserve to be happy with someone else. _

“You should go back and talk to her”, I blurted out, “Ask for her number”

His eyes darted suspiciously around the room before trailing back to me, “What? Are you serious?”

“Get me a cup of coffee”, I pleaded, “Go talk to her”

He chewed at the bottom of his lip, “What - are you crazy?”

“I could use a few minutes alone”, I continued, “I was thinking of taking a shower. And for the record, I doubt she’s out of your league”

He pressed his lips together anxiously and straightened his posture, “What should I say?”

“You’re charming, Gerard” I laughed, “You’ll think of something”

He continued to bite at the tips of his nails with anxiety, but after a few minutes of going back and forth, I convinced him to scoot off into the lobby. Like the creep I was, I watched him leave through the window next to his bed, hidden by an old paisley curtain. Although I felt slightly jealous at the sight of a huge smile on his face, it was settling when I saw the even larger one on hers. 

It felt strange to be disconnected from my cell-phone. Thoughts of Mikey creeped back into my head, and I regretted memorizing his phone number as I looked at the landline on our night-table. But as torturing as the phone was, I managed to keep my hands away from it and step into the shower that smelled faintly of smoked cigarettes and cleaning products. 

\--

The screen-doors squealed as I pushed them open and stepped onto the back porch. Upstate New York was a lot different than New Jersey - almost reminiscent of the relaxing, yet crazy nights we spent traveling on tour. The sky lacked light pollution and every star was visible with a vengeance - even displaying the flickers of satellites as they passed overhead. 

I could hear the front door click open, and within a few seconds Gerard made his way over to greet me on our patio.

“How’d it go?” I murmured, my eyes still fixated on the sky above me.

“I did it”, He exclaimed, “She was totally into me”

A tinge of jealousy pinched at my stomach, but I held it in, “Congrats! Did you get her number?”

From the corner of my eye, I could see him shrug his shoulders, “No… But she gave me some extra pillows”

I couldn’t help myself from blurting a laugh, “You didn’t even get her number? What happened to the sly, charismatic man I ran into?”

“She lives in upstate New York”, He laughed, “She’s cute, but I’m not so sure she’s worth my time”

_ It was weird to hear Gerard talk about another girl. I knew he deserved every second of it, but it solidified something deep down in my gut - I still had feelings for him.  _

“Fair”, I mumbled, “But you never know what the world has in store for you”

He let out a short laugh and shook his head, “What’s your hang up on me marrying this girl?”

“There’s no hang up”, I was quick to respond, “Just trying to be a supportive friend”

He nodded his head, “Thank you, my supportive friend. And on that note - how have you been holding up?”

“This is relaxing”, I took a deep breath, “You know, I threw my phone away back home. It feels freeing”

Gerard’s pupils grew wide, “You what? Why would you do that?”

“You were right about me and Mikey not being good together”, I started, “I didn’t want the opportunity to beg for him back. This feels like the first time I’ve ever had clarity looking back at it…”

“I personally couldn’t do it”, He smiled, “But I’m proud of you for that”

I smirked to myself, “Admittedly, that first night I must have called him a million times. He didn’t even have the decency to answer me. I don’t know what happened with him, but he isn’t my best friend anymore”

“I hear all of your fights”, Gerard sighed, “He’s the same way with you as he was with Leslie. Always mad, always yelling about something. Think he’s a little scared of commitment, but for a second I thought he’d found it with you. I don’t know what the fuck he’s doing over at Leslie’s, though”

“Just do me a favor - if you find out, don’t tell me”, I muttered, “I don’t even want to know”

“Okay”, Gerard started, “I won’t”

_ I regretted everything I’d done to Gerard. Leaving him and falling for his brother felt like a century ago; through the eyes of a different and very manic person. I craved stability but didn’t know how to hold on to it, while Gerard was jealous and suspicious with justified cause.  _

_ The more I thought into it, blood ran to my cheeks with embarrassment. I could only thank the dark for hiding my emotions.  _

“Thank you for coming along with me, Gerard”, I blurted out, “I appreciate you more than you know”

“Of course”, He cleared his throat, “I know you needed this. And I know you’d do it for me”

_ Things I love about Gerard: He’d always put me first, caring about my emotions more than his own. He was always sweet and knew exactly what to say. His charisma was endearing, and he was always forgiving. And more than ever now, he was spontaneous.  _

_ And at one point, he saw the future with me. I was just the one that broke it. _

“I’m getting really tired”, I yawned, “You wanna go inside?”

“I was kinda enjoying the quiet out here”, He smiled, “Sorta reminds me of your old apartment balcony - you know all the times we sat out there drinking wine?”

I smiled back, “Tomorrow, let’s pick up wine”

“Fucking, right” He excitedly stumbled over his words, “At least two bottles, because you’re probably gonna break one…”

I jokingly pushed his shoulder, “Hey! I’m not that much of a clutz”

He quickly moved back, this time with a sheepish grin on his face as our eyes met, “You are an adorable little clutz, whether you want to admit it or not”

I deviously squinted my eyes and chewed at my bottom lip, “Am not”

_ The tension was thick - and I wanted to lean forward and kiss him. Something about the way his eyes reflected the moonlight as they stared me down… _

The left side of his lips puckered into a bigger smile, “Whatever you say”

My heart was racing in my chest, complicating my breathing as I tried to swallow down all of my feelings. But before I could lean forward and press our lips together, he stepped back - smiling to himself, well aware of the sexual tension that he’d broken between both of us as he walked back into the motel room.


	46. Sour Skittles on a Mountain Top

“Holy fuck”, Gerared muttered, his jaw slightly open in awe as we took our last steps up the summit.

I chuckled to myself, “Beautiful, huh?”

“Uh-huh”, He murmured, “I can’t believe I let you talk me into this”

After two and a half hours of panting, sweating, and being eaten alive by nippy mosquitoes - we’d finally made it to the rocky top. With a large smile on my face, I could feel my eyes darting along the skyline that was beautifully garnished with surrounding summits that were blanketed by trees.

They looked so close from here - like I could take a few steps and jump to another. But I’d taken a small summit - I was only an ant to the rest of the notch. 

“Yeah, but you made it!” I exclaimed, giddy to collapse my legs over the ledge of rock and breathe in it’s surroundings, “Isn’t it better than New Jersey?”

Gerard followed slowly behind me, visibly dragging in energy as we made our way to the edge. Through winded breaths, he managed to mutter out, “Anything’s better than New Jersey”

“Breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth”, I exclaimed, halting my walk to stop and wait for him, “But you’re doing great, and we’re basically there, anyway”

He lifted his chin and sucked in through his nose, desperate to try and steady his pounding heart beat, 

“The air will do you good, it’s fresher up here. And - mmm”, I took a deep breath in and continued, “It smells like christmas from all of the pine trees. I think it’s time we rest our legs and bring out the snacks, somewhere over there”

His eyes followed the direction of my pointing finger and immediately scoured in fear as they landed at our destination.

“Are you sure?”, He muttered. “Right over there, by the ledge?”

I excitedly nodded my head, “Yes! Right there!”

“Uh”, He muttered, “Can’t we sit a little further back?”

I let out another chuckle and grabbed for his hand, “I’ll keep you safe, Gerard”

He begrudgingly intertwined his fingers with mine and let me pull him a few steps, before I stopped to scramble through my back-pack. As he sat down next to me, my eyes trailed away from the scenic views and focused in on a sweaty Gerard, who looked too nervous to peer any further out into the distance.

He quickly swallowed down every bite of his food, careful to only look ahead and not at what was lying underneath our dangling feet. 

“Thank you for coming here with me”, I smiled, “I really needed this. Sometimes it just feels like I can’t breathe back home… But being up here makes me feel unstoppable”

“Of course”, He muttered between bites.

We both fell silent for a moment - taking in the scenery, sucking down the last sips of our water, and ultimately enjoying each other’s company - until finally, Gerard let the cat out of the bag with, “Don’t take this the wrong way, but…”

“Have you considered, like…” Gerard started, pausing to take a breath before recollecting his thoughts, “I don’t know, I mean, you’ve been through a lot. Have you considered seeking professional help?”

I couldn’t help but burst out with laughter at the sound of his words, “Way to change the mood. You really think I’m that crazy?”

“No, no”, He panicked, desperate to save face after his poorly worded comment, “I didn’t mean it like that. You’ve just had this shit storm of terrible things happen to you, and the last thing I’d want to see you do… Is, well, struggle to stay afloat. I really don’t mean it like that, and I’m only saying it because I care about you”

I rolled my eyes with such intensity that I could feel my vision go blurry, “Yeah, right. Like talking to someone is going to make all of this shit go away”

He anxiously chewed at his bottom lip - and I could tell this conversation wasn’t easy for him. The look on his face told me he’d been thinking about it for a while.

“I don’t know”, He muttered, “Maybe it would. Just think about it”

My initial reaction was to shake my head and let out a condescending chuckle, but after a few seconds his comment made my head spin. _Maybe he was right; maybe I was the source of my own misery, bottling all of my ailments and forcing them out on the people who loved me._

“But then again, maybe you’re right”, I muttered under my breath, “I’m fucking crazy”

Gerard quickly shook his head, “I never said you were-”

“Like - I bring this all on myself, don’t I?” I cut him off, slightly panting with anxiety, “I do it all to myself. I push away the people who love me, to the point that I-”

“You didn’t push me away”, He spoke over me, “I came to this shitty ass motel in butt fuck New York with you and now we’re sitting at the top of a mountain. Don’t pity yourself like that, it’s only going to make things worse. I think you’re taking what I said the wrong way”

_It felt good to know he was still here - but someone else was plaguing my mind. Mikey._

“That’s just it, isn’t it?” I exclaimed, “I take everything the wrong way. I don’t think like I’m supposed to. I just… feel like a hollow shell most of the time”

“I feel that way, too” Gerard admitted, scooting closer to me, “Sometimes. I think we all do. But you know, I’m here for you, right?” 

I let out a deep sigh, “I- I know you are. Thank you for that. Can I ask you something?”

“Yeah”, He muttered, “Yeah, of course, anything”

“I know I told you not to tell me”, I started, “But have you heard anything from Mikey? Has he said anything about me?”

“What the fuck does it matter?” Gerard exclaimed, his demeanor slipping to annoyance, “After everything he put you through? He broke up with you over a text message. He’s probably still moping around on the couch at his ex-girlfriend’s”

_His words made my chest go tight, and I could physically feel my shoulders dropping in shame. I didn’t want to make Gerard mad at me, and I didn’t want to accept the truth._

“You really still think he’s mad at you for losing his child?” Gerard let out an annoyed puff of air, “I don’t know how if you’ve realized - Don’t you think he’s using it again?”

_Gerard was right, I’m probably the source of all of my own problems. Maybe Mikey isn’t upset at me for losing his child, maybe he’s just upset because of - me._

_I used to be the one comforting Mikey as he struggled through life’s problems, but now I was the one he needed comforting from - maybe that’s why he spent the night with Leslie. Could she provide him something I was incapable of, something I -_

_Wait, what did he just say?_

My eyelids fell with confusion, desperate to be wrong about the words that just came from Gerard’s mouth, “What did you just say? Using it?”

“Yeah”, Gerard started, “Wait - you didn’t notice?”

I shook my head, “Notice what?”

“It seems like I’m the first person to tell you this, but Mikey has a history of struggling with addiction”, Gerard started, “And from his behavior lately, I’d say he’s back in it”

“There’s no way”, I stuttered, “Do you really think?”

“Okay, I’m going to tell you something that I assume you’ve never heard before”, Gerard started, “And I want to start out by saying, we are all fuck ups - even you, Mandy. We all drink too much, hell - we all used to love our pills. But you weren’t the first person I found like… well… overdosed”

I kept calm, desperate to hear the rest of his story.

“In Washington, I found Mikey like that twice”, Gerard started, “It was part of the reason we came back here. After finding him the first time, I stayed the fuck away from that shit. I thought for the most part he did, too - but things got strange once he started dating Leslie. I have my suspicions that she provokes him into it”

“So you think Mikey’s taking pills again?” I blurted out, slightly panting with anxiety, “With Leslie?”

“He’s acting like it. Quick to anger, lifeless eyes, fuck - you don’t even think it’s him anymore. And he’s great at hiding it. But he can’t hide it from me”

My stomach went sour and I was struggling to keep down the feeling of vomiting. Each breath in through my mouth stung my throat. A mountain top that once looked beautiful felt unwelcoming and cursed. _Had I been too caught up in my own insecurities to see something this colossal?_

“You really think he would, and Leslie, do something like that?” I stumbled over my words, pleading for any answers, “How are you sure?”

“I know at the beginning they used to pop pills together”, He started, “I know Frank has complained of how much she uses. But that’s all the evidence I have. Everything else is just speculation. Shit, Mandy, I’m sorry you had to find out this way”

The earth around me was spinning. _This year hadn’t only taken a toll on me - it’d affected everyone around me who tried to be strong. I felt guilty, but I also felt angry that he’d been able to keep up this lie._

“I’m just glad I’m finding out”, I muttered, “I feel sick, like - not sure how I’m going to make it down this mountain kind of sick, but I needed this. It feels liberating to know the truth”

_As I closed my eyes, I was running back down the mountain and turning the keys into Gerard’s engine as I planned my drive back to New Jersey - like one of those stupid rom-coms, where I pull Mikey by the collar of his shirt and bring him back home, snuggling him until he feels better._

_But as I opened my eyes, I was still in the middle of the woods - miles and miles away from some who didn’t want me to be saved. Someone who’d rather pop pills with their ex-girlfriend than stand beside me at the edge of this mountain._

Gerard’s hand hovered over mine, “I know it hurts, but don’t cry. We’re going to get through this”

It was weird to hear him say those words. My skin was so numb, I couldn’t even feel the tears streaming down my cheeks until he brought notice to them. I quickly pulled away and used the arm of my sweater to wipe them away.

_If there was one thing I had on top of this mountain, aside from hindsight - it was Gerard. And I’d be damned if I let Mikey’s actions ruin our vacation together._

* * *

_(Later that night, a few drinks in)_

“You know, you’re really something Gerard Way”, I slurred, “You see way more of people than people see of you. Think that kinda makes you a god of some sort”

He smiled as he chewed at the bottom of his lip, “You think I’m a god?”

“You’re THE god”, I sang flirtatiously, my face moving closer to his, “The Ger-God”

He put his head up and burst out in a fight of laughter before exclaiming, “Well sugar, if I’m Ger-god, then what are you?”

“You called me sug-sugar again”, I slurred, “Like I’m sweet, but I’m really sour”

“You’re sweet?” He slurred, “Mmmm, I want a taste”

_There was nothing to hold me back. The alcohol had taken control, I was just in it for the ride._

“Then give me a taste”, I slurred, moving my face closer to his, “Tell me if I’m sour”

He pushed his lips up against mine and quickly pulled back, “You’re sour. Like a skittle”

I liked mine and laughed, “Do you like skittles?”

His lips made their way back to mine, this time greeting me with more passion, “I like pink skittles. You’re red skittles, and it’s close enough”

I bit his lip, “Close enough?”

He giggled and continued to brush lips with me, “I like your skittles”

_The conversation was going nowhere, we were both too trashed._

I pushed him down and jumped on top of him, this time strategic to make sure our lips wouldn’t part to spit out words and instead I could choke down my reality with saliva that felt like novocaine. 

After all - was it really so bad if it helped me numb the sensation of being alone with my pain?

“You’re there for me”, I stopped, pulling my head away to hold eye contact, “When no one else is. You’re always there for me and you care about me. Why do you do that?”

Gerard laughed to himself, “I’m not sure, really…”

“I left you, I hurt you”, I continued, “Yet here you are…”

Gerard propped himself up, preparing for a more serious conversation, “I pushed you away, I hurt you - and so you left me. After the way I acted, how could I expect to win you back? I deserved it”

I took a deep breath, “You didn’t deserve anything, and I’ve never deserved you”

“I wanna hold you”, He patted the bed next to him, “I want to make you feel like you deserve to be held, for at least tonight. Maybe in the morning we’ll regret this”


	47. Pleasure

But come the morning, I was only slightly starting to regret it. Gerard was a handsome man who knew me - inside and out, and still wanted to try his best to make me happy. After everything we’d been together, it made sense for us to inevitably end back into each other’s arms. 

This wasn’t going to be an overnight decision - but, mmm - as Gerard laid beside me, my mind was already trailing to the gutter. His touch was intoxicating, and part of me was ready to wake him up and do it all over again. 

But there were steps to this… whatever thing we had going, and I had to respect them. My heart still stung for Mikey and I’m sure Gerard could see this through my sleepy - bloodshot eyes. 

I wanted to get help. I wanted to try and rationalize all of the thoughts in my brain - poke around at the ones I buried deep, but Gerard was right, and I wanted to experience some good.

I escaped the bed first, slowly creeping into the bathroom - with the most tiny footsteps, desperately trying to give him more time to sleep in. After all, in just a few hours left, we had a long drive back.

For a brief minute, I made eye contact with the girl in the mirror. I didn’t mind what I saw, but I couldn’t help but stare at her glazed-over bright green eyes, or maybe the bags that fell underneath them. The stress was no longer internal; it was aging on my face. 

For that brief minute, I couldn’t help but wish for one good night - and morning. Falling asleep just to wake up with a smile on my face, excited for the curveballs life might throw at me today. But it’s never that easy, is it?

Gerard wrapped his forearm against the door frame, peering into the mirror with me, “Good morning”

I broke eye-contact with myself to peer back behind him, “Good morning”

“Whatcha looking at in there?” Gerard laughed, brushing his sleepy hair back with the tips of his fingers.

I chuckled out a laugh, “I can’t even explain it, sometimes I look in the mirror and I hardly recognize myself. But ultimately, I think I like the girl in the mirror”

“Yeah”, He smiled at me, “I like her, too. You wanna get breakfast before our trip?”

I smiled back at him, “Don’t you wanna say goodbye to lobby girl one last time?”

“Ugh”, he let out a whole body sigh, “You’re right - maybe she deserves that. Just one last hoo-rah goodbye”

I smiled up at him, but remained quiet. I knew he was joking, but I wanted to see how far he would go along with it.

“You like last night?” Gerard muttered.

I liked my lip and nodded my head, my eyes still fixated up at him, “Yeah. God damn, you are attractive”

His eyes grew in size and his posture perked up as he stepped closer to me, “Said from the most sexy girl I know. I’m flattered”

Our lips were getting closer, I didn’t even care if he had morning breath. 

Suddenly, I remembered everything. From our first shower, to the hours at night we spent tangled inside of each other’s bodies, to the sandy beach under the stars. Why did I ever let him go?

He was close enough now, that I could still smell yesterday’s cologne on his neck. It drew me in, and next thing you know are bodies are touching - until he pushed me against the sink - teasing me with fingers rubbing up and down my clitorous, begging to have it all. 

Even Mikey could never touch me like this. Mikey teased me with the unknown, but Gerard teased me with his fingers, and made me moan with every touch.

One last time before we packed up the room and left for breakfast - if we could stand it. Maybe I’d initiate some more on the way home. But one thing was for sure - everything would change between us the minute we walked into our front door.

And honestly, I wasn’t sure how long I’d stay. I hadn’t told him yet - but I was going to move out. It was the best for all of us, even if it meant I was losing my family. We were a toxic family who could see each other on the weekends. 

But I didn’t want to see Mikey, and I didn’t if Gerard would ever want to be serious again. 

So, for now, I let him inside of me - bent over against the countertop, moaning and pleading for him to go faster, deeper - and inevitably, begging for his cum. 

His morning breath was still as intoxicating as the night before, and as soon as we finished, I began collecting the empty bottles we’d scattered all over the room in our drunken mess.

He licked his lips and slapped my ass one more time, before pulling his pants over his legs and gravitating toward the clock, “Breakfast ends in 30 minutes. We need to go fast.”

“Why don’t you go without me and bring something back?” I smiled up at him, “Anything - bring it all, and bring coffee. I’ll clean up and get ready”

\--

I was supposed to be cleaning - but my next fixation was directed at the wired phone sitting in between both of our beds. 

_ I knew his number by heart. _

So I decided to do it - just for a scare. Just for some type of knowledge of what was coming next, what I was getting myself into.

And to my surprise, his voice answered the other line, “Hello?”

“Mikey?” I panted, “Is that you?”

He cleared his through, “Yeah. Who’s this?”

I took a deep breath.  _ Oh god, he’d forgotten the sound of my own voice. _

“It’s Miranda, isn’t it?” He continued, “I know your voice”

I could only laugh to myself, “Yeah - it’s me. I just want to call to see if you’re doing okay”

“Yeah, I’m doing great”, He answered awkwardly, “I guess the question is how have you been? Gerard taking good care of you?”

My insides were tingling with anxiety, but I didn’t want to let go of the conversation, “Yeah, he’s getting me breakfast, then we’re coming home. Will you be there?”

“I live there, Miranda” He sighed, “I’ll be there”

_ Calling him was a stupid idea. He wasn’t even calling me by my nickname anymore.  _

“Was there a reason you called?” He growled.

I let out a deep sigh, “My best friend broke up with me over text and ran over to his ex-gf’s house and -”

“I said a break”, He cut me off, “A break”

My anxiety was so pent up, I started shivering, “Have you been using drugs?”

“I don’t know, sometimes, why?” He snarled, “Did you call to fight with me?”

“No, I called you to let you know you really hurt me”, I started, tears budding at the corners of my eyes, “And I still miss you a lot. But I wanted you to say it to me on the phone. Why are you leaving me?”

He sighed, “Miranda - I’m not leaving you. All we do is fight. I was hoping some time away from each other may set us up to be stronger in the future. Because right now, I am just not mentally stable enough to be there for you. Your shit has hit me hard, too”

“But”, I started, “You’re the one that’s always been here for me. I’m happy to help you through everything… I always would… No matter what, and…”

I could hear tears in his eyes, “I know. You always help me. No matter what happens between us, you’re still my best friend in the end and no one can take that from us”

“Okay, Mikey” I muttered, “That’s all I needed to hear”

“We’ll talk in person tonight, okay?” Mikey continued, “I just can’t be what you need right now”

My body let out a forceful shutter, “I’ll talk to you then, Mikey”

_ Thank fucking god I didn't bring my phone. I didn't want to hear his voice ever again. _

\--

Gerard came back in with a pile of random foods - mostly oatmeal, cereal, and bagels - but he was quick to place it on the side of the bed and run over to me.

“I talked to him”, I stuttered, my body quivering and shaking with each breath I took, “I shouldn’t have. He sounded so fucking high”

Gerard went silent - I knew that me calling Mikey would be a steak knife to any sexual tension that was about to happen. This didn’t change the way I felt or saw Gerard, but it seemed to amplify the way I saw Mikey. 

Someone who wanted to raise a child with me now wants to leave me alone when I’m down. Maybe he isn’t who I thought he was.

But it didn’t change the way it made me feel. Hyperventilating; dry-heaving at the thought of a syringe hitting heroin into his veins. Shaking as if it was cold in the room, losing circulation to all of my extremities. 

I was done. I was a better person because of him, and now I was worse. But there was one person I could think of that created this resentment - and it wasn’t me.

It was Nate. With his slimy, rapist hands and child friendly sperm that he forced me to carry around. His perfect attempt at fake manipulation, someone I could trust throwing me on the floor after drugging me - the perfect crime. And even though I watched Mikey and Gerard throw punches and leave him to bleed all over the ground - it wasn’t enough for me.

I wanted Nate to feel pain. For what he’d done to me and everyone around me. I wanted Nate to die. 

But, between all of the chills, I managed to look up at Gerard and convince him otherwise. That I was doing better by myself, and I’d be okay tonight, thank you for the food, and let’s drie home.

Closer to my 9mm, Nate’s bar…

And maybe the end of my days. But in between, I was going to reach for Gerard’s hands and touch his lips with mine. 


	48. Like a bullet through a flock of doves

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Don't worry. This isn't the last chapter. Not yet, anyway.

_(Gerard’s POV)_

For the duration of the car ride, she kept looking over at me with eyes full of amour. Sliding her ice-cold fingers over my right thigh and squeezing tight as I laid my hand over hers. She seemed excited - joyous for the first time in a while, but as soon as we parked the car, she dragged her feet up the staircase and began to knock on Mikey’s bedroom.

The butterflies left my stomach as soon as the fighting started. In the normal Miranda fashion, she left me alone and confused - trying to wrap my mind around what the fuck just happened between us. My only justification was unfinished business, and I knew I had to let her fight this battle on her own.

I stretched my legs horizontally against the body of my couch, attempting to drown out the sound of their screaming with the sound of my music - but my morbid curiosity could only muster the guts to put one headphone in my ear. 

My body felt stiff. How could I relax at the sound of her weepy pleading for Mikey to swim back to reality, when all I wanted to do was break down his door and hold her tight between my arms?

I scrolled through the songs on my phone , but I wasn’t paying attention - I knew it was only fidgeting. My stomach felt too ill at ease for any other distractions and I could feel my own heart rate jolt at every crack in her voice as she tried to speak through tears. The most sickening part was listening to Mikey’s doped up response - illogical, irrational, unreasonable, and completely inappropriate. 

If he were in his right mind, he would never let those words fall from his mouth. But drugs are vile, and seeing him as a hollow shell of the person he used to be stung. Although I’d found him like this before, everything felt different - he moved like a zombie, and I wondered if we’d ever be able to pull him back into the depths of reality. 

This was the first time Miranda would really see him - and I knew how hard it would hit her. She’d blocked out his irritable, delusional addiction for far too long. 

But this is Miranda we’re talking about, and she probably thinks she can fix him. After all, I’d watched her overcome her own addiction at an alarming rate. The issue is that Mikey isn’t like her; and despite her impulsivity, she overcame it on her own accord. Miranda carries around a heart of gold and it’s one of the reasons I’ve never wanted to let her go.

My chest tightened at the sound of Mikey’s door screeching shut, and I listened closely to the sound of pacing footsteps in the hallway. 

I turned to my side, trying my hardest to lay still like the dead. I wanted to appear asleep, as if I hadn’t heard a scream - for whoever walked down those stairs. But staying still was hard as I watched Miranda storm down the stairs with a face full of make-up stained tears.

Between sniffles and tears, I could hear her mumbling to herself - but I couldn’t make out the words. Luckily for me, she was too upset to take in any of her surroundings - allowing me to turn some more, into a position that could get a better view on -

My stomach dropped at the sight of her brandishing something dark between her fingers, something so distinct and frightening - that she didn’t even try to conceal.

Through blurry eyes filled with tears, she grabbed for Mikey’s keys and stumbled toward the front door. She looked like an angel - so sad and delicate, but I was frozen with fear at the sight of a 9mm gripped tightly in the palm of her hand. 

I scrambled to my feet at the click of the door closing behind her. 

_Mikey -_

_She wouldn’t… She couldn’t… I would have heard the gunshot…_

My legs darted up the stairs, shaking with adrenaline as I swung his door open. He lifted his head to face me, shooting a stink eye that had me burst out a sigh of relief. The aggression on his face told me two things: he was too high to protest my actions, and mostly importantly - he was okay.

The sound of a car engine forced me toward his window, and I tried to ignore MIkey’s questions as I peaked my eyes between a crack in his curtain - desperate to get a better view. I could feel the adrenaline slipping into fear, but I knew I had to push through the stomach knots. 

A fresh coat of rain drenched the pavement, and served as the perfect buffer to reflect her backup lights. I couldn’t lose sight of her - but I could panic, and I did as her car began to roll out of the driveway.

Whatever vice she had planned - I was the only thing that could stop her.

In a state of anxiety and partial dissociation, I regained my bearings as the light for my seatbelt chirped at me to buckle in. But I couldn’t handle the multi-tasking as I tried quickly to follow her pace with a three car barrier between us. 

My jaw felt sore from gritting my teeth - worried about what might come next. _She’d finally lost grip of reality, but I didn’t want to lose her. I’d never thought of her as a mons-_

_Ah, I could never…_

_And where the fuck where we going, anyway?_

Three turns later, and the views were starting to become more familiar. Finally, we were passing the boardwalk that held so many of our lovely memories - but not ones that came from the direction she was turning. 

Once her car was at a full halt, I drove beside her - taking in the significance of the location. This was the bar she used frequent, and the first bar that we’d met… Nate.

Shivers went up my spine - was that her plan? To go after Nate with an unsteady finger trigger and probably miss each shot she took?

_She wasn’t a monster-_

But, maybe she was. I could see her pulling the slide back before continuing to hold it without a safety, and her finger resting against the trigger. 

Was she planning on hurting herself - maybe she wanted him to see her? Or was she planning on hurting him?

Either way - I knew it was time. I had to get out of the car and approach - knowing damn well that every action I took, every stupid word I’d stutter out of my mouth was the most crucial thing to controlling what happens next. 

With a gun in her hands, I was taking a risk with my own life. But I wouldn’t take that risk with hers. 

My first thought was to run to her car and desperately knock at her window until she realized I was there. She was stuck in thought, too phased to unlock the door - but she let the window crack so she could hear me better.

“What are you doing, Miranda?” I blurted out, “Let’s go home”

She shook her head, tears spilling all over the car. I took a deep breath, but I had no control over my anxious breathing.

“Hand me the gun”, I exclaimed, “We need to get you out of here, before someone sees you”

She stared at me blankly for a second, but managed to push her front door open. I quickly stepped back as I realized - the barrel was facing me, and her finger was on the trigger. Worst off, she had absolutely no concept of gun control.

“Nate’s the one who did this to me”, She groaned between tears, “He did it to all of us. Now look at Mikey - he’s an addict, and I’ll never be able to close my eyes again until Nate’s gone. So if you could just step out of my way…”

“Think about this”, I muttered out, my teeth back to chattering with anxiety, “There are consequences for your actions, so I want you to think through what you’re going to do next

I slowly inched closer to her, but was halted by the reminder of the face of the muzzle - which was still pointing directly at me. Her hands were quivering around the trigger, and I felt sick thinking she may set something off toward me. 

I raised my hands in the air, as if I were trying to admit defeat - but by now, I was thinking of the safest way to ambush her and knock the gun out of her hands. 

“I’m not going to hurt you”, She cried, waiving it in front of me, “I’m going to hurt him”

“Okay”, I nodded my head, “Okay, I understand”

But I didn’t understand, I just needed a way to distract her.

She was hysterical crying, and I could read her like a book - completely broken at the seams. I never thought she would be able to go through with something like this… but she’d made it this far.

Too far. With my hands still raised in the air, I discovered the perfect loophole to freedom. It was dangerous, but with a quick side jump, I managed to push my body against hers and force the gun out of her hands and into the air. Before she could do anything, I stabilized her wrists with the grip of my hand, and held down tightly until she stopped trying to fight me.

But eventually, she fell easy into my grip, as if she’d wanted someone to stop her. As she fell, she collapsed into my arms as a desperate mess of snot and tears all over my sweatshirt. Still terrified of her, I wrapped my arms around her back and brushed the tips of my fingers through her hair.

My eye was still on the gun, and I knew I had to secure it. I used my foot to fish for it’s edge, and then slid it close enough that I could pick it up and take on it’s custody. 

I knew I had to comfort her, but the most important thing right now was to hide the gun. I slid it underneath the band of my pants, uneasy at the idea of it being loaded. But right now - I couldn’t take it out to check the magazine. 

But as the seconds passed, I was afraid of what her next actions might be. Did she have back ups, when she came here to kill a person? Would she make a scene? 

“We need to go home”, I whispered, “I don’t want anyone to see you like this”

She picked up her head from my shoulder and sniffed, “Will you drive me?”

“Of course”, I sighed. Leaving her alone was on the last list of my to-do today.

After a few minutes of driving around in circles, listening to Miranda choke on her tears, and being stuck in my own head, I knew I couldn’t take her home. She needed real help, even if she’d never forgive me for it. 

Mikey needed help, too - and maybe I was the only sane person who could facilitate it. For tonight, Miranda would be getting the help she needed. So, instead of taking her home to a bed that would torture her, I drove up to the hospital. 

She surprisingly stayed calm, as if she knew it was something she needed. When the papers were presented, she voluntarily checked herself in. 

Although the ride home was lonely, I couldn’t help but breathe in a sigh of relief. Miranda had finally lost her fucking mind, and now I had to figure out a way to secure the gun so that she could never find it again.

The next step was dealing with Mikey. He wasn’t as easy - but it was something I needed to do sooner than later. After a few calls, Ray, Bob, And Frank rushed down to help me facilitate his rehab stay. 

By the time I got home, I woke him up with a lie - something about Miranda being in the hospital with no context, and it got him in the car. But he recognized the route, and threw a fit on the drive down. Luckily Ray drove with, and was there to try and get his mind off of it. 

As soon as I drove back to an empty house, I started wondering if I was the one that needed help - but Frank, Ray, and Bob kept me company with a pack of beers - something I’d never expect of them.

And although there was a lot I could never tell them, such as the events that led to admitting Miranda tonight - there was a lot of information I could rant on about.


	49. Sleepy Eyes

_(Gerard’s POV)_

“Mother fucker”, I groaned to myself in agony, “Just get off my car”

But the snowflakes wouldn’t listen, and instead they only seemed to scatter off in small flurries as I swung my snow-brush over the roof of my car. But my aim was as useless as my frost-bitten fingertips, and I knew why.

_Today was the day Miranda was coming home - and the faster I cleaned off my car, the quicker I’d be sitting beside her._

I just couldn’t tell if I was eager or terrified; maybe a concoction of both. The first few days without her felt like bullets to my heart, but as they passed by, the wounds were beginning to heal. 

It had been twelve long days of recovery - for Miranda, my brother, and oddly enough, myself. However, Miranda and Mikey spent their days in front of licensed professionals, and I had to hold it together in front of my drunken band-mates. 

They listened to enough of my rambling to give me solid advice - but there was a lot I kept trapped inside my mind. The three of us had secrets - from each other and between each other, and I wouldn’t dare let any of them roll off my tongue.

On the eighth day, I was drunk enough to think my wounds were fully healed. That I had begun to forget the sound of her voice - and for the first time since I’d met her, my mind drifted to other things. I was becoming stronger, and I knew it would be easier to stand resilient against her charm. 

But at the same time, I was weary of how tall my armor of mental clarity would stand at the first whiff of her floral perfume.

On the ninth night, Frankie drunkenly wrapped his arm over my shoulders and led me over to the couches - where he attempted to school me on the topic of Miranda’s wraith. He claimed she was void of emotion, although I’d argue that she was full of too much. He brutalized her intentions and shrunk them down to what he called “toying with my heart-strings”.

I couldn’t take Frankie seriously, anyway. He didn’t know her the way I did, and after all - he’s blind to the truth of his beloved Leslie and all of her charm. 

Ray told me she was too in love with Mikey to ever look at me with eyes of amour again, but Ray didn’t know the shit Mikey put her through. He could call me a recovering hopeless romantic, but I knew it was important to take everyone’s advice with a grain of salt. 

My fingers - the cold was starting to make them sting. _Fuck the laws, the rest of the snow can stay. With the heat turned on high, I’ll watch the ice melt off my front window from my driver’s seat._

The weather was just as vile as the thoughts racing through my head, but I was ready to drive through the blanket of fog and snow. After all, I was the one who got her into this mess.

* * *

A knock on my passenger door startled my day dream and reeled me back into reality. Bright green eyes looked up at me from beyond my window.

_She wasn’t supposed to get out this early, I was supposed to have five more minutes…_

_Was she smiling?_

As she plopped down in the passenger seat, my nostrils were overtaken with a vile aroma of hotel soap and baby powder. Her hair was knotted and she had dark circles underneath her eyes - but something about her still seemed beautiful and delicate like an angel. 

I couldn’t fault her for her unkempt appearance, as I was the one who tricked her into leaving without packing her belongings. But the more I looked over at her, the more I began to doubt my actions - cursing myself for putting her through another bout of unnecessary torment.

“Hey!” She exclaimed through a hoarse throat, “God, It feels so good to be out that place. The air feels so fresh out here… And I’m so happy to see you again”

_I thought I’d forgotten the tone in her voice, but these words sounded as if they were spoken from another’s mouth. And it was all my fault - wasn’t it? I shouldn’t have left you there to rot, Miranda…_

_Even if you were seconds away from taking someone’s life._

Chills of fear overcame my body, but I tried my best to fixate on the snowy road ahead. 

“Listen”, She cleared her throat, revealing a familiar pitch in her voice, “I need to thank you for bringing me here. I know I needed this”

I choked back the urge to burst into laughter, “Yeah?”

“Yeah”, She repeated, “Oh god - I am so fucked up”

I felt my shoulders relax their tension with pure relief - the sound of humor in her vocal chords meant she wasn’t mad at me. 

“You think it helped?” I asked.

She anxiously rubbed her fingers down the sides of her thighs, “Yeah- I, I think so. They gave me some diagnosis”

“Huh?” I blurted out, “What do you mean?”

“I mean, I guess all of that shit I went through really fucked with my head”, She started, “Something about brain chemistry and serotonin, and how mine’s just a disaster…”

I took a deep breath in, “Well that makes a lot of sense. What do they say it is?”

Although my eyes remained fixated on the road ahead, I could see her turn her head in shame from the side of my peripheral. 

“It’s called Borderline Personality”, She started, “I laughed at first, but when they showed me the symptoms, it felt like a joke, and more like a ‘holy shit, how can you already have my personality down on paper?’”

“Well, that’s good”, I exclaimed, “If they know the ailment, they must know the treatment - right?”

“Sort of”, She chuckled, “They gave me some medication. I was woozy at first, but things have felt a lot easier since then. I’m less sad and my mind feels less crazy, if that even makes sense”

“Shit, I need some of that”, I joked, “But really - I’m so glad to hear it, Mandy”

She smiled, “I have to thank you for this. And really, for all of your hospitality and friendship throughout the years. Your name came up a lot when I was talking to my therapist, and it started to make me realize how truly lucky I am to have you and Mikey as a part of my life, and -”

“Mikey’s in rehab”, I blurted out, interrupting her stream of thought, “I dropped him off right after you”

A few seconds of awkward silence surpassed us - to which, I could only describe as her trying to understand the situation beyond her. As soon as the light returned to her eyes, she found her voice again and blurted out, “Jesus Christ, Gerard. You’re everyone’s hero!”

For a brief second, I felt my guard crumble at the hum of her compliment. 

“I don’t feel like a hero”, I admitted, “Especially with what I have to tell you next”

I could feel my fingers shaking. She scratched the side of her head and ushered, “Well - go on, then”

“I’ve been doing some thinking, and well” I started, searching the depths of my mind to pull out words that could make this conversation sound any smoother, “I think it would be best if you moved out”

This hit her hard - for the first time since the car started, she genuinely went mute. I quickly continued my explanation, “Not today, I know you’ll need some time to find somewhere else. But we’re all falling apart and I think being apart is for the best - for all of us”

“You’re right”, She sighed, “I know you are, even if I don’t want to admit it”

My stomach felt sour and the grief seemed to be crawling under my skin. If not for my own sadness, I was feeling second-hand disappointment for someone I wanted to give the world.

Someone I was supposed to be in recovery from - forgetting the pitch of her voice, smell of her perfume, and more importantly, the sweet taste of her saliva…

* * *

“This place”, She exclaimed, her eyes scanning over the living room, “I don’t think I’ve ever seen it so clean”

“Heh”, I half-laughed, “Well, it’s just me”

She licked her lips, coldly taunting me with, “That sounds lonely”

I bit mine in defense as I watched her drag her right index finger over the back of the couches, “It has”

“Well, at least I’m back”, She muttered, spurting out her next words with pride and shame, “I can help to tear this place up a little… with the little time I have left in it”

I rolled my eyes at her. She was trying to play light of our shitty predicament through self-degrading humor, but it felt too soon to laugh. The concept of her leaving wasn’t solidified in my mind yet.

“Anyway”, She yawned, “I’m feeling a bit run down, you have no idea how little sleep I got in there. I think I’m gonna crash on my bed for a bit”

“Of course”, I nodded my head - following her up the stairs to disappear into my bedroom and do the same.

Instead, I stayed in the hallway for moments after she slammed the door - listening from the first crack of tears, to a series of loud crying that she tried to muffle into her pillows. Tears welled up in the corners of my eyes. I knew the pain she was feeling - as I was feeling it, too. The strength I thought I could keep was crumbling down within the first few minutes of speaking with her. 

I slid my feet against the floor until they met her door - and after I pushed it open, my legs found the strength to jump into bed next to her and grab her into a hug.

“You alright?” I soothed, rubbing her back gently as I kept her in my tight hold.

She shoved her face deeper into the pillow, “Yeah, I’m great”

“If you were great”, I started, “You wouldn’t be crying, my dear”

“I’m not ready for all of this to go away”, She moaned, her voice muffled against her pillow, “My only friends - you and Mikey. The ones who have helped me out and forced me through this life… I don’t think I would be here without you, you really think I’ll be okay on my own?”

My heart sank. Before I could get another word in, she continued, “I’ll miss this bed - the kitchen island that I leaned over at every party and through every breakfast, those stupid fucking long couches… This feels like the worst breakup ever, and I’m not even - ”

I desperately wanted her to stay in this bed, greet me each morning over coffee - fuck, did I really think this one through? 

Once she’s gone. She’s gone. And is she ready for that yet?

“You can still stop by”, I started, “Just living here, it isn’t good for all of us…”

“Is that what you think?”, She cried, “I don’t belong here? You and Mikey… heck, you are the only place I have ever felt I’ve belonged. Of course you are abandoning me, too…”

I shook my head, “No, that’s not what I think”

“Because, just thirteen days ago - I remember the way you touched me on that car ride, and I thought-”, She started, “I don’t know. It’s a bad time for everyone, and I know I’m certifiably crazy”

 _Holding her like this felt right - but it wasn't supposed to be this easy to melt away my protective exterior. There were a million things I wanted to say back to her, but with the little bit of pride I could salvage, I managed to hold my tongue - only enough to mouth the words,_ "I remember”

_It wasn't a lie. I remembered too much, including every detail in the middle._

“I thought I wanted this” She cried, “I thought I was ready to be alone. But now, facing the consequences of my reality. I'm not sure I'm ready...”

* * *

_(Miranda’s POV)_

Gerard’s squeezed his arms tightly around me, “You’ll know I’ll always be there for you. I was afraid you’d take it this way, but I want you to know - it hurts to think you won’t be here”

Between tears and inexorable gasps for air, I managed to mutter out the words “I know” with a sharp pain in my throat. 

_It wasn’t that I didn’t understand, it was that I didn’t want to go. Despite all the things we put each other through, they were the closest form of a family I’d ever know._

“Hey, hey”, He soothed, reaching the side of his thumb to wipe the tears on my cheek, “I mean it when I tell you that. This is just a bump in the road, and things are going to be okay in the end. They always are, aren’t they?”

“Yeah”, I sniffled and nodded my head, “Sorry, my breathing always gets - wobbly - when I cry and I wish I could -”

I sucked in another desperate breath of air and continued, “I wish I could stop myself from crying”

He let out a small chuckle, “I know, darling. Don’t fret, I’m right here”

Gerard kept his promise - he stayed with me, arms tightly pressed around my body until my breathing calmed down. But once he’d finally left me alone, I was having a hard time choking down the queasy feeling of abandonment.

I was freezing without a blanket on my toes, but overheating once I crawled under the covers. I wanted to sleep - desperately so, but my mind wasn’t reciprocating my itch for slumber. Instead I tossed and turned; unable to get comfortable as I threw around pillows that were either too soft or not soft enough against the crook of my neck.

But the whole time, I managed to keep my eyes shut - for I knew, if I opened them I would be haunted by the ghosts of memories past. Maybe that was both the exact moment that I really started to understand Gerard’s reasonings, and my final thought before drifting off into sleep.

\--

“What are you doing awake?” Gerard chuckled at the sight of my heavy, tired eyes, “It’s 3 in the morning”

I cleared my throat and licked at my chapped lips, “I needed water”

He leaned over the counter and tossed me a water bottle, “I bet you’re wondering the same about me”

“Honestly”, I started before chugging down sips of the water, “The thought hadn’t crossed my mind yet. I’m barely awake. Why are you?”

He laughed to himself and leaned back against the counters, “Well, I realized netflix put out all three Lord of the Rings movies - and now, here I am… 11 and something hours later”

“Wait”, I cut him off, “I was asleep for 11 hours?”

He smiled and nodded his head, “Yeah, looks like you royally fucked up your sleeping schedule”

I wiped the sleepies out of my eyes and shook my head in confusion, “Fuck”

“It’s alright”, He teased, “It seems like you needed it”

“Well”, I sighed, “I guess I’m awake, then. I’m gonna go take a shower”

“Alright”, He started, anxiously struggling to get out his next words, “But - How, how are you feeling? Are you alright now?”

_My heart fluttered with warmth and happiness. He was so adorable - so selfless and caring toward me. As scared of the idea of being alone felt earlier, I knew Gerard would never leave me to struggle by myself._

I turned my head to conceal the smile forming on my lips and began walking toward the door as I muttered, “Much better”


	50. Good Morning New York

(Gerard’s POV)

“Well, well” I exclaimed, my eyes scanning up and down a bright-faced Miranda as she hopped down the last few steps, “Good morning! What are you all smiles about?”

She scrunched her nose and excitedly scurried beside me on the couch, “You’re not gonna believe this!”

I chewed at my finger, desperate to hide the smitten smile spreading up my cheeks, “Try me!”

Her body turned to face me, “I think I found a place!”

The excitement in my chest disappeared into a sickening feeling of despondence, “A.. place?”

_It was too soon for those forest green eyes to leave me here. I could only hope that I’d heard wrong…_

“Yeah”, she squealed with happiness, “It’s only a few streets down from that motel we stayed in upstate New York”

For a brief second, her words turned into white static. _That motel was four hours away without traffic…_

“It’s so much cheaper to live there, and it’s so close to a hospital that pays almost double”, I phased back in to her, “I sent them my resume and they’ve already called me back. I don’t think there are as many qualified people, so I’m sure-”

“You’re not joking?” I cut her off without thinking, “When I said move out, I meant down the street…”

She bit at her lip and chuckled to herself, “I know, I know. It sounds cliche, but I’m embracing the idea of getting away from this town. It feels right”

_She was being impulsive again, but was it right for me to stop her? Maybe she needed this as much as she thought she did._

“What?” She blurted out, “You’re never this quiet”

I shook my head, “Sorry - I’m just trying to process it all. That’s exciting… Congrats”

_She could pick up on my hesitation, but I wasn’t really trying to hide it. This was a big step for the both of us, and it made my head spin in circles. Of course I’d suggested the idea, but I never thought she would take it to such an extreme._

“I thought you’d be a lot happier, is all”, She laughed, “Plus, think of how much fun we’d have when you come to visit”

_I had to say something._

“M-m-miranda”, I stumbled over my words.

_I had to say something, I just didn’t know what to say._

She raised her eyebrow at me, “Yeah?”

_I could feel my hands trembling with anxiety. Fuck, I had to finish my train of thought._

“What’s going on…?” She asked again, “You’re being weird…”

_My breathing felt heavy, and I tried to divert my eyes down - focusing on steadying each rapid rise and fall of my chest._

“Gerard!” She exclaimed, “Earth to Gerard. Are you alright?”

“Don’t go to New York”, I blurted out, “That’s not a good idea”

She stubbornly let out a puff of air, “You think I shouldn’t go to New York? Why not?”

“Because I love you”, I whispered, “And if you’re in New York, you’ll be too far away from me…”

With a pale face from all of the stress, I finally found the courage to look back up at her - and our eyes quickly locked. Her eyes seemed to glitter from inevitable tears welling up in the corners, and with a crack in her voice she asked, “Do you mean that?”

I leaned in closer to her, “Of course I mean it. After everything we’ve been through…”

Instead of letting me finish, she pressed her lips up close to mine - forcing me back against the couch as she unraveled the force of her passion against my mouth.

_I was unprepared for this kind of intimacy, this early on in the morning. I wasn’t supposed to let her get under my skin, but as she whispered the words “I love you” back through kisses, I couldn’t help but give in to her touch._

_As much as I thought I could avoid this - I began to realize now, it was inevitable. This was all I’d ever wanted._

_\--_

“Soo”, She murmured, her cold toes intertwining between my legs, “If you don’t want me to go to New York. What do you want me to do?”

“Hmm”, I exclaimed, “I hadn’t thought that far ahead…”

_Her naked skin felt so soft as I let my fingers glide up and down the side of her arm. All I could think about was this moment - how my lips burned from our aggressive kisses, but still yearned for more._

“I know you don’t want me here anymore”, She started, “But… have you ever considered… not living with your brother anymore?”

I let out a chuckle, “Only all the time”

“Would you ever”, She hesitantly started, “Consider… maybe… finding a place with me?”

Surprised, I quickly turned my face toward hers, “What do you mean, like, helping you find somewhere?

“No”, She shook her head, “Like moving out of here, and moving in with me”

I could feel my expression drop in awe, and I quickly rolled on my side to make better eye contact, “You want to move in together?”

She bit her lip and pushed a strand of hair behind her ear, “Maybe it could be the beginning of all those things you told me you wanted - maybe we could help each other”

I was left speechless - _she was a siren, drawing me in. But is this something I really wanted?_

“Unless I’m moving too fast”, She continued, “If so, you can forget I said anything…”

_Of course it was._

“You know what?” I muttered, “You wanna move in together? Let’s do it, then”

* * *

(Three Weeks Later, Miranda’s POV)

As Gerard’s lips pecked mine, they pulled away and exclaimed, “Your nose is cold”

I pouted my bottom lip and nodded my head, “Well, it’s cold, and I still have a few boxes left to bring inside”

“That’s right”, He laughed, “It is cold. That’s why I planned on bringing them over tomorrow morning. Luckily, we found somewhere a little closer than Upstate New York”

I sniffed, “But it was so pretty there”

“Nah”, He chuckled, “You know what’s pretty? That would be you. And I get to see it all the time…”

Suddenly, I was feeling frisky - and with a bought of confidence, I instructed him to “close the door behind him”

By the time he turned back around, I had already lifted a sweater off my shoulders - and stood there with a smile on my face, dangling it in front of me by the tip of my finger before dropping it to the ground and removing another article of clothing.

However, as soon as he caught wind of my intentions, he ran over to me to help me pull the rest off. Between passionate kisses, he lifted me over the top of our new kitchen island and hopped on top of me. It was a surreal moment, that only seemed to justify any ounce of hesitation between the both of us. Here, I didn’t have to muffle the sound of my moans - it was a place to call our own, and this was our chance to get cozy against a new kitchen island. 

The bedroom still had that “new apartment” smell, but we still hadn’t moved all of our things in, yet. This was a big step for me and Gerard - even larger than the time Mikey fooled me into thinking he would help raise my child. Even though we’d lived under the same household before, this one felt more intimate - with a master bedroom to share, and a giant living area for him to host his large get-togethers. And the kicker of all of his excitement, was the finished basement that we planned on turning into his music room.

Something about this place felt right. I couldn’t help but stare at him with eyes of amour, and he couldn’t help but kiss me on the lips each time he caught me.


	51. Nightmare

“He forgot to pick me up”, I whined, lightly kicking at rocks with the tip of my sneaker, “Again”

Mikey used his fingers to brush his hair behind his ear, “Don’t worry, Mir. I’ll walk you home”

“Thank you”, I started - the room eerily bubbling around me, “But I don’t think I need-”

Suddenly, and without warning, I’m standing at the front door of my father’s house - fixating down at the dirty, pine-needle covered doormat that my mother set down the morning she took her own life. A chill crawls underneath my skin, and I anxiously grab up toward the door handle. 

Since when was I shorter than the door handle?

But I can’t reach up, and with the might of my scrawny arms, I push into so hard that my feet lose balance as it swings open beneath me. As I picked myself back up, my stomach went sour - daddy wasn’t on the couch. Instead, he lay face down in a vile puddle of his own puke.

“Not like mommy”, I screamed, the odor burning my nostrils, “Please, please, don’t be like mommy”

I shook my head - adrenaline kicking into overtime. It felt like shooting Novocaine into my gums, drooling all over my chin each time I tried to talk. Instead of speaking, words screamed in the back of my mind.

Words like “they’ll take me away” played on repeat as tears sprung down the sides of my cheeks. “Daddy please” as I picked up his dirty dishes and tossed his broken bottles.

“Daddy, please”, I continued to cry, “Daddy!”

With one last final nudge, I screamed, “Please wake up!”

_It worked._

Before I could realize it, he let out a series of groans and growls before raising his hand and tugging down at my leg. I quickly lost balance, and as I slipped - I found myself face first into his old, chunky vomit. Up my nose, all over my lips, drenching my shirt as I howled in fear - 

And then, Gerard shook me awake, “You alright?”

Sweat pooled at the top of my forehead, drenching the front of my hairline and curling my locks in the wrong direction. 

“Bad dream?” He laughed, lightly placing his palm over the side of my arm.

I rubbed my eyes, still queasy from the thought. Of course, he’d woken me from a dream - but this one felt different, like a vivid memory of something that actually occurred. 

“Don’t worry”, He grabbed my hand, “I’m here now”

I squeezed his hand back and sat up - afraid my sleepy eyes would lead me back into that distant nightmare.

* * *

Gerard stood by my side as I swam my way through months of self discovery. This time, I was swallowing pills prescribed to me by a medical professional - held accountable to the correct dosage. Suddenly, I could feel my feet planted on the ground as the world surrounded me. Things were finally falling into place, stable for the first time in my memory. But deep down, I knew there was still an open wound.

My father.

His bad decisions always haunted me, but lately they began to seep into my dreams. I’d found myself turning in my sleep, re-living vivid memories that I thought I was capable of holding back. 

It’d been a long time since I’d heard his voice, and the silence felt deafening. We’d been in the trenches together - sharing witness to one of the most horrific moments of both of our lives. My father lost his wife, his best friend. And when I lost my mother, I lost my father as he self-medicated his depression with bottles of beer. 

Knowing what I know now about love - fuck, had I been in his shoes, I would have probably done the same. But I’d abandoned him long ago, and I knew I owed him an apology. I wanted closure; I wanted a dad. But I knew I couldn’t handle the stress on my own.

As I mentioned, Gerard had been a great support system for me - but there were things he could never understand. By now, Mikey had finally been released, and our contact became intentionally minimal. It was as if we were both scared of each other - afraid of what might happen if we saw each other’s eyes again. I didn’t want to cave, I had a lot of love for Gerard, and it was the way I wanted to keep it. But deep down, the pain Mikey had caused me felt irreparable, and I couldn’t help my heart from flickering each time I thought about my childhood best friend.

But in this case, that was just it. Mikey was there, for some of it, at least. He’d seen my father’s wrong-doings first hand, and he knew exactly what I’d be facing. So, with Gerard’s kind-hearted permission, I finally grabbed my jacket and left the front door to recruit Mikey’s help.

With each step, my stomach felt tight. As I got closer to his house (my old home), second-guessing my decision became easier. But I’d made it this far now - and I didn’t want to turn back.

My heart leaped with anxiety as he answered the door, and his eyes grew wide with fear as they peered over me. A moment of silence precursored his greeting, and I used that time to study his appearance. 

_He looked better than he had before._ Although he was still skinny, his bones were covered with a thicker coating of fat. Ultimately, he looked healthy - and it made me sad to realize how little attention I’d paid to his deteriorating appearance.

“Well hello”, He hesitantly greeted me. The sound of his voice stung me with a wave of nostalgia.

“Hey Mikey”, I muttered, “It’s been a while”

He crammed his fingers into the pockets of his pants and let out an anxious puff of air, “A while… It has been”

_Things couldn’t have felt more awkward between us. The quiver of his breath told me how unwanted my presence was - but I needed this. And once I explained, I could only hope he would understand._

“Can I come in?” I asked, “It’s cold, I’m starting to see my own breath out here”

I could see his pupils dilate with fear, but despite his hesitation, he reached forward and propped the door open, “Yeah, yeah - of course. Come in.”

_At the age of seven, I would have never foreseen such cumbersome discomfort between me and Mikey - but here we were. Poison to each other, with toxic bad habits that rivaled each other’s sanity. It was even more strange, that after all this time, we lacked the ability to agree upon a happy medium. But we were supposed to be unstoppable; forever best friends, and I wasn’t ready to give up hope on that sick dream._

“I know it’s weird, me stopping by here”, I muttered, stepping closer to the couches that held so many disturbing memories, “But I came here because I need your help”

He was partially speechless, but instead he nodded his head - following close behind as I led him into the living room, “Yeah, anything. What can I do for you?”

_We weren’t seven anymore, and the grim reminder set in over how grown-up and bland our conversation played out._

“I want to reconnect with my dad”, I started, taking a deep breath to process the crazy words falling out of my mouth, “I want to find out if he’s even still alive”

Mikey looked tense, but he continued to sit down and play along with my conversation, “Your dad? Really?”

“I can’t explain it, Mikey”, I nodded my head, drifting my eyes across the living room - that seemingly hadn’t changed since I left, “I keep seeing him in my dreams. He’s my only living relative, that I know of at least, and uh - I haven’t heard from him in a long, long time”

“Yeah but-”, His voice was stern, and his mannerisms changed to mimic the Mikey I’d known before, “You left him for a reason. Remember what he did to you? How I hid you from him - I just don’t know why you’d want to do this”

I licked my lips and swallowed hard, “He didn’t do it on purpose, and I see that now. He lost his way after he lost his…. My… Mom… And if these past few years have taught me anything, after everything we’ve been through, well…”

“I can help you”, He stated bluntly, “But what do you need from me?”

_There was no need for me to elaborate, I knew he’d understand._

I sighed, “I just didn’t want to be alone, it felt right that I’d have you there with me… after all, if shit goes sour…”

“I get it”, He nodded his head. 

Time may have passed by us, but fuck, it was apparent now how weak it stood against our ability to read each other’s thoughts. I didn’t need to find the words to explain my actions - communicating in silence came natural.

I could feel my stomach twisting into knots as my mouth tried to choke down thoughts I wanted to scream:

_God fucking damnit Michael Way - why did we sever such a paramount bond? How did we let something so genuine become so fucking toxic?_

_You were my best friend and you were supposed to be my forever._

I could weep, or rather, fall to pieces if I thought too much about the way age gracefully took ahold of his facial features. Everything about this moment - the smell of stale air, the fabric of the couch… All of the memories proceeded me. _Was it supposed to be like this?_

But instead of caving into my emotions, I slapped my palms against my thighs and stood up, "Thank you. That's all I wanted to ask. I haven't planned anything yet, but I'll let you know when you do"

He nodded his head, still seated as I began to take my first steps toward the front door. He opened his mouth as if wanted to say something, but he stayed quiet. Deep down, I didn't want to leave this house. _It felt like I was already home - But I wasn't._

Before I knew it, I was standing in front of the door - but before I could grab for the doorknob, Mikey's voice halted me, "Mir- Wait"

I hesitantly turned around to find him walking in my direction. 

"Before you go", He started, "I just wanted to say - it was really nice to see you"

I half-smiled in agreement, "It was nice to see you too"

"Can I-", He started, "Can I at least get a hug before you go?"

I took a deep breath in, chewing at my lip as my eyes grew wide. 

"Of course", I nodded my head as I moved closer, inching my body between his tight arms. 

The scent of skin flashed nightmares of memories in front of my eyes. Time seemed to stop for a year before he released his grip and stepped back. 

"I'll see you around", I muttered, finally pulling the door open - now desperate to run out.

I could hear him step toward the door, yelling back, "Take care".

This was the moment reality grabbed me by the throat and shook me, forcing me to heave for desperate breaths as the world I’d worked so hard to build crumbled before my eyes.

I wanted to blame it on the universe’s sick sense of humor - but I knew deep down that this was the moment I needed. As I walked home through the teeth-chattering cold, I felt pathetic. I was surrounded by my own decay, and I knew it was my fault for letting myself collapse inside of it. 

With blurry eyes from tears that were impossible to stifle, I was already dreading the incoming migraine. I knew, deep down, that seeing his face would insight this kind of reaction - but I didn’t know it would come as such a strong wave. It was nobody else’s fault by own.


	52. Chapter 52

_ I thought that everything was going to be a certain way - I thought that karma would lead me in the right direction. But, if you hadn’t figured it out by now, nothing in my life could ever feel stable. I found myself curled up on the bathroom floor, choking out tears as the world spun around me. _

_ Gerard was at work, and I couldn’t have felt more thankful because I’d never want him to see me like this. Because if he’d asked, how could I ever explain? That even though we had such a perfect relationship, and even though he’d treated me with all of the respect in the world - my thoughts trailed off in directions I could never understand. _

_ And I hated that about myself. I love Gerard, and when I’m with him everything feels stable. But there’s another part of my mind - the one that questions if I could ever deserve him. He’s kind, sweet, gentle, and understanding. But how the fuck was I supposed to control these emotions in my head? _

_ If you love somebody, are you supposed to feel these types of emotions?  _

_ Since seeing Mikey, a part of me began to question my reality. My therapist tells me that I should ignore these thoughts - that they are just impulses, another symptom of my insanity. Instead, my therapist continues to medicate me, creating another prescription dependency that we try to play off as not being addiction.  _

_ And this is why I stopped telling her things.  _

_ The floor felt cold against my bare knees. I should have expected this when I collapsed against the hardwood - but I love hardwood flooring, it was the main reason we moved into this apartment. Gerard chose this place because I told him I wanted hardwood, but I could feel the prickles rising on my legs. _

_ I know he’ll be home soon, and I’ll have to find a way to minimize the puffy circles under my eyes. He’s supposed to be the person I can talk to, but how could I talk to him now? _

_ This is why I found myself on the floor - unable to process my thoughts, incapable of verbalizing my emotions. Why does love take such a hold over my life? Why am I so weak to emotions, why must I feel things in such an intensity? _

_ And how lonely would I feel if I didn’t have these emotions? _

_ And how much longer could everyone handle being around someone like me? _

_ Mikey was supposed to be my best friend - and despite all of the shit we put each other through, we are still best friends, because that’s what best friends do. But what if I’m missing the opportunity to be with the love of my life - or what if Gerard is the love of my life, and what if I let him go? _

_ Gerard is so delicate - he treats me like I’m delicate, but he’s so fragile. And if he ever caught wind of the thoughts in my head, maybe he’d shatter. But I’d never allow that. _

_ I love how warm he is. He always takes the time to hold me, and if he knew what I was doing right now - he’d be right here with me, stroking his fingers through my hair as I wept out all of the water in my body. But wouldn’t Mikey do the same? _

_ Maybe my emotions are this fucking deep because I finally tracked him down. I found my father. And I need Mikey there, because I truthfully can’t face him on my own. The wound is too deep. _

With a quivering breath, I pressed my palms against the hardwood and levied myself up. But I stood up too fast - and for a brief second, the world was woozy around me as the blood rushed back to my head. Looking back in the mirror, I came back to myself - steady now, as I wiped the tears from my eyes with the sleeve of my sweatshirt. 

_ Why do I cry so much? Stop! _

I took another deep breath in.

_ I need to get myself together. _

But it was obvious as I looked back at my reflection - puffy eyes stared back, struggling to catch a breath. 

_ Mikey would understand if I called - but how do we do this? When? Tomorrow, next week? What if my father wasn’t there when I went to see him?  _

I pulled my phone from my pant pocket.

_ Should I call him? Would he answer? Well - of course Mikey would answer. But could tell I’d been crying from the tone of my voice? Of course he would. But could I play it off - blame it on the fear of seeing my father for the first time? I could. _

My fingers dialed his number without thinking about it, and much to my alarm, he answered on the second ring.

I hesitated, but the sound of his “Hey, what’s going on?” brought me back to reality.

I sniffed.  _ I should have held it back - I should have struggled to breathe through a stuffy nose, because now he knew. Every word that came out of my mouth after that one sniff was a tell-tale sign that I had been crying. _

“Hey Mikey”, I muttered.

“Everything alright?”, He muttered.

“Yeah”, I started, “I’m alright”

I stuttered a deep breath in -  _ I hated myself. Why did I have to make it so painfully obvious? _

“I’m fine”, I spoke again, “I’m just a little upset, I found him”

“You”, He started, “You found your dad?”

“Yeah, I figured it out”, I started - subconsciously nodding at myself in the mirror, “I found him. The internet is great, but I just don’t know what I’ll expect”

Mikey went silent for a second - and I could only imagine he was feeling a similar level of distress. But he eventually found the words, “That’s great. When do you want to go?”

I took a deep breath.  _ I wanted to seem okay. Only I could see the bags under my eyes right now. _

“I was thinking maybe some time this week”, I started, “When are you free?”

He let out a chuckle, but I think he could tell I was crying - I think he was just trying to play it off, “I’m free pretty much all of the time”

The clock was getting closer to nine pm - a moment sooner to my shift.  _ I had to pull myself together, for him - and for myself. _

“I have mornings off”, I started, “I work nights again. But maybe we could do something in the afternoon”

“Tuesday?” He asked.

I continued to nod my head, “Tuesday at noon?”

“Tuesday at noon”, He mimicked.

“I don’t know if I’m going to be able to hold it together”, I mumbled.

“Hey”, He soothed, “It’s going to be totally fine. I’ll be with you every step of the way”

_ Hearing him speak those words almost made it feel worse. They were comforting enough to bring back repressed feelings, and I’d wished I hadn’t heard him say those words. But oddly enough, they did calm me down. _

“Thank you”, I started, “I really appreciate that. I’m really glad you’re back in my life”

“Me too”, He was quick to respond, “I don’t know why I wouldn’t be. You’re supposed to be a staple in my life”

I took a deep breath, “Well I’m still here, aren’t I?”

He laughed a little, and I somehow let out a chuckle back. By the time we hung up, the realization that I would once again have to lay eyes on my father - with my best friend Mikey - began to set in.  _ I knew I could do it - or at least I felt like I could do it. _

_ Maybe this change of heart, maybe this fondness I had for my own sanity would come through. I wanted to do this. _

I turned the knob on my shower - desperate to wash off the sad. Tonight I’d be going into work as a nurse again, dealing with people who had it much worse than me - and maybe things would stop feeling so bad.


	53. Disarray

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm back.

For a brief second, we lay still - lost in the serenity of each other’s body heat as we snuggled tight against our small couch. Most days, my mind could run a million miles a minute - but the second I burrowed my head into Gerard’s chest and breathed in a deep whiff of his musky cologne, things felt somber. 

But, of course, our silent tranquility was cut short by the ding of our doorbell. It was a funny thing - the way our eyes met and locked in anxiety, begging each to keep quiet and fend off the unknown. Because, really, what could stand on the other side of my door?

The back of my mind echoed sick and hollow theories, ones that I’d never speak out loud. I could only wonder if Gerard’s mind ran with the same amount of crazy: _theories of burglars and criminals, police officers delivering us news of fatalities, my father stumbling on the front step with a bottle of wine gripped between his fingers -_

To my dismay, the doorbell rang again - and this time, Gerard flinched his head toward the hallway and muttered, “Were you expecting someone?

I quickly shook my head, my voice barely reaching a whisper, “No, but who could it be? Why would anyone come here without-”

The sound of knocks interrupted my stream of thoughts and caused Gerard to let out an annoyed groan as he stretched his heels flat against the hardwood, “Alright, I’ll get it”

I nervously scrunched my eyebrows and shook my head, desperate to stop him with a quiet, “No, wait-”

“Relax”, He hushed me, his body fully absent from the couch, “I’ll go make them leave”

I wanted to argue my point - plead with him to remain still and subdue my reality, if only for a short time. Instead, I took the ladder; audibly sighing to myself as I leaned my head back on the couch. The spot where his body once lay remained warm, and I phased myself back out with the lingering scent of his cologne. 

_I was being crazy again, anxious of what I didn’t know._

Another stomach deep breath of air helped me sink deeper into relaxation, and before I knew it, a smile was creeping up it’s way up the corners of my mouth - my mind humming with the thought of Gerard. I was able to maintain my composure for a few more minutes before the bickering started, and the anxious pit in my stomach returned.

I jumped to my feet and charged toward the door - where the intangible muttering of Gerard stood overpowered by a female’s voice. As I stepped closer, an unbeknownst female with short dark hair pushed her hand against the frame of my door. Her gold bracelets clanked against each other as they fell down her wrist, and I was horrified at the humility in her eyes.

“And who’s this?”, She scowled, her pupils dilating as they peered me up and down, “Huh, Gerard? Who’s-”

Before she could finish her sentence, Gerard pushed the door back- forcing her to jump back to the edge of the step. He was panting now, red in the face as he tried to explain the situation - but the words wouldn’t come out. Even worse, she hadn’t left - vengefully pounding on the door, screaming nonsensical utterances through a raw throat. 

“Do you know her?”, I muttered, stepping backward from the door.

Gerard’s cheeks remained red with frustration as he peered back at me with glassy eyes. All he could do was nod his head, anxiously spurting off words like “Yes- I know her, but it’s not what you think-”

By now, his words were nothing more than static noise. I had to get out of this place, find a place with more welcoming air. 

“Please, Mir”, He begged, “Please, just believe me. Say something, anything. You know I would never-”

“I don’t want to hear anymore”, I scowled, throwing my jacket over the shoulder of my arm, “I’ve seen enough. She’s calling your name, Gerard. Why don’t you run to her?”

“She’s crazy”, Gerard started, “It’s never been anything like that, maybe way beyond before me and you had ever become - well - this. I would never hurt you that way, sugar-”

I could still hear her banging on the front door, losing her voice as she gave in to her screams. She terrified me - like a creature that I knew I should hide from. 

I wanted to believe Gerard, but it was hard to believe anything anymore. From what I’d just witnessed, his secret lover snapped at the sight of me - and now he’s trying to put the blame on her. But could I really blame Gerard, as much as he didn’t know of my previous infidelities?

My legs were already in front of the back door, and as I slid it open, I looked back at him, “I just need to get out of here. I need to think, I don’t understand what’s going on”

“So”, He started, “That’s it, then? You’re leaving me?”

“I need to think about this. You know, I thought you were the only one who I could really trust in this world, but I feel lied to. Whether it’s just some crazy ex, or maybe someone you’re now seeing. I would have at least liked to have some inclining of an understanding-”

He shook his head, his eyes still glassy as he spoke, “I promise you, this isn’t what this looks like”

“Just get away from me”, I pleaded, taking my first steps out the back door, “I need some time alone”

“Miranda, don’t do this”, He begged, “Please don’t leave me”

I let out a deep sigh, “I trusted you, I thought maybe you were the one for me. Of course now, it’s coming to light. You couldn’t love me - you’re sick, and I’m sick. Just let me go”

\--

Of course, without realizing it, my shaky legs had taken me to Mikey’s place; the only location I’d ever really called home. He was quick to answer the door, greeting me with a, “Is it Tuesday already?”

I tried to smile, but as I shook my head, the tears made their way down my cheeks, “It’s sunday, and I have nowhere else to go”

He looked both ways behind me before letting me in and leading me over to his couch. A chill preceded the tears; a nerve wrecking panic attack. It felt like everything was crashing down around me, and I didn’t know if it was possible to swim to the surface. 

Every person I’d ever trusted, every person I’d ever loved - had ultimately let me down. And who the fuck was this woman, with smaller hips than and clearer skin than mine?

“Talk to me”, Mikey wrapped a blanket over my shoulders, “What the hell is going?”

I sniffed, trying hard to regain my composure through teardrops, “Gerard”

“Is he okay?” Mikey asked, to which I quickly nodded my head.

“Did he hurt you?” He continued, his pupils dilated with curiosity. 

I shook my head again, “There was some other girl, I think he’s been sleeping with her. She came to the house and she was just so angry that I-”

“Holy fuck”, Mikey muttered, “This isn’t like him. Why the fuck would he do this to you?”

I sniffed once more, “She was so pretty, and I understand that I’m a handful. He just made me feel like less of a handful, and I guess it was all a lie”

“Oh you’re a handful”, Mikey tried to kick in some humor, “But that’s why we’re made with two hands”

With a stuffy nose and eyes full of weepy tears, I still managed to let out a chuckle. He pulled me into a hug, his arms gripped much too tight around my body - but I wouldn’t speak a word.

“Can I stay here tonight?”, I muttered, “I can’t go back to him. I just have nowhere else to go”

He nodded his head, “Of course. In fact, fuck- I’d love the company. When’s the last time we had a good, ol’ fashioned sleepover?”

I shrugged.

“C’mon!”, He smiled, “This place is so lonely now. Used to wake up to Gerard making breakfast, spend my days lounging on the couch with you, and man- nights were always some crazy adventure”

He was right. This was the calmest I’d felt in a while - this was the closest thing to home I’d ever known. And besides, this nostalgia would be worth it to relive - as after tonight, I don’t know how much more of this life I was willing to take.

You see, now, I’d had a plan. A plan to end all of the suffering for myself, and everyone around me that I’d hurt. I didn’t care how much it hurt, I just wanted it to end. Each movement now, well, they were my last steps before I leave this world. All I could do was cherish them now. 

\--

“Good morning”, Mikey greeted me - the lump of sadness who fell asleep on his couch the night before, “How are you feeling?”

I sniffled, “Maybe it’s all this crying, but I feel pretty shitty. Like I’m coming down with something”

“Being sad can feel like that”, He muttered, plopping down beside me on the couch, garnishing a box of tissues, “Anything I can do to cheer you up?”

“It’s all just relative”, I moaned, “Nothing will ever cheer me up again”

He scrunched his nose at me, “What on earth are you talking about?”

“No one will ever love me, no one will ever want me around, I am an utter failure, I have no place left for me on this earth”

Mikey slapped his hand on my thigh and squeezed at it, “Don’t you dare ever say anything like that again. You’re feeling bad for yourself now, but you’ve always been loved”

“I think it’s too late”, I muttered, “I’m done with life”

“Stop talking like that”, He begged, “You are not done with life”

“Look at us, Mikey”, I started, “The sad story of a love that once was, melted away before our eyes. Of course, we’ve both made bad decisions - but you did it, you woke up one day and decided you couldn’t handle me anymore. Now Gerard, he needs someone else to numb the pain…”

“Miranda, I was high on Heroin when I broke up with you”, He admitted, “I was in a bad place, and I hate myself for it every day. I don’t understand it. I came back, and you were with my brother again. And I figured, let bystanders be bystanders. I fucked up, but it hurt me real bad”

“Really?” I lifted my head.

“Of course”, He began to stroke at my thigh, “I always thought you were the love of my life, or some wild shit like that. Like the cards fell into place to trip you right before me in that forest. I’ve loved you since the moment I laid eyes on you, we’ve been through hell and back and you’ve always been on my mind. But these days, I try to suppress it. And oh god - I’m not trying to sound pathetic. I just thought you needed this. I know I hurt you and I could never make up for it”

“I thought I scared you away, after our child… died in my stomach”, I sighed.

“Are you kidding?”, He started, “You could never scare me away. That made me sad - I wanted a kid with you, but I could never blame you. I thought maybe it was a blessing in disguise, that the next one would actually have my DNA”

I shrugged, “And Leslie?”

“What about Leslie?” Mikey hummed, “She’s hopelessly in love with Frank, and would never leave him. That ship died years ago. Plus, she’s dealing with her own shit”

“And do you think Gerard has been cheating on me?” I asked.

He shrugged, “It’s out of character, because I don’t know - he doesn’t do shit like this normally. I thought he really loved you, he always seemed like he would do anything for you”

I buried my head into his blanket, “I’m really worn out, I’m really tired. I want to sleep now, I don’t ever really want to wake up from it”

“Listen”, Mikey started, “I’ll be right here when you wake up. You need to stop talking like that”

After a few seconds of quiet, he continued, “Do you want my bed? It’s much comfier than the couch?”

I nodded my head and looked up at the stairs. Oh- the memories. Leslie’s footsteps, shaky crutches, kisses from Gerard as he greeted me at the bottom.

The shaking started the second my head hit his pillow. It smelled too much like him, the bed sheets were too familiar. He sat down next to me and pat at my back, nervous to leave me alone.

“Can I hold you?” He asked.

I nodded my head through sickly tears, “Yes”

His arms slipped around mine, and we both drifted off into a slumber - one I’d fully regret come the morning.

\--

“I don’t know if I can sleep anymore”, Mikey whispered in my ear - causing me to flutter open crusty, tear-soaked eyes.

The sick feeling was still there. A nauseating combination of numb depression, that I couldn’t yet shake. I had so my shame for the way my life went down, and all I wanted to do was force myself back asleep.

“I don’t feel good”, I mumbled, turning on my side, “I’m going back to sleep”

“I can get you coffee”, He started, “Or ginger ale, I don’t know which one you need”

“Neither”, I muttered, “Just sleep”

I knew he was too scared to leave me alone. He relaxed his arms back around me and held me as I cried myself back into oblivion. I knew eventually he’d leave me alone, but right now was not that time.

He let me stay over again - gave me permission on account of my condition. I’d barely left his bed, other than to pee at the very last second (because I’d rather hold it in than exert effort). I couldn’t swallow food, but I could occasionally spit out chunks of vomit. Something had snapped inside my head. Something I’d never felt before - I’d never once given up on before.

Seeing Gerard with another girl was the last straw. The last flicker of reality. I was never getting up from here.


	54. Insatiable

(Gerard’s point of view)

“Dude I- I fucked up”, I muttered, breathless as I clung to the phone, “I don’t know what the fuck to do, but I fucked up…”

Mikey let out an audible sigh - and without speaking a single word, I could already get a grip onto how much he knew. I anxiously rubbed my thumb against my index finger, frustrated as I scowled out the words “So she’s there?” 

“Yeah”, He whispered, “She’s here”

I recognized the squeals of his back door through the phone - and by now I already had a disturbing visual on the scene going on around him: a quiet voice, stepping away from her to continue our conversation.  _ He knew everything by now. _

I sucked in a deep breath of air, “Well - is she okay?”

“Yeah”, He muttered, his voice gaining momentum as the words fell from his tongue, “She’s okay, for someone who cried herself to sleep on my couch last night. I don’t want to wake her, but man, what the fuck happened? Why would you do that to her?”

A wave of embarrassment and regret caused my shoulders to droop in stance.  _ I was now a puddle of defeat.  _ Still, the idea of her asleep on the couch - safe, warm, in a place she knew and trusted - was enough to keep me going.

I couldn’t answer his question without yelling, and I didn’t quite have the energy for that. Before I knew it, dead air filled the line between us. 

Mikey wanted the last word, “You really hurt her”

“Like you haven’t-” I started.  _ A stubborn, pre-programed response.  _ I took a deep breath and sorted my thoughts, “I never meant to hurt her. Alyssa just showed up, I didn’t ask her to come-”

“Alyssa?”, Mikey cut me off, “Who the fuck is Alyssa?”

_ He was angry. I could tell from the demeaning tone in his voice. There was no point in lying to him - I’d been caught. I knew whatever preceded his question would only further to piss him off, and in the end, he’d take Miranda’s side over mine. _

“Well, I-” I began, sighing over my words as I confessed, “Alyssa’s the girl I’d been sleeping with. I met her at a bar a while back, like- when you and Miranda were together. I meant for things to end when things got serious between me and Mandy, but it was-”

“Mandy?” Mikey scoffed, “You call her Mandy?”

“Like it’s any better than Mir”, I rolled my eyes, “Did you want to let me finish, or did you want to keep critiquing my every word?”

I could tell Mikey was worked up. At this point, he was probably clenching his fingers into a fist; trembling at the sound of my voice. But instead of showing it, he sarcastically muttered, “By all means- go on”

“As I was saying”, I started, “I knew it was wrong, I wasn’t really into it. But I guess I needed a vice, you know? Like a big part of me kept yelling ‘Miranda’s gonna hurt you again’ - and things felt so temporary. Weirdly enough, I think having her as a vice kept me in line. Things with Mandy felt like they made so much more sense, our relationship felt so much…”

The words tasted sour as I spoke them outloud. It made sense in my own head - but as I continued to speak, the reality made my articulation stagger. 

“Better”, I continued, my voice cracking as I struggled to swallow down the lump in my throat, “I guess I don’t know what I was thinking. I just did…”

_ I felt guilty. I was guilty - terrible.  _

“I don’t know what you were thinking either”, Mikey muttered, “So you just cheated on her. What the fuck- this isn’t like you…”

I could visualize his hand running down his forehead, grimacing as he shook his head in disapproval. 

I hitched in an unsteady breath of air, “Yeah, I cheated on her. Are those the words you wanted me to speak?”

He sighed, “I was hoping it was some kind of misunderstanding, not… this”

_ He was turning against me. I had to fight back, let him know the words before I processed them myself, “ _ After all the shit me and Miranda have been through, or what she’s put me through, she just falls back crying to you. What am I? Chop liver? I always knew this shit would happen. How was I supposed to keep her close if you-”

“Dude”, He snarled, “You can’t justify your way out of this”

I was seeing red now; a fiery rage was crawling up my spine - and I stood up to pace circles, concentrating my best not to fight my surroundings, “I don’t fucking know why, alright? I love her - fuck, I really love her, I’ll always love her. Just tell her that I love her”

“No”, Mikey’s tone dropped, “I’m not getting involved. You fucked up. You shouldn’t have done that”

“Please”, I whined, “Just-”

“You fucked up”, Mikey cut me off, “You should never have done that. How many times can I speak those words? I am not going to argue with you anymore”

“I saved her life”, I started - delirious from my current mental state, “I’ve saved your life. I’ve saved you both, so many times. Yet - I’m here, alone in the end. Always alone, always forgotten, never good enough for anyone-”

“Listen”, Mikey cut me off, “I’m gonna go. I’ll talk to you later”

“Okay”, I sighed, “Talk to you later”

\--

_ (Miranda’s POV) _

“Okay”, Mikey declared, pulling the blanket off my body, “You’re getting up from here, it’s been long enough?” 

“I can’t”, I whined, turning my aching to the side, “I can’t”

Mikey joined me on the bed again, gently rubbing his hand against my arm in an attempt to soothe me, “You can and you will. I’m getting you out of this house, you need some sunlight - and a shower”

I threw a pillow over my head, “Are you finally kicking me out?”

“No”, Mikey reassured, “You can stay here as long as you need to. But you can’t stay here like this. We need to get you out of this funk, and I thought maybe a little car ride might cheer you up?”

“I can’t”, I whined once more, “Nothing will cheer me up”

“What if…” He started, walking his fingers up my arm, “I let you pick the music”

_ It was a tough sell, and on a normal day, I’d be fawning over the concept. But today felt different, today felt worse.  _

His fingers continued upward and stopped abruptly - only to wiggle around my armpits. Within a few seconds, his body hovered on top of me - pinning me down with tickles. Before I knew it, I was blurting out with uncontrollable laughter; struggling to turn away. With the strength of my neck, I headbutted the pillow into his face, leaving him at a disadvantage.

Next thing I knew, the tears forming at the corners of my eyes were falling due to laughter - and this time, I managed to push my way on top of him. But my advantage was a failure, as I wasn’t very good at tickling to begin with. Nonetheless, he was laughing just as much as I.

Mikey was much stronger than me, so it was no surprise that within a few seconds he would push me to the side and regain control. This time, he was back on top of me - and through laughter, I found myself pleading “Stop - Stop! You win!”

He moved his arms to the side, still hovering over me as he laughed into my chest - biting his lip as his eyes fell toward mine. For a brief second, we lay there in silence; our eyes glued to one another. And without thinking, I lifted my head and pressed my lips tight against his.

I could tell he was taken aback at first, but he didn’t initially stop me. His lips kissed back, if only for a few seconds before he pulled away and sat up.

“I don’t think we should-” He started, his voice trailing off as he struggled to find the words, “You’re not in the right headspace, I don’t want to violate-”

I sat up, cheeks flush with embarrassment at the realization of what I’d just done, “I’m sorry, I know you’re right. I just had this moment of nostalgia come over me”

He sighed, “I did, too. I’m not mad at you or put off- but, doesn’t it feel kind of wrong?”

“Wrong is all kind of relative”, I started as I crossed my legs, “If you liked it and I liked it, is it really that wrong?”

“I don’t know”, He bit his lip, “I don’t want to complicate things for you…”

Suddenly, my mind had changed course - set off in another direction. I could read a room, but my hormones couldn’t. There was a thick cloud of sexual tension floating in the air between us, and for a brief moment, my mind stopped thinking about Gerard. I wanted something else to numb my thoughts, and the thought of Mikey’s arms wrapped around my body last night - so caring, so playful,  _ such a sweet smile… _

“It doesn’t have to be complicated, if we don’t let it be”, I muttered as I leaned my body toward him, “If we both liked it, then why not let it happen?”

He looked nervous, but his lips kissed back as I pressed mine back against his. All I knew was that I needed to satiate this arousal. But he didn’t hesitate again - instead, he let his body roll back with mine, passionately swapping saliva as his hands caressed the sides of my body. With one last attempt at reassurance, Mikey pulled his lips back and pressed his nose against mine, “Are you sure you want this?”

I pressed my head against his, playfully brushing my the side of my nose with his, “I’m sure”

And from there, the kissing resumed - a passionate, numbing high of sensation that increased in pleasure as we pulled our clothes off our bodies. Intimacy with Mikey always felt like no other - we weren’t just fucking, there were too many emotions tied to his touch. His taste, his smell; the feeling of his lips interlocking with mine. A climax was the only serotonin I needed.

\--


	55. The worst is yet to come

_(Gerard’s point of view)_

Ice-cold fingers made their way around the sides of my neck, forcing me back down to exchange saliva with lips that stunk of cigarettes and strong liquor. Normally, the mix would repulse me - but tonight, I needed some form of distraction. And hell, _mine probably tasted the same._

But regardless, my lips craved the high-caliber nicotine of Miranda’s kisses - and tonight I was exchanging budget smooches; pall-malls, if you will. 

I dialed Alyssa’s number in a drunken haze and regretted my decision the minute she rang the bell. If not for the traumatic memory attached to the sound of it’s ding, then for grim reminder of what a shitty person I had become. Nonetheless, _I knew that inviting Alyssa back into my house and fucking her doggy-style against the end of the bed (that I once shared with Miranda) was only going to amplify the severity of my wrong-doings. But, by now, could anything ever make them better?_

Alyssa’s moans almost made me go flaccid. A combination of whisky dick and regret - that I was desperate to work my way through. I leaned forward, grabbed her tit, and closed my eyes. I didn’t want to think about who it was, where we were, or how we ended up here.

But it was too late for that, and my hard-on wasn’t returning. I released my grip, pulled my body away from hers, and let out an over-exaggerated, “Fuck!”

“Did you cum?” Alyssa purred, turning her body to face me. 

Seeing her naked ass press against the sheets I once cuddled under with Miranda made me angry - and I tossed her clothes overhead, “No, now leave”

“Leave?” She growled, “You invited me here”

I shook my head, “Yeah well I’m not in the mood anymore, and you’re not helping”

_Being an asshole was in my nature, and I loved how free the words fell from my mouth. I was tired of caving into other’s emotions; taking care of everyone else around me and being shot down to nothing. Tonight I wanted to take some control over my life._

Which was why, of course, I could only laugh to myself as she stormed out of my bed - muttering obscenities as she escorted herself out of the house. _She was right about one thing - I am an asshole._

_\--_

(Miranda’s POV)

_You know, it’s funny; I didn’t even notice him at first. As we pushed our way through the large glass doors, I found myself more preoccupied with sensory overload. The lights were dim, and my eyes trailed over to a bartender clinking glass cups against the counter as a party of middle-aged women bellowed with laughter._

_Tonight was supposed to be our retreat from the house; my first venture outside of my depression-ridden den, but instead, I was walking on sticky floors and forcing myself into the last open seat of the bar._

Mikey wanted me to get out of the house, and he knew the only way I’d follow is if he rewarded my disgusting coping mechanism of drinking my problems away with copious amounts of alcohol. For two idiots that were supposed to be celebrating our sobriety, we made sure to take several sips of liquor before entering our uber.

My head was already woozy as I slammed the card door behind me, but I knew I recognized the driver. I could feel my cheeks turn red with embarrassment as he greeted us with a raspy voice. His heavy breathing made me unsteady - and I couldn’t help but wonder if he’d remembered the drive that led me to one of the most traumatic incidents of my life. 

Mikey was too drunk to pick up on my hesitation, and his lips wouldn’t stop moving. Between kisses on the lips, he wouldn’t shut up about how he’d found me “the perfect spot” with “three dollar drinks that overshadowed it’s grimy exterior”. But I couldn’t mind; his presence dimmed my nerves - because after all, he was the one who saved me from that fall.

In the end, I was positive that tonight would be good - and Mikey wore the same sheepish look on his face as we entered the bar. He grabbed my hand and pulled me through a crowd of people to order our first drinks and sustain our blissful drunken state.  
  
In public, we were struggling to recover from the time we’d spent fooling beneath the covers. My low tolerance was getting the best of me, and by now my mind was still in the gutter. _It was a good night, and I couldn’t wait to take him home and do it all over again._

But hiding at the end of the bar sat a sad man with long black hair and glazed over eyes that seemed to pierce through me as they glared in my direction. I quickly diverted eye contact; _knowing full well that he must have laid eyes on me before I laid eyes on him._

“Oh shit”, I whispered to Mikey, “Don’t turn your head to the left, it’s-”

Despite my wishes, Mikey’s head flipped in his direction and out of the corner of his mouth he whispered back, “Oh shit, it’s Gerard-”

Gerard’s face blushed a bright shade of red, _and I could only imagine the thoughts running through his head right now._

I loosened my grip on Mikey’s hand and quickly returned my arm to my side. _I knew it had been too late; that he’d already seen everything - the hand holding, the drunken kisses, the flirtatious eye contact…_

_Was I really wrong? Had I grossly overestimated, in my typical fashion, what had happened between us? What if Gerard really hadn’t cheated on me? Did he know I’d be here with Mikey, does he know where I’ve been staying-?_

I took a deep breath and shook my head; _away with these thoughts. I know what I saw. I know what he did._

But before I knew it, I’d already pushed the stool away from underneath my legs. My body was leading me in his direction - intoxicated with an intense rage, I’d left my drink behind me. Mikey couldn’t even try to stop me-

### Series this work belongs to:


	56. 56

I could tell Gerard was disgruntled by the sight of me; as glazed over, blood-shot eyes scanned me up and down. They were mesmerizing - and I couldn’t stop myself from getting closer, forcing myself through the cloud, desperate to get a better look at the tired dark circles that lay beneath his eyes.

Gerard managed to raise his glass in the air and pour the remaining gulps of alcohol into his mouth - almost as if he were humoring the thought of my appearance. I was a joke to him, and the closer I got, the stronger my gut wanted me to slap him across the face.

But I couldn’t do that to him. I’d lost Mikey in the distance of faces, and before I knew it, I was leaning my arms against his table - sarcastically groaning, “Funny seeing you here..”

He dropped his glass and looked up at me.

“You know”, I started - my actions happening before I could process them in my mind, “When you couldn’t even pick up a fucking phone to call me - care about me, maybe ask how I’m doing after everything?”

He shook his head at me, as if he were holding back laughter. And honestly, the closer I looked at him, the more sickly and miserable he appeared. With greasy, slicked back hair and sweat rolling down the corners of his face - he looked drunk, or high, or maybe scared.

The fire burning inside of me was beginning to die down - I didn’t like seeing him this way. Maybe this is what hurt the most in the end. Gerard was, maybe, the last glimmer of sanity I had left of my life. But instead, here he was; another hollow, sad face chugging down his every last sip of alcohol. 

_I’d done this to him, hadn’t I?_

I could tell my words wreaked havoc on his mind; as if they struck the exact last chord left in his body. He squinted his nose with anger; rolling his pallid face against the side of his shoulder to try and decompress. It was a disturbing sight - but he finally found the words to set me back, “Why would I call, when I can see you’re already-”

_He was going straight to Mikey; as if it were the key component to forgetting his wrong-doings._

As demented as his words sounded, they gave me a little relief. If his bad thing could be counteracted by my bad thing, then maybe we could strive toward apologies; forgiveness.

He whipped the side of his sleeve against his raw nostrils and looked back up at me, “You didn’t think I’d see?”

_Mikey was getting closer now, anyway. There was no point in denying it._

“Yes”, I declared, “I’m here with Mikey. We’ve been having a good night”

He looked out into the distance and sniffed, “Alright, glad to hear it”

Things felt awkward, but to me, they felt satiated. I’d made plenty of mistakes in my past, through both my relationship with Mikey and Gerard. He’d made a mistake back of similar caliber, _and now here I was - sucking face with his brother at their favorite bar._

“You don’t have anything left to say to me?” I pleaded, a thoughtless stream of desperation falling from my mouth, “Not even an apology?”

“No, you definitely deserve a-” As he paused, the color seemed to drain from his face, “I don’t feel good, I-”

I felt an arm grab me from behind, and as quickly as I could turn my head and exchange glaces with Mikey, I could hear Gerard fall out of his seat and into a pile of his own vomit.

Mikey moved first - pulling his hands away from me as he jumped to the ground and attempted to turn Gerard on his side. He continued to boot, but for now, he at least wouldn’t choke on it.

“Do you-” I started, my voice shaking, “Do you want me to call someone?”

Mikey lifted him up over his shoulder and titled his head, “No, let’s just get home. Can you help me carry him?”

I ran to his side and let his limp body fall against mine. He was in a half-awake state, but probably wouldn’t remember a single detail of the night. Worse off, he smelled like shit; vomit, liquor, BO - this didn’t feel like the man I’d briefly shared my life with.

And next thing you know, we’re loading him into the back of a large Uber - forcing his head to stay in place on the way home. My night was aimed at drinking and forgetting the wrong-doings he’d done to me; but instead, I was intimately holding him up for his own safety.

Worse off, Mikey thought it would be in his best interest to stay the night at Mikey’s place; that way we could monitor him. A full house with the three of us; a memory almost displaced from my mind. Although the circumstances were less ideal than expected, something about it made me feel whole again. I was surrounded by the only real family I’d ever known; my two favorite people.


End file.
